Doesn’t Anybody Watch Reruns Anymore?

This from KNBC-TV: Naked Men Robbed After Women Lure Them Into Motel

I’m pretty sure this - besides being just pathetic - was a “Seinfeld” episode. And for those who are wondering where the hell Calimesa is, Google Maps reveals it’s halfway between San Berdoo and Banning, which somehow increases the patheticism of this story by a factor of ten.

This town of 7,400 souls, 81% of whom have graduated high school (please visit the city web site and check out its awesome waving American flag GIF), seems an unlikely place for such a crime to take place. Not because four dim-witted horndogs were fleeced by con women with the old “take off your clothes, handcuff yourselves together, and get reading for the sexin’” trick, but because these men thought that there might actually be four female residents of such a town that would be down for some hot quad action in the Motel 6 off of I-10.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Calimesa is a hotbed of sweaty sheet swinger action.

EDITORIAL: Volume on Television Commercial

Crazy Eddie

Crazy Eddie

By Crazy Eddie
of Crazy Eddie’s Used Autos, Van Nuys, CA
So apparently some Congresslady wants to turn down the volume on television commercials.  Now, I know that I’m crazy because, with the prices on my lot, I’m practically giving cars away.  But this woman is the real nutcase.  Quiet TV commercials?  How am I supposed to tell people about the amazing prices we have on pre-owned Dodges, Chryslers and Plymouths without yelling?  Sure, I could whisper about low APR financing and no payments until 2009, but who will believe me?  Studies have shown that people only trust you when you yell.  Don’t believe me?  How about this?  STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THAT PEOPLE ONLY TRUST YOU WHEN YOU YELL!!! I bet you believed me that time.
What if I start talking quiet and Crazy Frank from Crazy Frank’s Used Autos next door keeps yelling, and I lose business?  Is this Congresslady Eshoo going to take all these like-new Caravans off my hands?  Look, I like Congresslady Eshoo, and I want to help her out.  I know she needs to pass bills to stay in business, so I’m going to put her in a bill today.  She can take her pick– we’ve got appropriations bills, we’ve got legislative bills, we’ve got public bills, we’ve got private bills!  So come on down to Crazy Eddie’s Used Autos and Legislation on Van Nuys Boulevard today!

Christian Bale Mistakes Mother and Sister for Supervillains

LONDON - Actor Christian Bale, he of growly-voiced Batman fame, was arrested and charged with assault on Tuesday. The victims were his mother and sister, whom the Method actor had mistaken for Catwoman and Harley Quinn.

According to completely unsubstantiated rumors that I’ve made up just now, Bale — in full Batman regalia — dangled mum and sis out the top-floor window of the Dorchester Hotel by a bat-rope and snarled at them unintelligibly as “The Dark Knight” director Christopher Nolan incompetently filmed his every action.

The Associated Press reports the assault took place on Sunday night, but Bale wasn’t detained by police the following Monday so as to avoid interfering with the European premiere of “The Dark Knight” that same day. The bobbies in London are clearly as worthless as the cops in Gotham City.

-Brad Lohan

Michael Savage Beats Up on Autistic Kids

I suppose being a hateful bloated pig counts as having talent in this country. As such, our airwaves are polluted with filth like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Michael Savage (nee Michael Weiner). They spew their lies, their obfuscations, their ill-informed opinions and a dim-witted segment of our culture soaks it all up. It beats the hell out of reading, I guess. In our “free country” it’s comforting to know that we can simply turn off our brains and let someone like Michael Savage — being the expert that he is on so many subjects — tell us how to think.

I hate these scumbags. I really do. They’re a bunch of yellow-bellied cowards. All bullies are. They hide behind their microphones and bloviate endlessly, talking tough about one damn thing or another, when it’s clear they’re just scared little boys trapped in big fat men’s bodies. It’s too bad that enough people don’t wise up to their nonsense and turn them off. But unfortunately, there are a lot of scared little boys trapped in big fat men’s bodies in our country, just as empty-headed and tasteless as these clowns.

I try to avoid getting too political on my blog. It’s about entertainment, and frankly, the primaries exhausted me dreadfully. So what I want to talk about, what this blog is going to address isn’t political. Apparently, the vicious Michael Savage on his radio show — something I assume passes for “entertainment” in certain circles –  decided to go after autistic children. According to the Associated Press, he said, “In 99 percent of the cases, [an autistic child is] a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out.”

This man is diseased. I understand that he holds a PhD in nutritional ethnomedicine, credentials that obviously make him an authority on learning disabilities. I’m kidding. He’s a crank and has no idea what he’s talking about. My B.A. in Film gives me about as much background on the subject of autism. But monsters like Savage seem to have the impression that the only way to solve a problem, any problem, is with venomous attacks.

Yes, I’ve made quite a few ad hominem comments about Savage and his rotten ilk. They don’t have learning disabilities, though. See, I believe in meeting a villain at his level. You want to call someone names? Okay, let’s see how you like it when I do it to you. Does it make me better than that person? It’s debatable. Still, I’m not worried about appearances. I just think you’re a pretty poor excuse for a human being when you start making fun of autistic kids. I mean, what’s the matter with him? Too scared to pick on someone his own size? Too morbidly obese to find someone his own size?

I hope this fiend steps on a rake. It won’t knock any sense into him — that ship has sailed — but it might jar a little compassion loose from that fetid frontal lobe of his. And for once, something he did would strike me as funny and not in extremely poor taste.

-Brad Lohan

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, July 20, 2008

We at Big News are still awaiting word as to when iO West will reopen. Right now our next show is scheduled for Sunday, July 27 at 9pm. But the layoff hasn’t stopped our writers from writing jokes about the events of the day - and while we may not have a theater in which to present them, we do have the good ol’ Internet!

The Obama campaign has objected to a cartoon on the cover of the New Yorker that depicts him as a Muslim and his wife as a radical black activist. Obama was upset mostly because his depiction was not wearing a flag pin.

The Obama campaign has objected to a cartoon on the cover of the New Yorker that depicts him as a Muslim and his wife as a radical black activist. Objecting to cartoons inside the New Yorker: golfers, doctors and squiggly people with marital problems.

In a speech this week, Barack Obama said that the war in Iraq distracts Americans from the threat of the Taliban in Afghanistan. Obama added that the war distracts Americans from an even bigger threat: cartoonists.

Monkey Moe Moseys Mojave - Maybe

With so many breaking stories today (Mars, billions of years ago - wet. Andy Dick - busted. World’s greatest dad busted for being a perv - must see mugshot) it was exceedingly hard for me to decide upon which current event to explore in today’s post, especially before I had indulged in my second cup of coffee.

And so, in the grand tradition of hacks and human interest columnists everywhere, I am going with none of the above. I am going with the monkey story.

Today’s monkey story is set against the backdrop of that strange corner of the Inland Empire which has been the setting for a remarkable series of dramatic monkey stories over the past few years.

This area - which I have just decided I will now refer to as The Monkeyverse - has a strange propensity for producing simian sagas the likes of which have not been seen since proto-humans crawled out of Africa’s Great Rift Valley and began their inexorable climb up the evolutionary ladder: a ladder which, incidentally, would eventually lead to Andy Dick being busted outside a chicken wing joint in Murrieta, CA.

But I digress.


Who’s Next? List of Wealthy, Single Old Ladies Troubles Police, Alarm Companies

Look out for Reggie Jackson

Big News has Obtained Privately Prepared Lists of Weak Doddering Women with the Most Money Tucked Under Their Mattresses

Wealthy women in California, New York and even London, England top the list of the most vulnerable old maids who keep large amounts of money in coffee cans at home.

While the ADT Alarm Company maintains a meticulous private list of all of its affluent geriatric female customers and has it broken out into several categories like perky, decrepit, cooks for herself, saggy and couldn’t defend herself against a real nasty vole, Big News found ways of getting its own list.

Controversy Erupts over New Yorker Cover Because it shows Obama as a Cartoon Character

Barack Obama’s campaign is condemning as “tasteless and offensive” a New Yorker magazine cover because it depicts Obama and wife Michelle as two-dimensional cartoon drawings, instead of as the three-dimensional humans they’ve always claimed to be.

“The cover is tasteless and offensive,” commented Obama spokesman Bill Burton. “The New Yorker says it’s satire, but the cover will only serve to reinforce untrue rumors that Barack and Michelle are actually cartoon characters.”

Despite the criticism from the Obama campaign, many see the cover as photographic evidence that proves for the first time ever that the Obamas are, in fact, cartoons.

“The proof is right there,” said former Fox News host E.D. Hill. “I was saying all along that Michelle and Barack’s fist bump was really a cartoon fist jab, and there they are on the cover, as cartoons, fist-jabbing in a very cartoon-like manner.”

The New Yorker Controversy: Could It Help Obama?

As someone who has been mightily impressed by the political acumen of Senator Obama and his staff, I am among those who wouldn’t be surprised if Jesse Jackson’s “gaffe” of last week wasn’t as accidental as it appears. From a strategic standpoint, an opportunity for Senator Obama to distance himself from Reverend Jackson could get him a second look from voters with a, to be charitable, “less sophisticated” understanding who might otherwise tend to assume all African-American political figures held the same beliefs. With this “rift,” these voters, who might not hold Reverend Jackson in the highest of esteem, might now take a second look at Obama.

The New Yorker controvery could present an even greater opportunity.

More Iranian Photos Found to Be Digitally Altered


After the New York Times reported this week that the photo published on the front pages of newspapers all over the world of four Iranian rockets being launched had actually been digitally altered to include an extra rocket that did not fire, we at Big News scrutinized some other photos released by the Iranian government to explore possible discrepancies.  These are the results:

[caption id="attachment_623" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Mahmoud Ahmadinejad most likely does not have the ability to become the Hulk, even when provoked."]

Evidence of doctoring in Iranian photo of rocket launch.


[caption id="attachment_625" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="While the debate regarding creationism rages on, most scientists and theologians agree that President Ahmadinejad was most likely not responsible—or even present—for the creation of the universe."]While the debate regarding creationism rages on, most scientists and theologians agree that President Ahmadinejad was most likely not responsible—or even present—for the creation of the universe.

Though not a small country, other countries who have seen Iran in the locker room insist that it is not especially well-endowed.