Big News Episode 280: \"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes\"
Since Jimmy Dore is returning as our special guest this Sunday night, November 2, we thought it was appropriate to post the last episode he guested in. So enjoy this, and stop by iO West this Sunday at 9 for our Pre-Election Day show!
And you can now subscribe to the Big News Podcast! We offer a few different options: iTunes, Miro, normal feed, and Revver. Go here to subscribe!
In this installment: (more…)
The Iraqi government reported this week that it is having problems spending its $79 billion oil profit surplus. Democrats urged President Bush to force Iraqi payment of war costs, while Republicans suggested blowing it all on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe.
Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan told Congress on Thursday he is shocked at the breakdown in U.S. credit markets. Greenspan expressed his shock by speaking in a dull monotone and making no facial expressions.
The New York Times on Friday announced its endorsement of Senator Barack Obama. In a related story, the Weekly World News has once again endorsed Batboy.
Rednecks for Obama. The newest craze sweeping the Midwest. While this isn’t expected to give Jeff Foxworthy six more years of material (because one of the rednecks shot the groundhog when he came out to view the sign) it does lend itself to a few Foxworthy style jokes.
If you have a working TV on top of your broken TV. . . .and MSNBC is on, you might be a redneck for Obama.
If you ever brought your fishin’ pole into Sea World. . . and then returned the fish to the ocean, you might be a redneck for Obama.
If you love the Dukes of Hazzard, but are conflicted about their use of the confederate flag, you might just be a redneck for Obama.
If your life’s ambition is to kill more bucks than Bill Moyers, you might be a redneck for Obama.
If you have fifteen cars in your front yard, but they’re all hybrids, you may be a redneck for Obama.
If you plan to go see Big News Sunday night at 9 pm at the IOWest hoping they skewer John McCain (and leave that nice Barack Obama alone), but wish they didn’t have high-fallutin’ beers like PBR on tap, you may be a redneck for Obama.
If you like to read bonus jokes about chewing tobacco, but wish more jokes were recycled, you may be a redneck for Obama.
John McCain said Thursday that the real winner of this week’s presidential debate was Joe the Plumber. New polls confirmed this opinion by projecting that Joe the Plumber will get fifty-three more electoral votes than McCain.
Joe Biden said Monday that John McCain might regret attacking Barack Obama on issues like race and terrorism for the rest of his life. McCain replied that he could easily live with the regret for those two or three weeks.
Dick Cheney was treated on Wednesday for an abnormal heartbeat. To avoid further cardiac problems, doctors advised Cheney to stop trying to steal Christmas from Whoville while his heart is two sizes too small.
Thank goodness for Joe the Plumber. Not only did he bring life to the McCain/Obama debate, the McCain campaign and plumbers everywhere, he also brought attention to the lesser known Joes of the world, the ones beyond Joe Biden, Joe Six-Pack, Joe Lieberman and Jo from “Facts of Life”. People like….
Joe Cancer - has cancer on every organ and part of his body, including a pair of unused ovaries.
Joe Virgin Birth - constantly looking for his father and wondering who he might be, but never finding him.
Joe Renaissance Faire - loves mead and feisty wenches, also known as Todd Palin.
Joe Big News - loves to go to Big News at the IO West on Sundays at 9 pm and loves to read bonus jokes!
In an interview with Katie Couric, Sam Wurzelbacher, or Joe the Plumber, commented that Barack Obama tap dances around almost as good as Sammy Davis Jr. Joe knows, because he drinks almost as much as Dean Martin.
College football has been full of surprises this year including various major upsets in the top 25 rankings. This past Thursday proved no different as the unranked Horned Frogs of TCU rolled over the 9th ranked Cougars of BYU by a score of 32-7. As a result of the catastrophic loss, BYU lost their shot at a BCS bowl, but gained the realization that Mormonism will never compare to the attractiveness of mainstream Christianity.
After the game, the Cougars were shocked. “This game was our Holy War” said BYU defensive tackle Tobias Williams. “This was our chance to prove that Mormons are just as normal as other people. Apparently we were wrong.” The Cougars experienced 4 turnovers in the game–five if you include the turnover of beliefs immediately afterward. Three of the turnovers were created by BYU quarterback Max Hall, who threw two interceptions and lost one fumble. He was also sacked six times in the game, causing him to completely soil his Holy undergarments.
After the embarrassing loss and religious transformation, BYU Head Coach Bronco Mendenhall added that the team will have to make plenty of adjustments. “As a team we obviously have to reduce the number of turnovers we make or we’ll never win. We now also have to reduce the number of wives we take or we’ll live in sin.”
BYU running back Harvey Unga was disappointed but felt somewhat optimistic about the rest of the Cougars’ season. “At least our touchdown celebrations will be much easier now. I no longer have to thank God AND Joseph Smith.” Joseph Smith, more widely known as “Joe the Mormon” is considered the founder of the Latter-Day Saint Movement. Smith authored the Book of Mormon in the year 1830 from some magical golden plates or something.
The standout performance in the game was that of the TCU offense, who looked like they were on a mission. Unfortunately for BYU, their star linebacker was also on a Mission—in Yugoslavia. TCU quarterback Andy Dalton was ecstatic after the win. “I just felt the hand of Jesus guiding my passes all night long. Everything seemed to be clickin’ for us. I’m so proud to be a Horned Frog and a Texan and a Christian. Yee-haw.”
TCU was 11 of 16 converting on third downs, and an astonishing 55 of 55 in converting their opponent’s faith. This win placed a handful of TCU players on the radar of scouts for the NFL and the Catholic Archdiocese. The NCAA also plans to adjust its scheduling next year so that TCU will matchup against various Muslim schools in the Middle East.
A report issued Friday by the Alaska Legislature found that Sarah Palin abused her power as governor by trying to have her former brother-in-law fired as a state trooper. The report also found that male Republicans abuse their power while fantasizing about Sarah Palin.
The global financial crisis has led Iceland to the brink of bankruptcy. When the economy of Iceland does die, Bjork plans to wear it to an awards ceremony.
The economic crisis has caused a major increase in the number of homeless people in Massachusetts. The transition should be easy, however, as most people in Massachusetts are already alcoholics. (more…)