Top Story Weekly

On Friday Barack Obama picked up the support of nine more superdelegates, erasing Hillary Clinton’s lead in endorsements. Clinton lost her lead mainly because of her habit of waking up superdelegates by calling them at 3 AM.

Hillary Clinton reportedly lent her campaign $6.4 million over the past month. Clinton then took an additional $8 million and flushed it directly down the toilet.

Barack Obama said Thursday that John McCain was “losing his bearings” when he suggested the terrorist group Hamas preferred Obama for president. In response, McCain accused Obama of ageism in a strong statement issued to a row of hedges. (more…)

Everyone loves animals. Some love them and squeeze them and call them George. Some love to watch their cute videos on YouTube. Some love to hunt them down and eat them. Some love to tie the animal’s balls tightly and ride them. No matter what, animals play a large part in all of our lives. This edition of bonus jokes is dedicated to all of the animals in our lives. For the jokes meant for humans, come and check out Big News at the IOWest on Sunday night at 10 pm!

A seven year-old bald eagle will have an artificial beak attached to replace one that had been shot off. The bald eagle is also solving his embarrassing bald spot by getting a toupee.

A seven year-old bald eagle will have an artificial beak attached to replace one that had been shot off. In other news, Dick Cheney gets a second chance to kill a bald eagle.
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[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPRu5z1mf7c]

Rumor has it that Hillary Clinton may actually concede the Democratic nomination sometime in the future, but nobody, especially Barack Obama, should believe it. After being killed off in February, Hillary’s campaign became an army of the living dead, feasting on the brains of “hard-working white Americans” and chubby journalists on NBC. Soon, it will consume us all…

UPDATE, MONDAY, MAY 12th:  I Am Obama is on the front page of FunnyorDie.com!

In recent days, we have found out that there are rumors that put Roger Clemens in relationships with various women including country singer Mindy McCready and Paulette Dean Daly, the former wife of golfer John Daly. Add that to the unfounded allegations of steroid use and sticking needles in one’s bottom, and Clemens, one of the greatest right-handed pitchers of all time, is in a negative maelstrom. Today, Clemens apologized for his personal indiscretions. Well, I try to stay above all of that Nelly Negativity you find out there in the “blogoflat”*, and that is why I am backing up Roger Clemens and providing a list of at least five people that haven’t visited Roger Clemens’ fancy bedchambers.**

* Coined by the Flat Internet Society since any premise that the realm of blogs is a “sphere” is a completely unfounded theory, much like the existence of North Dakota.

** I don’t know personally if he has fancy bedchambers, but as I’ve heard different things, until I can confirm, I’m going with the ‘positive’ aspect rather than a cockroach-infested pee-pee stained refrigerator box.
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“I’m Sorrier Than An Alcoholic In A Bar Full Of O’Douls”

by Hannah Montana

I just wanted y’all to know that my good friend Miley Cyrus is not the one posin’ in them racy pictures. I am! I woulda said something sooner, but I kinda forgot about it because my parents wanted me to. Plus, I been on tour.

You know what, though, I can’t even believe I had to say anything. Y’all must be dumber than a hummingbird for thinkin’ that was Miley in that spread. Number one- and I’m only saying this to help her out- we don’t even look alike! She’s brunette; I’m blonde. She’s a couple pounds heavier; I’m in perfect shape. She looks white trash; I never wear my blue jean, acid-washed Wal-Mart mini without hose.

Number two-remember, now, I’m saying this for her own good- she ain’t famous!! You think a respectable magazine like Vanity Fair would want some redneck hack on the cover? I mean, the only reason that tramp gets anywhere in this town is ridin’ on the fancy coattails of her daddy, Billy Ray [who, by the way, is totally H-A-W-T!]

Bottom line is, Miley Cyrus is a precious, precious girl. Why, every time I’m too drunk to walk straight down the red carpet, she steps right in and takes my place. And that time I was pregnant for 7 days she lip sank for me the entire week.

Just leave her alone, all right?! And buy my CD. I need the money to pay my Meth dealer. [He gets testy when it's been a week or two since he et anything, and then he makes a ton of weird crafts and shit and sends ‘em to me, and I need all that shelf space for all the Grammys I know I'll get next year.]

XOXO,

Hannah J

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caIbKR3XfGY]

What you didn’t see in the interview Oprah did with Tom Cruise. New never before seen footage from his home in Colorado!

Two stories from this past weekend make the call very clear: we need a widescreen Dolby surround sound battle between Robert Downey Jr. and Pat Buchanan.

The Hollywood script structure is already set up for an IRON MAN sequel: the bad guy got off to an early lead on Friday when Buchanan published his treatise The Way Our World Ends, in which Pat bemoans how white people are disappearing from Earth faster than supporters for Hillary’s gas tax holiday.

Buchanan starts off the piece referencing two T.S. Eliot works and the Pax Romana to illustrate going out “Not with a bang but a whimper” before introducing into the proof his personal friend, The Almighty, with this ominous note: “Recent reports suggest God has another end in store for us.”

Yes, Citizens for a Better Gotham (sorry, Whites only), Pat’s Bu-canon fires off the salvo that within sixty years white and black populations will have swapped their proportional numbers from the 1950 Wonder bread era, and 200 million caucasian people “will vanish by 2060.”

But whither will Whitey do this vanishing act over the next half-century?  Well, Orange County, sure.  But aside from the obvious last bastions of the GOP (apparently God’s Own Pigmentation), what future can possibly await all the poor pale people of the world?

Pat sez: “The Caucasian race is going the way of the Mohicans.”

This blog will now pause while everyone shuts off their loudly-klanging irony alarms…

Buchanan’s usual suspects have been lined up for identification, of course: “Arabic peoples,” the Chinese, them Hispanics and an assortment of other accomplices.  Birth rates among these groups is skyrocketing, while apparently white folks are too busy making war not love, and “the baby boom among these black and brown peoples is lifting and changing the face of the Old Continent forever.”

Run!  Flee!  Scurry!  The coloreds are coming!  And it only gets worse for Pat and his rag tag band of tanless brothers: “Three-fourths of Americans wanted more restrictions on immigration. Yet all three presidential candidates voted amnesty for the 12 million to 20 million illegal aliens.”

Bing… go!  Pat doesn’t say it outright, but you can hear it sizzling under the spittle around his quivering lips: the wrong people are running for President.  And one of them… is one of THEM!  

Ok, Paramount, this part of the sequel’s movie trailer will be awash in those 1930s title cards flipping up and folding over bombastic headlines of horror: SEE THE BLACKS STORM PAT’S WHITE CASTLE!  SHUDDER WITH HORROR AT THE RAMPANT MULTICULTURALISM!  WILL YOU SURVIVE THIS ENDLESS DARK NIGHT OF TERROR?!  Can’t you just see it, Favreau?  This baby sells itself!

Run, don’t walk, to your local theater… and build a wall around it.  Then build another wall around that, and wrap the whole thing in white picket fence just to be safe, Americans!   [And by Americans, we know who Pat really means.]

Fear Monger is on the loose and we need Iron Man more than ever.  Marvel and Paramount pocketed over $100 million this weekend, we know a sequel is only 120 pages away, so let’s suit up Robert Downey Jr. again and put him to work against this racist xenophobe and his weapons of mass dysfunction.  I’m betting Tony Stark will drink to that.

Then again, maybe all we average citizens need to battle evil is a few million thoughtful ballots?  Ok, ballots and Downey in that kick-ass armor suit.  We can fight bigotry and still look freaking cool.

Wait till Samuel L. Jackson hears about this.

On Tuesday, Barack Obama strongly condemned his former pastor Jeremiah Wright, in light of Wright’s comments including allegations that the CIA gave AIDS to African Americans. Still no word from Wright as to who the CIA slept with to get AIDS in the first place.

Comedian and Minnesota Senate candidate Al Franken said Tuesday he will pay about $70,000 in back income taxes he owes to 17 states dating back to 2003. Franken owes the money because all 17 states have a 35% “Smugness Tax.”

Members of Truckers and Citizens United staged a rally in Washington, D.C. Monday protesting high gas prices. Unfortunately, the truckers ran out of gas and couldn’t afford their trip back home. (more…)

We here at Big News feel we’d be stealing from you, much like Niko running wild on the streets of Liberty City, if we didn’t share all of our bounty from our writers. So, here is our little segment we call BONUS JOKES, and we hope that Roman doesn’t tell Niko to come to the iO West Sunday night at 10 pm to see the rest of the bounty he’s missing.

According to market analysts, the release of the videogame Grand Theft Auto 4 is expected to increase the number of Sony Playstation 3s that are sold. Unfortunately, the increase in sales is expected to be offset by the number of Playstations stolen.
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Dear Diary,

Oh boy, I did lots today. Today was so super. Here is a list of the top eight things I did today:

1. I saw a trailer for Speed Racer today. It was a really cool trailer. I think I want to make a list of the Top 12 trailers of movies based on old cartoons. This would be different from the list I proposed of the top 12 movies based on old cartoons because it would just be about the trailers

2. I had an awesome breakfast. The top five things in my breakfast today, in no particular order, were scrambled eggs, whole wheat toast, crispy bacon, Valencia orange juice, and strawberry jam. I don’t know if it ranks in my top 15 breakfasts of all time, but it certainly ranks in my top nine homemade breakfasts of all time

3. I got in a heated debate about American Idol today with one of my coworkers. She said that David Archuleta was the greatest Idol contestant whose last name ended in a vowel and I said he wouldn’t even crack the top four, what with Fantasia Barrino, Justin Guarini, Bo Bice, and Kimberly Locke. She said nuh-uh, Locke doesn’t end with a vowel and I said yeah-huh. And she was totally better. Remember that song “8th World Wonder.” That has numbers and words. I like numbers and words. It’s almost like a list but not quite

4. I thought of several lists today. The top three lists I thought of were Top 25 Movies featuring veterinarians, Top 15 actors who appeared in Burger King commercials (Elisabeth Shue, I’m thinking you’re up there!), and Top 50 uses of synthesizers in 80s songs. Those are awesome lists.

5. I got home early so I was able to catch up on the TiVo for my favorite show: E’s “The Daily 10.” That show is so cool. It puts entertainment news in list form, which makes it more important to me. They should really do the news news, like the Darfur stuff, you know, in list form. It would make it so much easier to follow.

6. I did a list with Roman numerals instead of numbers, and that was kind of neat. Numbers are better for lists, but Roman numerals are good for a change of pace or if you meet a Roman and you want to speak his language. Letters are OK too, but you’re going have so many letters in the actual list, you should just use numbers. I think it goes, in order, numbers, Roman numerals, letters, and then wingdings. Wingdings are the worst because they’re weird.

7. Someone posted a comment that it was so much better years ago when Entertainment Weekly put out an important list once or twice a year, but I totally nailed that guy. I gave him 20 reasons why daily lists are better than biannual lists and I ordered them from least awesome to most awesome which is the best way to structure a list. It was definitely in the top 75 responses to a reader complaint about our lists of all time. So eat that, hotpants17!

8. I bought an orangutan.

So that was my day. Out of all the days in the week it was definitely in the top 7 Write to you tomorrow!

– Tom Repetto (non-EW editor)