Hustle & Floe

Last Friday I saw pictures of Sir Paul McCartney and his wife Heather laying down next to an adorable doe-eyed seal pup on an ice floe someplace where there are still ice floes with baby seals on them.  And man, that thing was seriously cute.  The former Beatle was using his celebrity influence to help protest the upcoming annual seal hunt.  In this traditional event, people take clubs, walk up to the helpless little fuzzy doe-eyed baby munchkin seals, and whack them right in the fucking face until their skulls cave in and they slowly die in a bloody gurgling mess of time-honored ritualism.  Maybe people actually eat seal meat there, who knows.  One can simply glance in the deli-counter at Canter’s to see some pretty weird offerings, and yet, that place makes an excellent sandwich.  So who am I to judge? 

Cracking a seal pup between its wide, glossy eyes did get me thinking, though.  How does someone just walk up and do that?  Like, wait all year, polish up the blunt object of their choice (perhaps a bowling trophy? a fraternity cricket bat? or are there clubs specially designed just for seal-smashing?), and then travel all the way to the ice floe and unleash their inner bloodlust?  While pondering that, however, I became distracted by another story…

 

Right there on TV was Andrew Fastow, Enron’s former finance chief, walking into a courtroom to testify against the men he says were behind the corruption and greed that destroyed Enron.  Former CEO’s Jeffery Skilling and Ken Lay, say prosecutors, both knew that what they were doing at Enron was illegal and immoral, and yet they continued to work with Mr. Fastow to “cook the books”, stealing millions while rolling blackouts beset
California.  Oh yeah, and Enron’s loyal rank-and-file were left with nothing.  No stock, no 401k, no pension – that kind of nothing.  But lo!  I once again became distracted…

 

Treading somewhere between her best intentions and her love for the limelight, anti-war-mother-of-killed-solider Cindy Sheehan has been arrested again.  It seems that when the leader of the free-world (practical term — debatable, I realize…) lies to parents in order to start a war in which their kids get killed, the parents get upset.  And telling more and more lies somehow does not seem to appease anyone.  But hey, the kid is dead already, so why stop lying?  Alas, more distractions…

 

Randy “Duke” Cunningham is going to jail.  At least we won’t have to see him cry anymore.  And lobbyist Jack Abramoff is cooperating with investigators now, after pleading guilty to stealing millions from Native Americans he called “monkeys”.  More pictures of Iraqi prisoner abuse were discovered, but they didn’t provide much new information.  The pharmaceutical company Merck reportedly pushed the pain drug Vioxx despite knowing that it caused heart attacks because, well, they made $600,000,000 dollars in the deal.  And so on.  Just read the paper once, or watch the news, and you’ll see that the hunt of seemingly unimaginable viciousness has been going on already for a long, long time.  And you know what?  We’re the seals.