A Look Back at 2007, by 2007

father-time-2007

You don’t know my pain. I get one shot at this and I got no breaks, no breaks at all.You think it’s not that bad? First of all, I killed Beverly Sills, Tom Poston, Merv Griffin, Robert Goulet and Mr. Whipple the Squeeze the Charmin guy. Not one good celeb in the bunch! It’s like TV LAND died. This is crap!

You want the positives? Okay - I’m positive this year sucked! I burned down California. I had Larry Craig and his “wide stance.” I had Sanjaya. The writers’ strike, the “Sopranos’” sucky series finale and I had the “Cavemen” show. How bad a year do you have to be to get the “Cavemen” show?

But you know the one thing I’ll be remembered for? Britney Spears! Shaving her head, not showing up for court, showing her junk or shaking her fat junk on stage for all the world to see. This is crap!

Sure , Al Gore wone the Nobel Peace Prize in 2007. But only the next week Jamie Lynn Spears over shadowed him by getting knocked up! Just like Britney Spears!
This is crap! Just let me die!!!

Big News Report for Sunday, December 30, 2007

The government of Pakistan has offered to exhume the body of Benazir Bhutto to prove the cause of death was from her head striking the vehicle’s sunroof. Unfortunately for the government, the sunroof was made of bullets.

According to a terrorist monitoring group, Osama bin Laden plans to release a new message over the internet. The message will be available after bin Laden finalizes the residual structure with his writers.

Queen Elizabeth has launched a new Royal Channel on YouTube which will feature videos and other archived footage about Britain’s royal family. The first video posted on the channel: “Two Queens, One Cup.” (more…)

A Message from Rudy Giuliani

Hello, and 9-11. Nothing a president does is more important than keeping the country safe from threats of terror, a fact of which we had a terrible reminder this week. So as you decide who to support in this election, remember this: No candidate has done more than Rudy Giuliani to keep America safe from tiger attacks. The tragic events in San Francisco on Christmas Day made 12-25 the 9-11 of tiger attacks. And no one can do more to keep another 12-25 from happening than the hero of 9-11. Me! Just look at the record. In my eight years as mayor not one New Yorker was killed by a tiger. And just as we fought back against the 9-11 terrorists by going to Yankees games and shopping, I urge all Americans to fight back against tigers by going to zoos and to cafes at zoos without fear. I myself hope to set an example by going to the Bronx Zoo with my children. If any of my children will speak to me. So if you want to keep America safe against tiger attacks vote for Rudy Giuliani. And the only tiger you’ll hear growling, is the one in my pants. 12-25.

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A Message from Mike Huckabee

Lots of candidates are telling you they are the best ones to protect you against tiger attacks. But only Mike Huckabee has the real answer: building a real tall fence, right along the border with Mexico. Did you know that we have more tigers coming over our borders as illegal aliens than any other non-Spanish-speaking animal? It’s true. The fact is that the immigration issue is not so much about people coming to pick lettuce or make beds, it’s about tigers jumping over a fence and slashing your throat. So I’ll make sure that tigers know they are not welcome in America. I’ll ban Frosted Flakes from the White House menu. I’ll never let Siegfried and Roy perform at a state dinner. And the only song from a “Rocky” movie that will play in the Huckabee White House will be “Gonna Fly Now (Theme From “Rocky”).” With Mike Huckabee as president, you’ll be so safe from tigers, you’ll think they’re extinct. Just the way God intended.

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A Message from John McCain

You believe all these candy-asses telling you how tough they are on tigers? You want action on tigers, you vote for the one candidate who’s actually gone mano a mano against tigers! I spent five and a half years as a POW in ‘Nam trapped inside a tiger cage, battling tigers every day for the dried bread crusts and dead mice I had as food, all the time with Charlie throwing down bets and rooting for the tiger to take me out, but I didn’t! John McCain kicked the ass of every tiger who…

What? No tigers? Just a figure of speech?

Don’t tell me there were no tigers in the tiger cages in ‘Nam - I was there! I fought those tigers! Or, maybe it was the stray cat we adopted. That’s kind of like a little tiger. Mighty tasty too.

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Really? It takes that much time that we need a law?

yellowstone bison
When I first read this story, I thought, that sounds reasonable. After all, the roads through Yellowstone National Park would be the quickest way between West Yellowstone, MT and Cody, WY. If the laws of Idaho, Montana and Wyoming all allow people to have loaded guns in their backseat gun rack for their SUV, who am I to argue? Then I thought, no, no, no. That’s not the correct argument. Who cares about the laws around Yellowstone Park? This is a NATIONAL park. Are you telling me that people can’t take five minutes, unload their weapons and put them in the trunk or another spot that’s not easily accessible? Is it really that big of an inconvenience? Is there really that big of a danger from car attacking bears or German tourists? The answer is no - we don’t really need to change the law for five minutes of inconvenience. Nice going senators.

What’s the big deal about HGH?

What is HGH? HGH is what is known as a fancy medical term for Human Growth Hormone. Now I am no scientist, but the guy sold me those new floor mats for my van said that it promotes the formation of new cells, leading to an increase in muscle and a loss of fat.

Loss of fat? You mean I can build muscle AND lose fat? Does David Wells read this blog?

Now I know any type of human growth hormone might sound like a substitute for Viagra, but it is not, and also it stings quite a bit when applied to the penis.

HGH has been the centerpiece of controversy in Major League Baseball for the past few years. Hall of Fame candidates now have their reputations and baseball futures in jeopardy. All records ever set, and championships ever won, could possibly be tarnished with an asterisk.

All over these three little letters - HGH.

If you’re still confused what HGH is, dumbass, it is a steroid. Steroids are bad. Steroids can have detrimental side effects to athletes like cardiovascular disease, impotence, and the tendency to kill your wife and child and then hang yourself on an exercise machine. But mainly, they create an unlevel playing field (figuratively, stupid).

But they did give us lots of home runs. And home runs are cool. Chicks dig the long ball.

Sadly, the steroid bonanza has given our national pastime a huge slap in the face; and once the dust settles, baseball may never be the same. Or any other sport for that matter. From now on, whenever Barry Bonds hits a home run, Floyd Landis wins a bike race, or Shaquille O’Neal makes two free throws in a row, the media will question his physical integrity. Athletes of the future will forever live under the shadow of skepticism. And the Century 21 Home Run Derby will be replaced by the Trader Joe’s Pop-Fly Contest. Thanks a lot George Mitchell.

What’s the big deal about HGH?

What is HGH? HGH is what is known as a fancy medical term for Human Growth Hormone. Now I am no scientist, but the guy sold me those new floor mats for my van said that it promotes the formation of new cells, leading to an increase in muscle and a loss of fat.

Loss of fat? You mean I can build muscle AND lose fat? Does David Wells read this blog?

Now I know any type of human growth hormone might sound like a substitute for Viagra, but it is not, and also it stings quite a bit when applied to the penis.

HGH has been the centerpiece of controversy in Major League Baseball for the past few years. Hall of Fame candidates now have their reputations and baseball futures in jeopardy. All records ever set, and championships ever won, could possibly be tarnished with an asterisk.

All over these three little letters - HGH.

If you’re still confused what HGH is, dumbass, it is a steroid. Steroids are bad. Steroids can have detrimental side effects to athletes like cardiovascular disease, impotence, and the tendency to kill your wife and child and then hang yourself on an exercise machine. But mainly, they create an unlevel playing field (figuratively, stupid).

But they did give us lots of home runs. And home runs are cool. Chicks dig the long ball.

Sadly, the steroid bonanza has given our national pastime a huge slap in the face; and once the dust settles, baseball may never be the same. Or any other sport for that matter. From now on, whenever Barry Bonds hits a home run, Floyd Landis wins a bike race, or Shaquille O’Neal makes two free throws in a row, the media will question his physical integrity. Athletes of the future will forever live under the shadow of skepticism. And the Century 21 Home Run Derby will be replaced by the Trader Joe’s Pop-Fly Contest. Thanks a lot George Mitchell.

They Call Him Bronze

Bruce! 

Students at the University of Washington are petitioning the University to build a monument honoring Bruce Lee.

 Frivolous statues don’t belong on campus!

Oops. Sorry alma mater. Hey, I’m sure it’s better than a statue of Garfield. Am I right? Hagar?.  Anyone?

Big News Report for Sunday, December 23, 2007

The U.S. Embassy in Iraq is investigating whether or not Blackwater bodyguards killed a dog owned by a member of the New York Times. Blackwater officials later admitted that it was probably a bad idea to hire Michael Vick.

On Wednesday, a small fire broke out at the White House, near Vice President Dick Cheney’s office. Commented a White House Aide: “Fortunately, we didn’t lose anything of any value in the fire….a box of pencils, a chair, the Constitution…”

Sixteen-year-old Jamie-Lynn Spears told OK Magazine this week that she is pregnant. In response, older sister Britney said she is thrilled at the prospect of becoming an unfit aunt. (more…)