Posted by masterofhumility on September 14th, 2006
by Andy Nordvall
The Covenant – Why is it always the male models who get the super-powers to protect the world from an ancient evil? I bet if you powered up some geeky-looking guys, they’d get the job done without getting distracted by that hot girl with a dark secret in her past.
Hollywoodland – You know, there are a lot of people who’d be plenty happy to play Superman on TV, but not Mr. Big Shot George Reeves. Oh no, if he doesn’t get to be a serious film actor, he’ll just die! And he does.
The Protector – If kickin’ ass and lovin’ elephants is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Crank – Jason Statham will die if he doesn’t keep his adrenaline pumping, a premise that would make a majority of Hollywood action films a lot more plausible. Most of the LETHAL WEAPON films, for example, except for part 3. That film was a mess!
The Wicker Man – A freak accident causes Nicholas Cage to emote uncontrollably. So he’s quarantined on a island with a bunch of other people who can’t stop over-acting. Hilarity ensues.
Idiocracy – A brilliant of savage satire of corporate America, which for some reason is not being promoted by the Fox News Corporation.