Top Story Weekly

Ah, the Oscars. Twelve minutes of entertainment spread out over four hours. And this year looks even more dire than usual. A year-round frenzy of speculation, on websites and blogs and desperate attempts by failing newspapers to pander to their rapidly declining audiences, drains the awards of any suspense. ABC cheapens the honor of Oscar presenters by including Miley Cyrus on the list to draw the kids - as if they won’t already be drawn to the show by Hal Holbrook! And even the protean efforts of Jon Stewart won’t be able to alleviate the dreaded Second Hour Sag.

So what can get a devoted entertainment industry insider (as all of you are, of course) through this annual colossus, when experience will inevitably crush hope?

Alcohol!

So we proudly present the rules of the Official 2008 Academy Awards Drinking Game (“official” in the sense that if you play, you won’t be able to get to your “office” Monday morning). Remember that alcohol should be enjoyed in moderation; if you’re drinking, take a hint from the stars and get a driver so the paparazzi can easily get pictures of your underwear-less nether regions as you get out of the car. Oh, and I won’t be participating in these Dionysian festivities; I filmed the latest installment of Derek Waters’ “Drunk History” last week and will never touch alcohol again.

And here we go!!

IF…George Clooney’s date is a fellow Facts of Life cast member
THEN…drink a wine cooler

IF…Clooney’s date is Charlotte Rae
THEN…drink a four pack of wine coolers while dancing to the music of El Debarge. Or Jermaine Jackson. They’re equally tubular.

IF…Ellen Page wins Best Actress
THEN…drink ten tons of Sunny D. Pee into beer stein. Give stein to guest to your left and tell them it’s warm beer. Laugh as they drink it.

IF…Johnny Depp wins Best Actor
THEN…slash throat of person sitting to your right. Bake their flesh into a meat pie. Consume meat pie with their beer.

IF…the Coen Brothers win Best Director
THEN…punch first person who says “Oh, ya!” like Marge Gunderson from Fargo. Then drink their beer.

IF…Viggo Mortenson wins Best Actor
THEN…Take off all your clothes and drink while gratuitously naked.

IF…Casey Affleck wins Best Supporting Actor
THEN…Drunk dial your older brother who used to be more successful than you and remind him that not only did you get an Oscar nomination for acting before he did but that his old girlfriend just had another man’s twins. (Note: Only applies if you are Casey Affleck.)

IF…“Madame Tutli-Putli” wins Best Short Film, Animated
THEN…get hammered, because the greatest travesty in Oscar history has just occurred. “Madame Tutli-Putli” over “I Am the Walrus?!!!!” Seriously?!!!!!

IF…”Transformers” wins Best Sound
THEN… send your beer to Kevin O’Connell, who on his record-setting twentieth try finally won an Oscar. Transform beer bottle into car to get it there.

IF…Ruby Dee wins Best Supporting Actress
THEN…stand up and applaud a life not only of outstanding performances but of meaningful contributions to society.

IF…Diablo Cody wins the Best Original Screenplay Oscar and during her acceptance speech thanks her childhood friend and Big News cast member Christopher Biewer
THEN…drinks are on Christopher! Chug!

IF…Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor
THEN…insert straw into beer of person to your left, and you DRINK THEIR BEER-SHAKE! YOU DRINK IT UP! Then beat him to death with a bowling pin.

IF…Julie Christie wins Best Actress
THEN…Have mad, impetuous affair with Warren Beatty. Drink to forget him when he breaks your heart. If that doesn’t work, get Alzheimer’s.