Do you find your job unfulfilling? Do you have nothing in common with your co-workers other than the soul sucking job that you share? Would you rather pull out your pubes one at a time with dull tweezers than listen to another story about your cube mate’s kid’s piano recital? Well then I give you “10 Ways to Alienate You Co-Workers Using the News!” Follow these quick and easy steps and you will never be invited to attend an awkward co-worker lunch again!
10. Start wearing a Fidel Castro fashion cap to work and tell people that you’re the new ruler of Cuba. If they try to contradict you, yell, “Viva la revolution!” and karate chop them in the face.
9. When you hear your co-workers talking about the recent killings at NIU say, “I can understand how someone could do that.” And then back away from the group slowly.
8. Tell your coworkers that you hated “Juno.” I don’t know why, but this one guarantees to make all of your coworkers hate you.
7. Use your $600 Economic Stimulus check to build a wheel with all your co-worker’s faces on it that says, “People I think lick monkey balls,” then spend all day spinning it.
6. Next time you hear someone commenting that Barack Obama is only half black say, “and I’ll bet I know which half…His penis.”
5. Start telling people that you think history will show that Karl Rove was misunderstood – Just like Hitler.
4. Tell your Democratic co-workers that you’re voting for Ralph Nader.
3. Tell your co-worker with the abnormally large forehead, “You know, Roger Clemens shot Human Growth Hormones into his muscles. Not his forehead. Just a tip.”
2. Insist that Iraq isn’t a country but rather the new shelving system from Apple.
1. Walk up to a group of people talking about Heath Ledger and say, “Heath Ledger? More like Queef Ledger. Am I right?” Then stand there waiting for someone to high five you. Please note – No one will high five you.
Ah, the Oscars. Twelve minutes of entertainment spread out over four hours. And this year looks even more dire than usual. A year-round frenzy of speculation, on websites and blogs and desperate attempts by failing newspapers to pander to their rapidly declining audiences, drains the awards of any suspense. ABC cheapens the honor of Oscar presenters by including Miley Cyrus on the list to draw the kids - as if they won’t already be drawn to the show by Hal Holbrook! And even the protean efforts of Jon Stewart won’t be able to alleviate the dreaded Second Hour Sag.
So what can get a devoted entertainment industry insider (as all of you are, of course) through this annual colossus, when experience will inevitably crush hope?
So we proudly present the rules of the Official 2008 Academy Awards Drinking Game (“official” in the sense that if you play, you won’t be able to get to your “office” Monday morning). Remember that alcohol should be enjoyed in moderation; if you’re drinking, take a hint from the stars and get a driver so the paparazzi can easily get pictures of your underwear-less nether regions as you get out of the car. Oh, and I won’t be participating in these Dionysian festivities; I filmed the latest installment of Derek Waters’ “Drunk History” last week and will never touch alcohol again.
And here we go!! (more…)
“Don’t you think there’s more out there?”
“We’re cows, this is what we do.”
“Well I’m tired of it. I’ve heard of something called a writer and something where you do nothing called a strike.”
“Again, we’re cows. We stand, eat and do nothing.”
“Not anymore. I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore. I’m striking. I’m sitting down.”
“I wouldn’t do that. We’re supposed to keep moving through the gates.”
“Here comes one of those guys with a stick.”
“He can poke me all he wants, I won’t move a ….MOOOAAARGH…don’t tase me bro.”
“Seriously? Don’t tase me bro? That’s almost six months old. You should have more pride than that. You’re a cow, not Dane Cook.”
“Hey, words can hurt bull.”
“Well, you don’t hear me crying and saying, ‘Leave Frank alone’.”
“Yeah, and I appreciate that.”
“Well, let’s just keep moving down this chute. Things are bound to look up.”
Will Hillary cry?Will Wolf Blitzer still be a weasel?
Will Barack learn the hard way that if you’re the “First Black Kennedy” you should stay the hell out of Texas?
President Bush has asked the military to come up with plans to shoot down the malfunctioning spy satellite that is expected to crash into Earth early next month. The current plan is for the satellite to go hunting with Dick Cheney.
The Bush administration intends to bring capital murder charges against six men allegedly linked to the September 11 terrorist attacks. The administration will do so as soon as they figure out which six men.
Officials in Israel said on Wednesday that they are not responsible for the bombing that killed senior Hezbollah leader Imad Mughniyeh. However, they finally copped to killing Jesus. (more…)
An Open Letter to the American People by Al-Qaeda:
For the past few months, we at Al-Qaeda have been happy with the way things have been going in America. Your worthless dollar has the economy tanking, thousands of people are losing their homes, Fool’s Gold is #1 at the box office. But all this terrible news does not seem to scare you filthy American dogs. The important question to America now is whether or not Roger Clemens used HGH ten years ago. This issue needs to be resolved immediately. Until it is, Al-Qaeda has no choice but to take a temporary hiatus from terrorism. There will be no bombings, no beheadings, or no beard-growing until this is settled once and for all. (more…)
Big News members in MastersofHumility.com and StudioFred.com would like to put forward their (highly questionable) conspiracy theory as to how the studios broke the writers’ spirit, forcing them off the picket lines.