Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, September 28, 2008

Congress reached agreement over the weekend on a plan to help solve the U.S. financial crisis. So The most popular option consists of everyone packing up their things and moving to Canada.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told lawmakers on Tuesday that they will see a recession if they don’t approve President Bush’s bailout plan. Or if they just look out the window.

Following John McCain’s suspension of his campaign to work on the economic bailout plan, Sarah Palin announced that she too was suspending all campaign activities. Still no word on how anyone would be able to tell. (more…)


Seven Hundred Billion dollars. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve often dreamed about what I would do with that much money. Here’s the short list:

Buy the services of 28 thousand Alex Rodriguezes and attack the baseball world in any month but October.

As the French say, Menage a Mille.

Three words - Lamborghini Demolition Derby.

Bet it all on black.

Take 140 billion of my closest friends to Big News this Sunday at 9 pm at the IO West!

Well, until that grand day, enjoy these bonus jokes to fill your comedy wallet until the show.

In his address to the nation on Wednesday, President Bush said passage of the 700 billion bailout proposal was needed to restore confidence in the market. That and a new president.


Debate # 1

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The Situation on the Economy

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Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Bush administration will ask Congress to let the government buy seven hundred billion in mortgages in the largest financial bailout since the Great Depression. Sarah Palin commented that she doesn’t understand the bailout plan because she can’t see Wall Street from her house.

AIG, the insurance company bailed out this week by the federal government, has paid its former CEO a severance package of forty seven million dollars. As a result, AIG is now worth negative forty seven million dollars.

Barack Obama has regained his lead over John McCain in several national polls. Experts believe this is because rich people who feared Obama would raise their taxes no longer have any money. (more…)

How Black is Barack?

Many are questioning Barack Obama’s heritage and asking just how black is he? Some groups are trying to calculate his percentage of blackness based on his genealogy with wildly varying results. Our own Big News Investigative Team have been working round the clock, using proprietary scientific methods and high end computer software, and in an exclusive here on the Big News Report, we can tell you that Barack Obama is, exactly, 16.08% black:


Exactly how black is Barack?

Exactly how black is Barack?

Image courtesy of Suzanne Carter-Jackson

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, September 14, 2008

President Bush observed a moment of silence on Thursday in honor of the victims of the September 11th attacks. He observed another moment of silence when reporters asked him why he hadn’t caught Osama bin Laden.

Sarah Palin’s nomination as the Republican vice presidential candidate has sparked a marketing frenzy, from baby bibs to thong underwear. In response, Joe Biden announced that he would be releasing the Joe Biden pillow, which would really come in handy when his speeches put you to sleep.

On Friday John McCain visited both “The View” and “The Rachael Ray Show,” as part of his strategy to attract women voters. McCain will continue these efforts next week when he appears on “Grey’s Anatomy” as a cadaver. (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, September 7, 2008

Sarah Palin revealed on Monday that her seventeen-year-old daughter Bristol is expecting a baby. The child will be named That Dumb Redneck Hockey Player, Jr.

John McCain’s campaign is denying reports that Sarah Palin was once a part of the Alaskan Independence Party. However, McCain did admit that he once belonged to the Boston Tea Party.

While mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, Sarah Palin wound up three times on John McCain’s “pork list” for earmarking objectionable Congressional spending. Governor Palin also wound up on Bill Clinton’s “pork list,” but for completely different reasons. (more…)

Big News at National Lampoon

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It was worth the wait. Big News musical favorite “My Country” was filmed at for National Lampoon’s new Lemmings series a while back, and we’re pretty pleased with the results. Directed by Jay Leggett and starring Michael Hughes, Gregg Lopez and Phillip Wilburn, this video answers the age-old question: Why are right-wing bloggers better patriots than you or me?