Big News Report 8.26.07

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Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, August 26, 2007

 

In a speech before the VFW Wednesday, President Bush argued for support for his Iraq War strategy by drawing direct comparisons with the war in Vietnam. The biggest similarity: In both wars Bush had other people do his fighting for him.

Criticized by the Bush Administration for his inability to unite his cabinet and improve stability, Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki warned the U.S. that Iraq can find friends elsewhere. To support his argument Al-Maliki pointed out that Iraq already has five MySpace friends - four, if you don’t count Tom.

Dozens of people have died in Greece as the country faces its worst outbreak of forest fires in decades. Firefighters are having a difficult time stopping the blazes, since they don’t have enough baking soda to put out such a large Greece fire.

After being downgraded to a Category 2 storm, Hurricane Dean passed through Cancun without inflicting catastrophic damage. Relieved officials immediately resumed all wet T-shirt contests.

A 17-year-old New Jersey boy has figured out a hack that allows him to unlock his iPhone from the AT&T network. He’s willing to trade this information with anyone who can give him the hack that will unlock a girl’s bra.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration released data showing there were over 13,000 deaths related to drunk driving in 2006. Surprisingly, only half involved Lindsay Lohan.

On Monday morning, Ryan Seacrest was tapped to host the Fifty-Ninth Annual Emmy Awards. On Monday evening, Ryan Seacrest was tapped fifty-nine times by Simon Cowell.
(more…)

Keanu Reeves to end Earth

People are being killed every day in Iraq. Rich athletes are hanging dogs. Mortgage companies are struggling. Beauty pageant contestants are proving our worst fears about the education system. The administration is using the Old Testament as the Constitution.

But all this… all this pales in comparison to the real, true threat to America, nay, the world:

Keanu Reeves to star in remake of “The Day the Earth Stood Still.”

Up until now, I had hope for the future.

That hope is now gone.

Big News Report (Blue Collar ed.) 082607

caleodisbc1tn.jpgWe’s commencin’ ta discuss 5 natural disasters this week, y’all: Fire, Hurricane, Global Warmin’, Bush’s War, and of course, Lindsay Lohan! Check out this week’s Big News Report, Blue Collar edition:

Big News Report (Blue Collar ed.) 082607

Sarkozy Gets Retouched

INTER-OFFICE MEMO

ATTN: Retouching Department

Dear Francois,

After reviewing the proofs, I feel that the photo of President Sarkozy is not yet appropriate for this week’s article. I know that having a svelt Sarkozy is an oxymoron, much like the President can be at times. However, his vulgar love handles are an obscenity to France. In fact, if Mr. Sarkozy had an apple in his mouth, he’d have a striking resemblance to the stuffed pig sprawled out on the dinner table at our last New Year’s Eve party.

Seriously, we have to do something about those love handles. Start by airbrushing them first. If that doesn’t do the trick, try color-correcting the photo and then adjust the exposure. It seems that the President’s affinity for Brie and his pre-Press Conference cognac binges are taking a toll on his appearances. I suggest utilizing the shading tool to help fade the case of empty wine bottles and that corpse into the background. Also, please remove the prostitute sitting on his face. Instead, let’s place him sitting in a canoe with a big paddle. It’ll imply Mr. Sarkozy himself has a big paddle.

Hopefully, this little Photoshop trick does the job in concealing his “appetite.” His wife, Cécilia has no clue about his other extra-curricular activities (i.e. dead hookers, young boys, and the occasional sheep). Then again, all that doesn’t matter so long as we eliminate those love handles.

Sincerely,

Alain Genestar
Editor-in-chief, Paris Match Magazín

George W. Bush and Kim Jong Il Talk

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George W. Bush and Kim Jong Il discuss and aid package all night long.

Clip from the show, come check it out live on Sunday’s at 10 at the IO WEST.

Conservative Commentator: Let’s Nuke Iraq and Make Bush President-for-Life

This is truly scary.  This guy, Philip Atkinson, writes an essay that says that Bush should act like Caesar and kill all the Iraqis with nuclear bombs, repopulate the (radioactive?) country with Americans, and then declare himself President-for-Life to do away with all that messy bickering between Congress and the Supreme Court.

So what, you might ask.  Just a right winger babbling.  Except the website on which it was posted (and which, Stalin-like, is scrubbing all mentions of the article since it’s gotten out into general circulation) is that for a group called Family Security Matters, which has a bunch of conservative commentators on its board.  And that group is in turn a front for another right wing group, the Center for Security Policy, a think tank whose advisory board once included - ta da! - Dick Cheney.

Can you imagine what would have happened if a similarly themed article was published on a progressive blog, no matter how obscure?  Huge headlines in the mainstream media.  Endless shows on Rush, Hannity, O’Reilly, etc. about the shocking and un-American lefty bloggers.  Every Democratic presidential candidate and Congressional leader called upon to denounce the article.  Think something similar might happen here?

Yeah, me neither.

Conservative Commentator: Let’s Nuke Iraq and Make Bush President-for-Life

This is truly scary.  This guy, Philip Atkinson, writes an essay that says that Bush should act like Caesar and kill all the Iraqis with nuclear bombs, repopulate the (radioactive?) country with Americans, and then declare himself President-for-Life to do away with all that messy bickering between Congress and the Supreme Court.

So what, you might ask.  Just a right winger babbling.  Except the website on which it was posted (and which, Stalin-like, is scrubbing all mentions of the article since it’s gotten out into general circulation) is that for a group called Family Security Matters, which has a bunch of conservative commentators on its board.  And that group is in turn a front for another right wing group, the Center for Security Policy, a think tank whose advisory board once included - ta da! - Dick Cheney.

Can you imagine what would have happened if a similarly themed article was published on a progressive blog, no matter how obscure?  Huge headlines in the mainstream media.  Endless shows on Rush, Hannity, O’Reilly, etc. about the shocking and un-American lefty bloggers.  Every Democratic presidential candidate and Congressional leader called upon to denounce the article.  Think something similar might happen here?

Yeah, me neither.

Big News Report August 19, 2007

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CNN Covers Hurricane Dean During Larry King

Phillip Wilburn's Celebrity Vlog

Larry King has a show tonight about Elvis Presley and Merv Griffin secrets from beyond, but CNN will be giving you constant updates on Hurricane Dean.
Check it out on DotComey

For more info. go to www.phillipwilburn.com