Watch Big News Episode 298: “Recession Proof”

It was the week the government officially declared the US to be in a recession - but there’s no shortage of laughs in episode 298 of Big News!

In this episode:

- Rosie O’Donnell bursts into Barack Obama’s national security press conference!
- New Line Cinema announces the sequel to “Four Christmases!”
- Chris Matthews interviews the top candidate for Senate from Pennsylvania in 2010 - Chris Matthews!
- Three congresswomen try to find an auto company worthy of their $25 billion bailout!
- Barbara Walters brings us some super-revealing Nixon tapes!
- Hillary Clinton takes control of an international crisis on January 21, 2009!
- A pirate reveals his not-so-terrifying background!
- A desperate jobseeker interviews at Wal-Mart!
- Two detectives investigate a crime against Jennifer Hudson - but not the one that made the headlines!
- Bill Clinton celebrates Christmas…in song!
- Plus the comedy of Paul Malewitz!
- And Danny Ricker and Adam Fisher tell us about…baby danger!

And you can now subscribe to the Big News Podcast! We offer a few different options: iTunes, Miro, normal feed, and Revver. Go here to subscribe!

BIG NEWS EPISODE 298 - “Recession Proof”

Starring Christopher Biewer, Kipleigh Brown, George Caleodis, Sean Cowhig, Jimmy Guidish, Jason Kelley, Gregg Lopez, Melissa Okey, Artemis Pebdani, Tammie Smalls and Phillip Wilburn

Directed by Michael Hughes (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, December 28, 2008

Caroline Kennedy said Friday that she would have to work twice as hard as others if she is selected to be a U.S. Senator. The extra work will go towards not being murdered.

Nuclear powers India and Pakistan moved closer to war, as tensions rose in the region. The situation began to worsen the more Pakistan got dropped from tech support.

On Tuesday, a massive water main break in Bethesda, Maryland flooded the streets and stranded several motorists. In response, President Bush said FEMA would look into the problem on the 20th of January. (more…)

BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2008 - BONUS JOKES!

On the twelfth day after Boxing Day, my true love gave to me…

Twelve hours of uninterrupted online porn viewing,

Eleven self-help books to combat porn addiction,

Ten top ten lists of 2008,

Nine bottles of rum for frozen daiquiris since we both like girly drinks,

Eight days of hangovers, 

A pass to see “Seven Pounds”  (since I have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”),

Six hours wasted after seeing “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” twice (since I still have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”),

Five soft tacos,

A pass to see “Four Christmases” (since I still have to pay her back for renting “The Love Guru”, please, please, forgive me for that one),

Three weeks of bonus jokes,

Two billion in bailout funds,

and one pass to see a great Big News show, 9pm Sunday night at the IOwest.

International Orgasm Day, a mega-orgy sex-fest in Tel Aviv, Israel was cancelled this week after the owner of the venue hosting the event caved in to threats and public pressure. Flyers and text messages had to be sent out to thousands of registered participants telling them not to come. (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush began his trial Wednesday on charges of attacking a head of state. When asked to predict the outcome, the judge in the case said a guilty verdict is a virtual shoo-in.

Time magazine has named Barack Obama its “Person of the Year.” Hillary Clinton responded that the year is not yet over so she still has a chance.

Las Vegas was hit by a winter storm this week that broke a thirty-year record for snowfall. As a result, the city will change its slogan to “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas Because All the Roads and Airports are Closed and You’re Stuck Here.” (more…)

Shoe Sniper: Condition Dubya

Now, through the miracle of virtual reality, the power of the internets, and a complete lack of respect for authority, you can become Time’s Man of the Year*, Muntadhar al-Zeidi, the infamous Iraqi Shoe Thrower, hero to millions and soon to be host of Fox TV’s American Infidol**. Take off your shoes and pledge allegiance to the frag. You have a mission, go forth and fling. Failure is not an option.

Shoe Sniper

*Not really but I bet they wish they could

**Just take anything with an asterisk next to it as a complete lie

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, December 14, 2008

The proposed bailout of the American auto industry broke down Thursday night after Senate Republicans blocked its passage. Making matters worse, the bailout broke down right after its warranty had expired.

The bailout plan rejected by the Senate would have had the car industry overseen by a government appointed “car czar.” The position would have been more appealing than the comparable job for the bailout of the financial industry: the bank skank.

In a lunch with GOP Senators on Wednesday, Dick Cheney proclaimed that if aid to the auto industry was rejected it would be Herbert Hoover time. At that same lunch, President Bush proclaimed that it was Peanut Butter Jelly time.
(more…)

Watch Big News Episode 297: “Don’t Forget the Motor City”

Our friend Nick Armstrong - who you can catch in great shows at iO West like The Friday 40, Cog and iO All Stars - guest stars in our pre-Thanksgiving episode!

In this episode:

- George Bush pardons a “turkey” from Alaska for Thanksgiving!
- Congressional leaders take the bailout for a spin!
- Jack in the Box gets some new spokespeople!
- Joe Biden learns some things about dual personalities from Christian Slater!
- The UAW expresses their discontent - in song!
- Antonio Villaraigosa meets his match in a firefighter!
- Vladimir Putin reveals some hidden talents!
- A sleepover turns into a faceoff between Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron!
- Jackson Browne strikes back against John McCain - in song!
- And Kevin Federline gets ready for Thanksgiving!
- Plus the comedy of Rob Delaney!
- And Jeff Goldblum expounds on genetic breakthroughs!

And you can now subscribe to the Big News Podcast! We offer a few different options: iTunes, Miro, normal feed, and Revver. Go here to subscribe!

BIG NEWS EPISODE 297 - “Don’t Forget the Motor City”

Starring Nick Armstrong, Sean Cowhig, Bailee Desrocher, Neil Garguilo, Jimmy Guidish Gregg Lopez, Melissa Okey, Artemis Pebdani, Brian Vestal and Phillip Wilburn

Directed by Michael Hughes (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, December 7, 2008

Former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, who resigned earlier in the year for soliciting a prostitute, will write a column for Slate.com about how to stimulate the economy. Spitzer says the economy can be stimulated by placing it inside a hooker’s mouth.

President and First Lady Bush have purchased a new home in Dallas. This marks the first time in 2008 that someone has actually bought a house.

Elected officials in the U.S. scored only 44% on a test measuring their knowledge of American history, civics, and economics. However, the score rises to 85% once you factor out the answers given by Sarah Palin.

BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2008 - BONUS JOKES!

The confirmation came this week that everyone was expecting. The United States is in a recession. Finally, there is a way to explain job losses, bankruptcies, problems paying mortgages and a general lack of personal yachts.

However, a recession means that there are some very nice bargains to be had in the stock market. Here are some tips for you, the individual investor, so that you can find the stock bargains and make some money in these turbulent times.

Look for the sales of velcro coin pouches to go through the roof. These are a great way to carry walking around money and a perfect way for strippers to gather their smaller tips.

After the government cutbacks that are sure to come after the many bailouts, I have three words for you: free-market cheese.

Recession may even hit the entertainment industry, so look to invest in cheap entertainment alternatives. If you can find a group of people who have not had any interaction with celebrities, had their jobs profiled or jumped/danced/juggled/sang/ate in front of a panel of judges, buy futures of their earnings immediately. Think Mennonite accountants, professional Parcheesi players, a flock of super intelligent sparrows or Bradley VonHorcken of Paducah, Kentucky.

But, the best way to invest your time and money is to go to Big News every Sunday night at 9 pm at the IO West. How many other entertainment entities give you an entire show and then throw in these bonus jokes? That’s what I thought. 

AT&T announced this week they are cutting 12,000 jobs over the next year. The cuts are not expected to affect American workers because all of AT&T’s employees live in India. (more…)