The following is a transcription of Jesse Jackson’s apology after the reverend was caught on a Fox News microphone saying “I want to cut (Barack Obama’s) nuts off.”
I deeply and humbly apologize to Barack Obama for my statement accusing him of talking down to the black community, and then saying that I would like to cut his nuts off. I did not realize my microphone was on the time, and did not intend to make those comments public, because it was the wrong thing to say. If I had known my microphone was on, I would not have made that comment, because it was not stated in the form of a rhyme. With that in mind, I would like to now state several different ways that I should have made the point that I would like to cut Barack Obama’s nuts off.
I want to cut off Obama’s nuts.
I want to maul off Obama’s balls.
I’m gonna act like a punk, and cut off his junk.
I think it’d be rad if I cut off his nads.
I am mad at Barack, so I’ll cut off his sac.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m gonna cut off his bag.
I will not rest, see, until I cut off his testes.
I believe now I have addressed this matter with the class and eloquence that it truly deserves. Keep hope alive.
- Matt Manser
The following is a transcription of Jesse Jackson’s apology after the reverend was caught on a Fox News microphone saying “I want to cut (Barack Obama’s) nuts off.”
I deeply and humbly apologize to Barack Obama for my statement accusing him of talking down to the black community, and then saying that I would like to cut his nuts off. I did not realize my microphone was on the time, and did not intend to make those comments public, because it was the wrong thing to say. If I had known my microphone was on, I would not have made that comment, because it was not stated in the form of a rhyme. With that in mind, I would like to now state several different ways that I should have made the point that I would like to cut Barack Obama’s nuts off.
I want to cut off Obama’s nuts.
I want to maul off Obama’s balls.
I’m gonna act like a punk, and cut off his junk.
I think it’d be rad if I cut off his nads.
I am mad at Barack, so I’ll cut off his sac.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m gonna cut off his bag.
I will not rest, see, until I cut off his testes.
I believe now I have addressed this matter with the class and eloquence that it truly deserves. Keep hope alive.
- Matt Manser
Repairing a comedy theater with a giant hole in the front caused by an errant sports utility vehicle takes a little longer than initially thought. The latest word is that iO West will be closed through July 24, which means the next Big News at iO West will be Sunday, July 27 at 9 pm. Keep checking back here for updates.
But does the lack of a non-partially-demolished venue keep the Big News writers from their stellar comic craft? Heck no! Here’s the jokes you would have heard in the Big News Report this past Sunday (plus a few on stories that broke in the days since then). (more…)
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Presumptive nominee Barack Obama apologized Tuesday for all future comments that will be made by himself, his wife Michelle, campaign staffers, Christian spiritual leaders and anyone else on the planet Earth that may be loosely connected to him by the mainstream media.
Obama believes this blanket apology will prevent potential voters from becoming too distracted by one damn thing or another during each and every news cycle between now and Election Day.
“The American people are tired of me having to say I’m sorry because so-and-so said such-and-such,” Obama said in a press statement. “People say things sometimes that other people find upsetting. It’s part of the whole Freedom of Speech deal. But I’m not a ventriloquist, alright? Somehow I keep getting blamed for this comment or that statement or whatever. So I’m just going to apologize for everything that everybody from here on out says. Is that good enough for you?”
Republican rival John McCain was quick to go on the offensive. “My friends, Senator Obama believes that preemptive apologies are the kind of change that Americans are looking for,” he wheezed at a campaign stop in front of tens of people looking to see how much bigger that thing on the side of his face has gotten. “Americans — Christian ones anyway — don’t apologize for anything, not before or after the fact. Did we apologize to the Iraqis before invading their country under false pretenses? No. Did we apologize to terror suspects before waterboarding the piss out of them? No. Did we apologize…”
McCain went on to read several dozen more scenarios prefaced with “Did we apologize…?” from the teleprompter, each as mechanically as the one previous.
-Brad Lohan
Hey kids, let’s ‘Rap’.
Many of you have finished up finals and are not the dumb kids who get stuck in summer school. In fact, some of you just finished high school and plan to attend college in the fall. Bully for you!
Now you probably are looking forward to your impending freedoms. For example, the freedom to underage drink. Well, here is some sobering news I want to share with you because I care. Not care as in a weepy parenting tell you what not to do way. Care as in a drunken ‘I love you man’ kind of way. Understand the difference or people will not accept you socially. Anyways alcohol related deaths are way up among college aged peoples and this is something that is the opposite of rad.
So as a public service message to you and yours, here are five drinking games that you should not play:
(more…)
This week, as he approached his twenty-year anniversary on the radio waves, Rush Limbaugh signed a contract for $400 million to keep him on the air until 2016. However, not many people know, but he is approaching another important twenty-year anniversary: the twenty-year anniversary for delivering the commencement speech for the class of 1989 at Cape Girardeau Central High School. Since I was there, and I have a phonographic memory, I thought I would reproduce the commencement speech here.
“Wear sunscreen.
“If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. For in the future, the light radiating from my collected wisdom and personality will be so bright as to blind most people and cause burns. I would suggest SPF 80, for my brightness will shine even during the night. Unfortunately, I’ve already melted the members of the National Honor Society today.
(more…)
Heather Locklear has sought treatment in an Arizona medical facility for depression and anxiety. Locklear became depressed and anxious when she remembered she had dated David Spade.
Representatives for The Beatles are reportedly in negotiations to bring songs from the band’s catalog to the videogames Guitar Hero and Rock Band. Unfortunately, as part of the deal, once users have nearly mastered the songs, their games will be broken during a personal visit by Yoko Ono.
Activision has begun talks to develop an all-Beatles edition of Guitar Hero. The video game is expected to be even bigger than Jesus Hero. (more…)
You think a little obstacle like an SUV crashing into iO West can thwart our noble Big News writers from their sworn duty of writing jokes about the week’s news?
Think again, bub!
Maybe we didn’t have a show this past week. And maybe we won’t be back on the iO West stage until Sunday, July 20 at 9pm (make your plans now). But just as the brave men and women of Trophy Wife rose to the occasion by finding humor in near-tragedy, so too do our courageous Big News writers forge ahead, continuing to bring down the high and haughty through the strongest weapon of all: comedy. (Disclaimer: Comedy in actuality not more powerful than bullets, bombs, knives, fists, or out-of-control SUVs.)
So here’s some of the jokes we would have told had a drunk driver not mistaken our theater’s bar for the parking garage of the Cosmo Lofts last Thursday. Look for more jokes from this past week a little later. And each week during our hiatus, check back as we post the Big News Report that we would have given from the iO West stage. If the hallway to that stage wasn’t covered with tiny shards of glass.
In fact, why not start with some jokes about a certain June 26 accident on Hollywood Boulevard….
(more…)
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With iO West closed following last Thursday’s crash of an SUV into the lobby, Big News is without its normal stage until Sunday, July 20. Lucky for us, inteprid Big News correspondent and cast member Brian Vestal, traveling through Europe, has found us an alternate venue…
