Top Story Weekly

• Elizabeth Taylor has come out with a new perfume. Says Liz, “Take it from me, I?ve been on both sides of the light, several times, and I?ve not only seen Jesus, but I?ve smelled him? and he smells a lot like this.”

• A New Zealand farmer escaped from a flooded river by hanging on to one of her cows as it struggled through the raging waters, A Wellington, New Zealand newspaper reported. In other news from New Zealand, a cow reported that an insane woman tried to drown her as she attempted to cross a swollen river.

What kind of a week was it?

I have to say, lately the Christian Right seems to be running out of steam, because many times what they want is different from what Christ preached. Isn’t that a pain in the ass? That’s why I’d like to offer the Christian Right a brand new take on our Lord and Savior - a new kind of Jesus, called EXTREME JESUS.

That’s right, EXTREME JESUS! When the old Jesus just isn’t enough, feel free to borrow my concept of EXTREME JESUS. For instance, when you need to invade another country, but still feel good about yourselves as Christians, why not turn to EXTREME JESUS? Where Jesus Christ said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” EXTREME JESUS says, “Fuck those people! Bomb them back into the fucking stone age, fuckers! 4th century brown mother fuckers! fuck ‘em.”

EXTREME JESUS swears, by the way.

Where Regular Jesus says, “Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the world,” EXTREME JESUS says, “Fuck the meek! Assholes… fuck em! If you’re not smart enough to have millions of dollars hidden in some off-shore Caiman Islands account, what good are you to me?”

Where Regular Jesus died for the sins of all mankind, EXTREME JESUS wants whatever you want - like a G.I. Joe, you can bend his theology into whatever pretzel shape you want, to justify your own petty need to feel superior.

-Michael McCarthy