Terror Alerts for Aging Children

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Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, March 30, 2008

Former first lady Nancy Reagan endorsed John McCain for president Tuesday. Reagan and McCain then shared a laugh when they discovered that each had picked the other in this year’s dead pool.

Mitt Romney made his first appearance on the campaign trail with John McCain at a fund-raising event in Salt Lake City Thursday. McCain hopes that Romney’s efforts will help him capture the all-important douchebag vote.

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday that she would have walked out of church if her minister had talked about America like Barack Obama’s pastor Jeremiah Wright did. Clinton added that she would not have walked out on Reverend Wright if she was married to him and he had cheated with a fat intern. (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, March 30, 2008 - Bonus Jokes!

The Big News writing staff is hard at work crafting great comedy each week for your enjoyment. And thanks to Al Gore, there’s a place for those jokes that can’t fit into the show - the Internet! To see what did make it in, stop by iO West in Hollywood on Sunday nights from 10 to 11!

Barack Obama released seven years of tax returns on Tuesday, putting pressure on presidential rival Hillary Clinton to make her returns public. Not to be outdone, John McCain has released 130 years of tax filings.

Barack Obama released seven years of tax returns on Tuesday, putting pressure on presidential rival Hillary Clinton to make her returns public. Not to be outdone, John McCain has released his notes from the First Continental Congress.

On Tuesday, Barack Obama released his tax returns from the past seven years. However, instead of writing down actual dollar amounts, he just wrote “Yes We Can” over and over. (more…)

Meet the Next CEO of Halliburton

According to CNN, twenty-two year-old Efraim Diveroli has a company with over 200 million in contracts to provide weapons to Afghanistan. Since 2004 (when he would have been 18) he has done over 10 million in business with the good old U.S. of A.

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Efraim’s heroes include Dick Cheney, Dick Cheney, and Dick Cheney.

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, March 23, 2008

In a follow-up to his speech on racial issues, Barack Obama told a Philadelphia radio station Thursday that his grandmother was a “typical white person.”. Obama added that he loves his grandmother even though she listens to Nickelback and can’t dunk a basketball.

More than 11,000 pages of schedules from Hillary Clinton’s tenure as first lady were released last week. Eight thousand of those pages were devoted exclusively to her crying in bed.

John McCain made a gaffe in a speech Tuesday by saying that Iran is training al-Qaeda to fight in Iraq, when Iran is actually training a different group of extremists. McClain excused his misstatement by noting that the United States should be fighting the real enemy - those darn kids who won’t stay off his lawn. (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, March 23, 2008 - Bonus Jokes!

Here’s a treat even better than a Cadbury egg - a bunch of great jokes that we didn’t have room for in this week’s Big News Report! Stop by iO West this Sunday, March 23 at 10 pm to see the ones that did make it in!

More than 11,000 pages of schedules from Hillary Rodham Clinton’s time in the White House were released last week, offering the most comprehensive public record of her tenure as First Lady. In a related story, the Bush administration has announced that it will make public Laura’s record as first lady…all three paragraphs.

More than 11,000 pages of schedules from Hillary Rodham Clinton’s time in the White House were released last week, offering the most comprehensive public record of her tenure as First Lady. The schedule consisted entirely of Clinton waiting for the phone to ring at three in the morning.

Hillary Clinton has doubled her lead in the Pennsylvania primary polls. Her numbers surged after Clinton promised never to visit the state again if people vote for her. (more…)

5 More Common Misconceptions About Spring Break

Well, it’s that time of year again, Spring break.

Excuse me, I said it incorrectly;

Spring break, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, that’s better. Are you getting ready to go on your first spring break? I am sure you have a lot of questions, and I am here to help. Here are 5 more common misconceptions about spring break that you may not be aware of;

5) It’s difficult to be popular

This one to me should be obvious. If you have a bunch of broke students gathered together in some tropical area trying to get away from all their problems for a week, they will be looking for one thing above all else. That thing is booze. So if you are the one who always has plenty of the good stuff to go around, then the cool folks will want to be around you! In fact, if you bring a whole lot with you, they might even try to get a hold of you next year too!

4) You are better looking the drunker you get

In fact, you actually are not. I know that you probably think that you are a superhero when you drink enough. You think you can do kung fu, breakdance, or even get with that chick. But here is the problem, no matter how much you drink, you still are going to look exactly the same. Perhaps a bit more haggard than usual, but overall if it wasn’t working for you before, alcohol will not help get you to clear that hurdle. The general look that you have does not suddenly change to that of a Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.

3) You can sing

No, no you cannot. I’m sure you think it’s really awesome to get up on that Karaoke stage with your 5 bestest girlfriends and try to belt out ‘Friends in Low Places’. But honestly, nobody wants to hear it. Nobody is enjoying it. Everybody is making fun of you. That applause you here at the end is people grateful that you were able to finish without causing them major auditory damage. Also, you should not attempt to perform 50 Cent’s ‘In Da Club’ just because it happens to be your friend’s birthday. You don’t know that song, you just know the first 2 lines. Please just don’t.

2) That tattoo artist is accredited

So it’s 4:23AM and you just had a great night. You are bombed out of your mind and want a memento of this great trip. Why a tat would be just the thing! Be aware, just because a guy happens to have a tattoo needle does not actually make him a quality artist. Warning signs consist of the following; He is drunker than you. His parlor is just a crate in an alley behind the bar you were just at. His ink is just drained from old Bic pens. He gives you that funny look like he doesn’t know what the Superman symbol actually looks like. He has a partner who acts as a lookout.
If you can avoid these pitfalls, your skin will thank you for it later.

1) If it comes in a cup, it should be drunk

I’m just saying give every beverage the smell test before you randomly chug it down. There is no worse feeling in the world than being handed a cup, swilling it, then realizing oh too late that you just had a yummy urinetini. Also, if it’s smoking and bubbling give it a pass as well, I’ve never met a mad scientist who was a good bartender.

So there y’all go. Go have fun in your various destinations, and try to only contract the curable forms of VD!

-Ray
www.almightyray.com

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, March 16, 2008

spitzer-mouthNew York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday following revelations that he had been a regular customer of a high-priced prostitution ring. As part of his atonement to wife Silda, the Governor has had all his teeth removed.

With Spitzer’s resignation, New York’s new chief executive is David Paterson, who becomes the nation’s first blind governor. However, Paterson immediately faced his own sex scandal when people discovered how he became blind in the first place.

The Associated Press reports that the brother of Ashley Alexander Dupre, the singer-prostitute at the center of the Spitzer sex scandal, is facing a drug sentence. The sentence is, “I started using drugs when I found out my sister is a hooker.” (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, March 16, 2008 - Bonus Jokes!

You know how when you have a great meal and there’s too much good stuff to eat at one sitting, so you take some home for later? Well, if the Big News Report is the meal, our writers are the great chefs, cooking up more awesome jokes then we can eat at one sitting. So here’s some morsels of humor that we couldn’t fit into the Big News Report for March 16 - to see what made it in, stop by iO West in Hollywood Sunday night at 10! (more…)

Sing Spitzer Sing

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-__zfDROyDQ]