A Special Message for All Potential Nader Voters

First off, thanks so much for the past seven years. And yeah, I know, vote your conscience, it’s your right, Gore should have campaigned harder, he didn’t even win his home state, he probably won Florida anyway, and who’s to say that the Nader voters would have voted for Gore if Nader wasn’t in the race. I’ve heard it all since November 2000, and still, I say thanks.

But it seems your guy is mulling a third consecutive presidential run. Now, one would think that given a legacy ranging from the deaths of thousands of American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians to the destruction of a major American city for the first time since the Civil War, a true progressive candidate would say, “You know what? There’s too much at stake. Sure, neither major party is perfect, but clearly one will continue to try to dismantle everything I’ve spent my life trying to do, while the other at least will try to accomplish some of my goals. Let’s not divide the progressives.”

And even if the candidate was deluded, one would hope a progressive voter would say, “You know what? There really is a difference between the two major parties. And there’s too much at stake to risk throwing my vote away on a candidate who has no chance of winning.” (more…)

State of the Union

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Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, January 27, 2008

Congressional leaders have announced a deal with the White House on an economic stimulus package that would give tax refunds of at least six hundred dollars. Taxpayers welcomed the plan, but asked that the refunds be paid in euros.

Dennis Kucinich dropped out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination on Thursday. Kucinich tried to run a competitive campaign, but came up a little short.

Sylvester Stallone has endorsed John McCain for president. According to Stallone, McCain is just like his character Rambo: he is a Vietnam vet, he is an ex-P.O.W., and he is eighty-five years old. (more…)

The MacBook Air

Hey kids, just last week Steve Jobs unveiled the new MacBook Air laptop computer!

It’s so thin that it fits inside a manila envelope! Huzzah!

This is good because the thing looks so brittle you’ll be mailing it to customer repair folks often! But on the plus side, you’ll save on postage! Not to mention the fact that you will need to send in the whole machine back to Apple in order to replace the battery! But why would you actually need your laptop all the time anyways?

Sadly though, some sacrifices needed to be made to make it so thin. (Did I mention that it fits inside of a manila envelope? Holy Shit!) You don’t get a CD-ROM drive. But seriously, who needs one of those anyways? Why would you need to import software from an outside source? (more…)

Good Doctor: Britney Spears Edition

Dr. Phil has been criticized for his involvement in trying to help Britney Spears. Maybe Dr. Phil is an opportunist or maybe he truly cares, but the better question is “Would he help?” Would he be a good doctor for Ms. Spears to visit? So I’ve decided to compile a list of noted doctors. We’ll take a look at how they would treat Britney Spears and whether they would be a Good Doctor or a Bad Doctor.

Dr. Drew Pinsky
Treatment: Bring her into Celebrity Rehab where she can detox and discuss her problems with the guy from Taxi and a couple porn stars.
Analysis: The self-described addictionologist can help wean Britney off her drink of choice – Red Bull, Vodka, and Cherry NyQuil – and get her the medical attention she needs. But more importantly, she can take a look at the has-beens in front of her and improve her self-esteem by repeating to herself, “It’s Britney, bitch.” (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, January 20, 2008

Hillary Clinton was the winner of the Democratic caucuses in Nevada on Saturday. Her campaign attributed her victory to husband Bill’s personal outreach, especially at the Spearmint Rhino.

Federal investigators have determined that a single design flaw is responsible for last year’s bridge collapse in Minnesota. Investigators will next try to determine the flaw responsible for causing the collapse of Fred Thompson’s presidential campaign.

On Wednesday a judge doubled O.J. Simpson’s bail to $250,000 for violating the original terms in his armed robbery case. Argued Simpson’s attorney: “Come on! $250,000?! It’s not like he murdered somebody. Oh.. wait. Never mind.” (more…)

Tom Cruise Scientology Bloopers

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Tom Cruise Scientology Tape was leaked to the internet, but wait until you see what was left on the cutting room floor.

Uncommitted

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This week’s meaningless Presidential primary took place in the not-so-great state of Michigan. Yes, Michigan - the only state named after a lake. The Michigan primary was not your ordinary primary. There was a remarkably low turnout this year for mulitiple reasons.

On the Democratic side, most of the major candidates were missing from the ballot. On the Republican side, most of the candidates probably shouldn’t be on the ballot. What made this state have the most intriguing primary so far, was the emergence of a candidate known as “Uncommitted.”

This guy is gaining momentum, and gaining it fast. The Michigan results show that he finished only one point behind Rudy Giuliani in the Republican race. This comes to a surprise to me, as I thought Uncommitted was actually referring to Giuliani. After all Giuliani seems uncommitted to winning. And uncommitted to his children. And marital relationships.

On the other side of the aisle, Uncommitted was a stud. (more…)

DA: What’s wrong with steroids?

satan-steroid
Welcome to the first installment of ‘Devil’s Advocate’. In these columns I plan on explaining to you exactly why you are wrong about everything. Now then, let’s talk about steroids.

Sports are an odd thing. We pay big money to see the best of the best on display. We develop passionate love for a franchise, many times just to see our hearts broken again and again (Ask any Detroit Lions fan). Some people even rip the testicles off another person just for wearing the wrong color sweatshirt at a sports bar! Sports is a big deal.

But some things still linger in the air. And by linger I mean smell. And by smell I mean smell horrible. And by smell horrible I mean congress and the media. (more…)

DA: What’s wrong with steroids?

satan-steroid
Welcome to the first installment of ‘Devil’s Advocate’. In these columns I plan on explaining to you exactly why you are wrong about everything. Now then, let’s talk about steroids.

Sports are an odd thing. We pay big money to see the best of the best on display. We develop passionate love for a franchise, many times just to see our hearts broken again and again (Ask any Detroit Lions fan). Some people even rip the testicles off another person just for wearing the wrong color sweatshirt at a sports bar! Sports is a big deal.

But some things still linger in the air. And by linger I mean smell. And by smell I mean smell horrible. And by smell horrible I mean congress and the media. (more…)