As we drive down memory lane …. and turn back to rubberneck at accidents of accouterment, I am … Mr. Blackwell and I am delighted to share with you … the … wardrobe wrecks, the … fashion faux pas, the ….creme de la creosote of … this year’s presidential contenders.
RUDY GIULIANI
New York is the fashion capitol of the US. Unfortunately he’s taken his cues not from the garment district but from Yankee Stadium… Start spreading the news, Rudy: three strikes and you’re out.
MIKE HUCKABEE
He plays his bass and wants so badly to be Flea; but that doesn’t mean he has to dress like an exterminator. Governor, you would have been better off wearing nothing but a sock around your little Huckabee. (more…)
Following disappointing finishes in Iowa and New Hampshire, Joe Biden, Chris Dodd and Bill Richardson all ended their presidential bids. Their withdrawals reduce the number of viable Democratic candidates to three, from its previous total of three.
Hillary Clinton surprised pundits by upsetting Barack Obama to win the New Hampshire primary. The victory was the first time a Clinton has come from behind since the last time Bill nailed a waitress from a Waffle House.
After receiving 3,919 votes in the New Hampshire primary, Dennis Kucinich has asked the state for a recount. Kucinich insisted there was no way he got 3,919 votes. (more…)
Two sold-out shows again this year (3-3) as Big News brings their Year-In-Review show to the Chicago Sketchfest. There’s also a completely different and new show TONIGHT in Hollywood. How do they do what they do?
Wednesday night’s passing of “Honorary Mayor of Hollywood” Johnny Grant raises several questions. Questions like “Who’s going to be the new Honorary Mayor of Hollywood?” and “Who was Johnny Grant?” I can’t really answer that second question, but I can shed some light on the first.
Unfortunately, when Johnny Grant took office, no one thought to name a Vice-Honorary Mayor of Hollywood, who would assume the role of Honorary Mayor should the current Honorary Mayor be unable to discharge his duties. Say, by dying. Fortunately, there is no shortage of honorable candidates to honor us by accepting the title of Honorary Mayor of Hollywood. But each has pros and cons: (more…)
So another college football year passes and once again, if you are an Ohio State Buckeyes fan, you’re left scratching your head. Your Buckeyes just lost 38-24 to the LSU Tigers. You are facing myriad thoughts and emotions after getting hammered in the title game for the 2nd year in a row. Thoughts like;
“I thought we had a good team.”
“I can’t believe we are 0-9 vs. the SEC in bowl games!”
“Where did I leave that can of Natural Ice?”
Well don’t worry about that, I am here to help you! So here are 5 things that fans of THE Ohio State University can do to help cope with these trying times. (more…)
Hillary Clinton came in a disappointing third place at the Iowa caucuses. Clinton also came in a disappointing third place that night on Bill’s list of sex partners.
Rudy Giuliani opted not to campaign in Iowa, instead focusing his efforts on New Hampshire and Florida. In other words, Giuliani treated Iowa the same way he treats his children.
The Disney-owned ABC network barred Dennis Kucinich from participating in Saturday night’s televised debate. Unfortunately for Kucinich, Disney has the same policy for the debate that it has for its theme parks: You must be this tall to ride this ride. (more…)
MERRY, MERRY MOVIES!!!
This Christmas- The bells we hear ringing hopefully won’t be Homeland Security National Threat Level alarms. [Too soon? Too…foreshadow-y?]
The Perfect Holiday- One that involves a lot of booze, and little-to-no driving.
The Kite Runner – The long anticipated sequel to “Blade Runner.” However, as Harrison Ford is now too old to play Rick Deckard, Tom Hanks, who never ages, will replace him.
I Am Legend- Vampires?! Woo!! Ha-ha, ha-ha. Damn! Welcome to Urff.
Youth Without Youth- A documentary about Target’s child sweatshop workers in Asia. I applaud the producer who snuck this film in with the other “heartwarming holiday movies.”
Alvin and the Chipmunks – If Dave had been CGI and the Chipmunks had been real, I would’ve bought my tickets MONTHS ago.
National Treasure: Book of Secrets- Whoever deemed Bush’s diary a “national treasure” is getting an assload of explosive-laden coal in his or her stocking.
P.S. I Love You – P.P.S. But I will cook our children in the BBQ pit before I sit your Mother at our Christmas table.
Hi. I’m John McCain. Well, here we are at the end of 2007. Been some ride, huh? Especially with all this technology worming its slimy way onto the campaign trails. YouTube? Myspace? FoxNews.com? You just can’t trust ¾ of what you see on those pages! Why? Because nothing’s on paper. All that info just floats around in this nebulous “web.” You can see it, sure, but can you feel it? Can you touch it? No sir! Not that you’d want to anyway seeing as nobody has any idea where it comes from.
That being said, I’d like to take a moment to point out the man whom 20 viable, tactile, REAL New Hampshire newspapers have endorsed as their choice to lead the GOP: ME. They all chose me! Everybody from The Record Enterprise, to The Baysider, to- you guessed it- The Keene Sentinel. Even The Boston Globe said nice things! I know, that’s not technically New Hampshire, but you can buy it in New Hampshire, and really, who’s counting?
The bigger question is, who can pass up refreshing pro-McCain blurbs from such venerable publications as The Fremont Library Gazette? I can’t. I mean, look at this one: “Mike Huckabee’s not what he’s cracked up to be and Rudy Guiliani is a big bag of boiled scum.” It’s poetry! And I’m not quoting from a blog here, folks. I’m paraphrasing from actual printed material, edited and published by concerned voters who are crying out in bitter protest, “Mitt Romney’s favorite book is Battlefield Earth!” Doesn’t that just kill you? I mean, who wants a dork running the country?
So take a tip from some of the most respected pundits in newsprint today, proud patriots who write for the Stoningberg Bugle, The Marytown Middleschool Sentinel, Better Shrubs and Lawn Bowling, the Ealington Extra, and Suduko packs available in selected New Hampshire Shell Stations.
It doesn’t get much more tangible than that, people. Vote for me, John McCain in 2008. You won’t catch me on the web!!
1.) You no longer feel safe chewing on children’s toys. Or beef. Or toothpaste.2.) You remember where you were for those five minutes when Studio 60 was on the Sunset Strip.
3.) You use “salad” as a slang term for “e-coli.”
4.) You’ve forgotten what planes look like when they take off.
5.) Instead of telling your children “The Boogie Man will get you!” you say, “Angelina Jolie will get you! (more…)
1.) You no longer feel safe chewing on children’s toys. Or beef. Or toothpaste.2.) You remember where you were for those five minutes when Studio 60 was on the Sunset Strip.
3.) You use “salad” as a slang term for “e-coli.”
4.) You’ve forgotten what planes look like when they take off.
5.) Instead of telling your children “The Boogie Man will get you!” you say, “Angelina Jolie will get you! (more…)
