Top Story Weekly

We at Big News are still awaiting word as to when iO West will reopen. Right now our next show is scheduled for Sunday, July 27 at 9pm. But the layoff hasn’t stopped our writers from writing jokes about the events of the day - and while we may not have a theater in which to present them, we do have the good ol’ Internet!

The Obama campaign has objected to a cartoon on the cover of the New Yorker that depicts him as a Muslim and his wife as a radical black activist. Obama was upset mostly because his depiction was not wearing a flag pin.

The Obama campaign has objected to a cartoon on the cover of the New Yorker that depicts him as a Muslim and his wife as a radical black activist. Objecting to cartoons inside the New Yorker: golfers, doctors and squiggly people with marital problems.

In a speech this week, Barack Obama said that the war in Iraq distracts Americans from the threat of the Taliban in Afghanistan. Obama added that the war distracts Americans from an even bigger threat: cartoonists.

On Friday, former Sen. Phil Gramm gave up his position as economic advisor to the McCain campaign, a week after saying the United States was a “nation of whiners.” In resigning, Gramm pointed out that he’d realized we’re more of a nation of quitters.

Pope Benedict says that the world’s natural resources are being squandered in the pursuit of “insatiable consumption.” In addition, other natural resources are being squandered in order to make the pope’s hat.

After a meeting, President Bush stated that Russian President Dmitry Medvedev is a “smart guy.” In supporting his opinion, Bush pointed out that Medvedev had mastered the difficult language of Russian.

According to a new survey, only 21% of Americans are in favor of federal aid for those facing foreclosures. The other 79% did not respond to the survey because it was not sent to the box where they currently live.

A new poll of American Jews reveals that 90% think the country is on the wrong track. But for you, 85%.

A new poll of American Jews reveals that 90% think the country is on the wrong track. Although maybe they wouldn’t if you called once in a while.

World leaders at the G-8 conference have agreed to cut in half the amount of greenhouse gas emissions by the year 2050. President Bush said the U.S. will do its part on cutting gas emissions by shutting down all Taco Bells.

The United States military has a shortage of linguists fluent in the languages spoken in Afghanistan: Dari, Pashto, Uzbek, and Turkmen. The United States government likewise has a shortage of presidents fluent in English.

The Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that under state law, sex acts with the dead were illegal. As a result, groupies will not have sex with the band after the next Rolling Stones concert in Milwaukee.

The Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that under state law, sex acts with the dead were illegal. Anyone convicted will receive a stiff sentence.

The Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that under state law, sex acts with the dead were illegal. In light of the news, Larry King and his wife have cancelled their second honeymoon in Milwaukee.

The Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that under state law, sex acts with the dead were illegal. However, it remains legal in Wisconsin for quarterbacks with dead careers to screw their former team.

A 33-year-old Michigan man is accused of wearing a “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt to a meeting for sex with what he thought was a 14-year-old girl. In his defense, the man pointed out that under “World’s Greatest Dad,” the shirt said in smaller letters “at having sex with 14-year-old girls.”

French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced plans for a Mediterranean Union funded by the European Union and aimed at ending poverty, strife and other social and diplomatic problems in former French colonies in Northern Africa. The plans are all part of France’s new “You Break It, You Buy It” policy.

A Japanese labor bureau has ruled that a Toyota engineer died from working too many hours on the development of a Camry hybrid. Ironically, the new vehicle is designed to run on a combination of gasoline, electricity, and the ashes of dead Japanese engineers.

US Airways says it will start removing in-flight entertainment systems on domestic flights in November to save about $10 million annually in fuel and other costs. This decision will also save millions of lives once passengers are no longer forced to watch “Drillbit Taylor.”

US Airways says it will start removing in-flight entertainment systems on domestic flights in November to save about $10 million annually in fuel and other costs. US Airways is currently the only airline that uses gasoline-powered movies.

US Airways will start removing in-flight entertainment systems on domestic flights in November to save about $10 million annually in fuel and other costs. The airline loses money due to flights being delayed when passengers yell “There’s a bomb on board!” every time a Dane Cook movie is shown.

Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline on July 12. Jolie is healthy but disappointed, since with twins she figured odds were at least one of them would not be white.

The National Enquirer is reporting that sixty-two-year-old Cher plans to marry an ex-Hell’s Angel nearly half her age. Her fiancé is still five times older than anything on Cher’s face.

Metallica will make the songs on their next CD available for download to play on Guitar Hero III. The download will include also allow players to engage in interactive group therapy sessions.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s trademark mole has been removed from the actress’s face. “I no longer wanted to walk around being seen with that hideous thing,” said the mole.

Miss USA Crystle Stewart fell down during Monday’s Miss Universe contest. Stewart fell as part of the talent competition while doing her impression of the U.S. dollar.

Miss USA Crystle Stewart fell down during Monday’s Miss Universe contest. She also misspelled her first name.

A new report suggests that babies conceived from frozen embryos are just as healthy as those conceived naturally. Except for the freezer burn.

A new report suggests that babies conceived from frozen embryos are just as healthy as those conceived naturally. They also come in an assortment of fruity flavors.

Last month, the 38th annual Gay Pride Parade was held in San Francisco. And, girl, she does not look a day over 25.

Last month, the 38th annual Gay Pride Parade was held in San Francisco. Residents celebrated by dancing in the streets, dressing outrageously, and otherwise behaving as they do every other day.

According to a new study, men who eat too many fatty foods can have hurt their sperm production. The decrease often goes unnoticed, as none of the overweight men has seen their penises in years.

According to a new study, men who eat too many fatty foods can hurt their sperm production. Nutritionists recommend that overweight men switch to fresh fruit while surfing internet porn.

The nation’s DNA tracking system faces a huge backlog that could take years to clear, leaving crimes unsolved and offenders free in society. The cause of the backlog: the massive workload of paternity tests from The Maury Povich Show.

The World Heritage List has added eight new natural wonders. The list includes the Joggins Fossil Cliffs, the Lagoons of New Caledonia, and Jessica Alba’s career.

An epidemic of cancer is forcing Tasmanian devils to breed earlier. The efforts are proving unsuccessful since the Tasmanian devils want only to breed with rabbits dressed in drag.

Bangkok, Thailand was voted the world’s best city in a poll conducted by Travel + Leisure magazine, trumping last year’s winner, Florence, Italy. Bangkok’s victory was attributed to the fact that most readers of Travel + Leisure magazine are pedophiles.

Bangkok, Thailand was voted the world’s best city in a poll conducted by Travel + Leisure magazine, trumping last year’s winner, Florence, Italy. In an effort to win back the title, Florence has launched an intensive campaign to teach all women in the city how to shoot ping-pong balls out of their vaginas.

Bangkok, Thailand was voted the world’s best city in a poll conducted by Travel + Leisure magazine, trumping last year’s winner, Florence, Italy. Bangkok’s victory was attributed to the fact the only reader of Travel + Leisure magazine is Murray Head.

Bangkok, Thailand was voted the world’s best city in a poll conducted by Travel + Leisure. Bangkok was also voted the best city in a poll conducted by Pedophile Weekly.

Bangkok, Thailand was voted the world’s best city in a poll conducted by the magazine Travel + Leisure. Bangkok residents praised the magazine, saying for once it’s nice that someone gave them a “happy ending.”

And finally, Evelyn Keyes, the actress who played Scarlett O’Hara’s younger sister Suellen in the classic 1939 film “Gone With the Wind,” died of uterine cancer July 4 in Montecito at age 91. While fans had hoped Keyes would live to 92, frankly, she didn’t give a damn.