Big News for 3-11-04

  • Lawyers for Jean Bertrand Aristide announced plans this week to file suit against the U.S. for what they call ?political kidnapping? of the ousted Haitian president. While Bush Administration officials deny that claim, a snapshot of this recent Amber Alert indicates otherwise.
  • U.S. intelligence released this photo as proof that Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin-Laden might be preparing to move from Pakistan to Afghanistan.
  • Martha Stewart’s latest craft project: a falsified passport. Fleeing the country to stay out of jail? It’s a good thing.

Fuck Off!

What kind of a week was it?

It wasn’t the biggest thing that happened this week, but I think it was the most ironic. Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig and Players’ Union chief Don Fehr testified before a Senate panel about baseball’s drug-testing policies after allegations of steroid use.

Senator Biden dramatically railed that the issue isn’t “about values,” it’s about our culture. And I couldn’t agree more. At this moment in time, baseball could not be more of a barometer of how fucked up our country is. We are a nation that is constantly jonesing for the newest performance enhancing drug; ideally non-detectable by the rest of the world.

And what the fuck illusion are you suffering under, Senator Biden? That we, as a country, are still the agrarian America at the turn of the last century, with milk-fed farm kids tossing baseballs into apple baskets in the hopes of making it to the big leagues?

Fuck off!

Here’s what happened to that farm kid. He was molested by a priest, just before they foreclosed on his parents’ farm, so he went to work briefly in a factory, until he joined the army and fought in World War II in the South Pacific, where he learned to rape and pillage without guilt, a skill he put to use as a developer craving up the San Fernando Valley in the late 50’s. Then first marriage, kids, booze, first divorce, more booze, pills, first heart attack, no booze, second marriage, booze, second heart attack, first bankruptcy, no booze, more pills, second divorce, third heart attack, second bankruptcy and after a protracted illness in the late eighties he dies with his last words whispered into his third wife’s ear, “Don’t sell the house to Mexicans.”

-Michael McCarthy

Big News for 3-04-04

  • Amid concerns of voter fraud, E-voting made its debut in 10 states this week. The new touch-screen system will not be used in Florida, where they still prefer to defraud the electorate the old-fashioned way.
  • Chemical and geological clues gathered by the Opportunity rover indicate that an area of the Martian surface was once covered with salt water. Even more surprising, an area adjacent to the salt water was once covered with steroid-addled weightlifters, crappy t-shirts, and 70 year-old women in bikinis.
  • Pastor Maurice Gordon of Denver, CO outraged Jews and Christians alike with a sign reading “Jews Killed The Lord Jesus” that appeared in front of his Lovingway United Church. Under pressure from the Anti-Defamation League, he has replaced the sign with “The Holocaust Was A Lie” and he’s eagerly looking forward to his upcoming sign “Homosexuals Burn In Hell.”