The *New* War on Scrotums

If last week’s children’s book controversy wasn’t a strong enough wake up call to parents concerned about shielding their families against ball sacks, now it seems you can’t drive your SUV full of soccer-playing scamps to Burger King without being bombarded with scrotums!

“Do we have to neuter all dogs that walk by us?” she asked. “Where does it stop?”
that's nutz!
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Stop the Dick!

There’s been another Dick sighting in Hollywood! That Dick, is of course, the champion of public intoxication: Andy Dick, who had to be dragged off stage at the Jimmy Kimmel show. Having had first hand experiences with the speech-slurring spit-flying antics of Mr. Dick, I must implore all of Hollywood to stop employing him. I know the human instinct to get a real close-up peak at a car wreck is strong. But the day for this Dick’s Andy Kaufman wanna-be/“ain’t I a funny drunk” shenanigans has past. Sure a lot of tourists go to the Chateau Marmont because Belushi died there and River Phoenix’s final resting spot on the curb in front of the Viper Room is even more famous than Frank Gorshin’s hand prints at the Chinese Theatre, but our little Andy needs some tough love. So no work, no open mics, no Howard Stern, just 28 to 365 days to think about not dying, or physics.

When Will the Mainstream Media Learn?

Nice going, Mainstream Media! Now that the terrorists know we’re afraid of cartoons, they will stop designing their improvised explosive devices to look like Aqua Teen Hunger Force and start making them look like the marginally less-popular Robot Chicken, or the almost completely forgotten Hector Heathcoat.

Don’t you know that they monitor every move that we make, and that they stay abreast of all the current styles, trends and fads? Don’t think for a second that the next major terror attack is not going to happen during The Filenes basement Wedding Dress sale. They know we can’t stay away.

And while you’re at it, why don’t you just go ahead and put the anthrax in the TGIFriday’s potato skins yourself, Mainstream Media? Are you too lazy? Are you going to publish an article on how Mom and Pop America doesn’t randomly check their food for explosives when they dine out at casual dining chains? And that, on average, only one in fifty people ever asks the bomb squad to remove a suspicious plate of Buffalo wings and have it tested for neuro-toxins? Are you?

“I didn’t tell Al Queda to open a Maple syrup factory that produces delicious tangy nectar laced with small pox so they could under-cut current suppliers and infiltrate the IHOP late-night/early morning pancake and waffle community and sicken the half of the Eastern seaboard.”

Sure you didn’t. Tell yourself what ever you have to, but you might as well have, with the way you reported the news from Boston this week.

Please. I beg of you. Think before you print, broadcast or otherwise disseminate another Terrorist Cookbook. It’s your duty to us as Americans.