Big News Report for Sunday, November 18, 2007

In Thursday night’s Democratic presidential debate, Hillary Clinton accused her opponents of throwing mud. In response, her opponents accused her of throwing like a girl.

President Bush marked Veterans Day by attending a tribute to fallen soldiers in Texas. Although he had a commitment to stay for the entire ceremony, the President left halfway through and went to Alabama until the event was over.

The number of Army deserters this year has increased eighty percent since the United States invaded Iraq in 2003. In their defense, the soldiers pointed out that they were told in 2003 that their mission was accomplished. (more…)

Big News Report (Blue Collar ed.) 111807

caleodisbc1tn.jpgMud throwin’,
oil deaths growin’,
Bush’s incompetence showin’!
Check out this week’s Big News Report, Blue Collar edition:

Big News Report (Blue Collar ed.) 111807

Big News Report for Sunday, November 11, 2007

The FBI has downplayed the credibility of a report that al Qaeda plans to attack malls in Los Angeles and Chicago during the holiday season.  The terrorists plan to wait until the January clearance sales, when they can kill people for up to seventy percent off.

The head of Britain’s intelligence service has warned that children as young as fifteen are becoming involved in terrorist-related activity. This could explain the country’s recent string of suicide eggings. 

Joe Biden said he would not seek the vice presidential slot if Hillary Clinton is the Democratic nominee because he did not want to be overshadowed by Bill Clinton. Responded Dennis Kucinich: “I would gladly accept a position as Hillary’s vice-president. I’m used to being overshadowed by everyone! Heeeee!!” (more…)

Matt Damon, the Sexiest Man Alive

No, I’m serious. People Magazine just awarded him the title for this year.

Okay, Clooney and Pitt lobbying for him to get the title was a good bit. And the reference to himself as an “aging suburban dad” is pretty funny in that charmingly self-deprecating way.

And now he and 2002’s winner Ben Affleck have matching titles along with their matching Oscars.

But a question: how can there be a new Sexiest Man Alive each year when all the others (except JFK Jr., RIP) are still alive? Did all the others get less sexy enough for Damon to take the title? Or did Damon have a big upsurge in sexiness sufficient to pass Denzel Washington and Johnny Depp and the rest?

Those who are greater experts in sexiness than I, please advise.

Michigan Pride!

You can say alot about people from Michigan; We’re loud, violent, overweight. But you sure as hell can’t call us lazy! Allow me to direct your attention to this story from a few months ago, when a guy from Allen Park wanted to kill himself.

A lazy man would have shot himself in the face, or sat in his car with the exhaust tube poking through the back window in his unventilated garage. Hell a lazy guy would just go jump off of a bridge, but not this guy.

No, our hero believed that how you die says a lot about how you lived. And this man wanted people to know that he lived every day of his 41 years kicking ass. So he bought himself all the necessary supplies and headed over to a secluded place in the woods. Lots of wood, screws, tools, and big ol’ blade. This suicide pioneer said to himself, ‘It’s time for me to go, and I’m going out huge. If it was good enough for Marie Antoinette, it’s sure as shit good enough for me!’

So out in the woods over a prolonged period of time he built himself a guillotine. (more…)

Fast and Furious Movie Reviews

BEE MOVIE: I knew that Nasonex Bee was going places! Letting Seinfeld take over for Antonio Banderas is harsh, though.  

LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA: …Is messier than most.   

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: When all those Gen Xers decided to take Social Security into their own hands and go hunting for Baby Boomers, it was like watching Easy Company take the Eagle’s Nest all over again.   

SAAWARIYA: So. Makers of “SAW.” If you have to go Boggle on the new sequel’s title in order to dupe folks into buying a ticket for what they think is some Bollywood tearjerker, maybe leave the creepy puppet shit to Henson.   

FRED CLAUS: When Paul Giamatti’s career takes off, he’ll look back on this and laugh. 

P2: This film speaks about the average New Yorker’s preference of slamming somebody repeatedly with his or her car until that person’s rib cage pops out over spending Christmas with his or her family.   

BEOWULF:  Angelina Jolie was quoted as saying she felt “very vulnerable” about her character’s nudity.  I find that hard to believe, as she got nude with “Slingblade” every night for 3 years.   

SOUTHLAND TALES:  A comedy.  Very dry humor.  … Dry! Southland! The South’s dry!  That’s a joke, son.  Oh, and there’s a drought.  

Big News - 250; Cops - 700

“Cops” broadcasts 700th episode. Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Put on some underwear, maybe?

It’s not such a Small World anymore. Disneyland closes down 47-year-old ride to accommodate fatter joy-seekers of the 21st century.

Ellen dances away the struggle of art vs. commerce. “In lieu of a monologue, Ms. DeGeneres performed an extended dance routine with the help of her audience.”

Norman Mailer dies after getting high score on Donkey Kong. The pugnacious Pulitzer-winner “drank, fought, smoked pot, married six times and stabbed his second wife, almost fatally, during a drunken party.”

4000-year-old Peruvian temple unearthed; Pinkberry opens.

Big News Report (Blue Collar ed.) 111107

caleodisbc1tn.jpgEggs, hugs, scabs - they’re not just gangster nicknames, they’re in the news!
Check out this week’s Big News Report, Blue Collar edition:

Big News Report (Blue Collar ed.) 111107


Here’s a clip from the show.

Big News Report for Sunday, November 4, 2007

The Teamsters branch in Hollywood has told members that they are allowed to honor picket lines by striking TV and film writers. It’s not yet clear how a decision by the Teamsters not to work will differ from any other day.

Vice President Cheney stirred up controversy this week after visiting a hunting club that had a Confederate flag on its wall. Cheney denied being a racist, noting that some of his favorite ninth cousins are black.

In an interview with Fox News, Mitt Romney referred to Hillary Clinton as having the experience of an intern. Bill Clinton defended his wife, noting that no matter how hard he tried she still refused to have the experience of an intern. (more…)