Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, January 25, 2009

On Tuesday, two million people packed Washington DC as Barack Obama became the forty-fourth President of the United States. As it turns out, the two million people were not there to watch the inauguration, but were in line to apply for three open positions at a Home Depot.

Outgoing president George Bush left a note in the Oval Office for Barack Obama labeled “44.” He also left a note for Thomas Jefferson labeled “question mark.”

Despite the tough economy, staffers in the outgoing Bush administration have already lined up new employment, including one former employee of the Treasury Department who lined up work as a manager at Abercrombie & Fitch. While he has to stand with his shirt off all day, it’s still way less humiliating than working for George W. Bush.
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BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 2009 - BONUS JOKES!

Foolish humans!

I come from the Big News of the future and I’m here to tell you all of your dreams of technological advances are foolish! Foolish!

Phasers? Bah. Rocket packs? Silly billies. Light sabers? Only if you’re fighting a particularly nasty vole.

We have inventions that are so much more than your puny imaginations could ever dream of creating. For example, we now have burritos with cheese, beans, caviar, lobster and a touch of saffron for only 49 cents on the Taco Bell value menu.

Don’t get me started on robots. All they ever did in your time was try to take over the world, transform into cars and maybe have sex with lonely billionaires. Now, we have robot squirrels that battle robot acorns in parks around the world!

Blaster pistols? More like crapper pistols. Warp drive? Sure, why don’t you just take the bus, loser. Travel to Mars? Go ahead, if you like scabies.

Just the other day I went to Alpha Centauri-5 just to visit for the day. They have an unbelievable place for sushi. If you live long enough or master time and space foolish twenty-first century mortals, I’d suggest going. It’s in a little strip mall at the corner of Park and 6th. 

When I got home, I went to see Big News at the IO on Io at 9 pm Sunday. (That’s one thing you foolish humans got right.) I laughed so much when they skewered President George H.W. Bush the Twenty-Seventh. Comedy gold!

The Obama administration was stunned to discover a White House full of antiquated computers and low technology. Several staffers were reportedly so frustrated that they left for the day on their light cycles.

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George Bush Didn’t Start the Fire!!

George Bush may no longer be president…but that doesn’t mean he can’t look back on his eight years…in song!

Bush Farewell Address: Didn’t Start It - watch more funny videos

Written by Michael Hughes and Phillip Wilburn…and Billy Joel
Directed by and Starring Phillip Wilburn

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, January 18, 2009

A US Airways plane crashed into the Hudson River on Thursday after striking a flock of geese that disabled two engines. Remarkably, all the passengers survived the crash, but sustained severe trauma after being exposed to New Jersey.

President Bush gave a farewell speech to the nation Thursday night where he listed all his administration’s accomplishments. The speech lasted eight seconds.

Circuit City will close all of its stores following a bankruptcy filing. Employees say the company could have been saved if only it had purchased the extended warranty.

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BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, JANUARY 18, 2009 - BONUS JOKES!

NEW YORK (BN) – A gaggle of Canadian Geese were saddened last week when Michael J. Goose, just released back in the wild after an extended hospital stay, lost control in midair and flew into a plane’s engine, passing away at the age of four.

Michael was described by his gaggle mates as “a little clumsy” and “prone to accidents.”

This was the fifth time Michael had been released from the Animal Rehabilitation Center of Staten Island, NY.

“That goose always seemed to just find ways to get into trouble,” said Dr. Donald Brant. “I remember one time, a hunter had run out of bullets, but Michael still flew a little to close and got batted out of the air by the irate hunter. It took us four weeks to stitch him up after that stunt.”

Michael also ran into power lines, sliding glass windows, gas trucks, sleeping eagles, barns, tall pines, and once, a perturbed elk.

“Michael was such a bright goose, I think he was always thinking of ways to make our lives better instead of just flying,” said Carrie-Anne Goose. “I remember one time, he had this idea that we should just stay in Texas all year long instead of going back where it is cold. Then he flew into the Goodyear Blimp.”

“The thing I’ll miss about him the most is the expression on his face every time he hit the left upright,” said Gordie Goose.

“Everytime we flew over Hollywood, he would always run into the side of the IOWest, where they have Big News every Sunday night at 9 pm,” said Catherine O’Goose. “Then he’d dust himself off, get back in the air, careen off Lindsay Lohan and get stuck between Paris Hilton’s legs. I don’t know how we ever got him out of there, since it is like a black hole where no light or goose can escape.”

In lieu of flowers or grain, members of the flock are recommending a donation be made to PETA for the creation of the phrase “air kitten.”

A US Airways plane was forced to crash-land in the icy waters of New York’s Hudson River after hitting a flock of geese.  Luckily, the passengers had plenty of time to evacuate, because the plane was held afloat by all the mafia corpses that were already in the river. (more…)

BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, JANUARY 11, 2009 - BONUS JOKES!

“Captain’s log, stardate 86037.9. We’re still in the Milky Way.” 

“Dammit Jim, would you stop talking to that damn log.”

“Captain.”

“Yes, Spock.”

“You said that games help to pass the time. Would you like to go down to the holodeck for another game of Andorian foosball?”

“No, Spock.”

“Dammit Jim, would you just play Spock some foosball?”

“Shut up Bones.”

“McCoy’s right Captain. You’re bound to win sooner or later. Maybe some  Saurian Brandy would help.”

“Scotty, that’s your answer to everything.”

“It’s all I got Captain.”

“Dammit Jim, just drink with the man. It can’t hurt.”

“Doctor, that is, illogical.”

“Scotty, can you get the viewscreen online so that we can watch old episodes of the show ‘Big News’ on the main viewer.”

“Captain, it will take at least seven hours.”

“Captain’s log, stardate 86038.3. We’re still in the Milky Way.”

Scientists have concluded that the Milky Way is actually much larger and heavier than they originally thought. Oprah Winfrey said she knows how the Milky Way feels. 

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Couric/Palin

From the makers of FROST/NIXON, comes COURIC/PALIN.

Couric / Palin - watch more funny videos

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, January 11, 2009

President Bush has designated nearly 200,000 square miles of the Pacific Ocean as a protected region. Bush said he wants the area protected from all sea life while the U.S. drills it for oil.

Vice-President Dick Cheney told a CBS Radio reporter on Wednesday that his image has gotten a bad rap in the press and that he is in fact “a warm, lovable sort.” Cheney then warmly and lovingly shot the reporter in the face.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs said Monday that a hormone imbalance is to blame for the weight loss that has prompted concerns about his health. Jobs addd that his weight loss had made him so sleek, stylish and portable, that from now on he would be called the “i-Jobs Nano.”

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BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, JANUARY 4, 2009 - BONUS JOKES!

WASHINGTON (AP) - Washington Republicans are planning extensive lavish vacations around the world in order to thumb their noses at people without jobs and money and celebrate the financial bailout.

“Roulette wheels, here we come!” said former adviser to Mitt Romney, Spanky McFetters. “I’m betting it all on green. Because green is the color of sweet, sweet, bailout money.”

“I can’t believe more people aren’t smart enough to get some of this bailout money,” said a Bush administration official nicknamed “Corn Dog” who was planning a sailboat tour around the world. “Well, yes I can. You have to be intelligent to have at least a vice-presidential position in a financial firm, then run it into the ground and become eligible for bailout money. It’s only a few people that are that smart.”

While some Republicans are going for the tried and true method of celebrating wealth by lighting cigars with one-hundred dollar bills, others used this time to give the people of the United States a lesson on economics.

“Stop complaining and pull yourself up by your goddamn boot straps,” said Paul Wockenfuss, former Treasury department employee. “Get a job. Once you get a job, you’ll get paid. Once you are paid, you can buy food and trips to Tahiti. Simple. Idiot.”

Democrats are accusing Republicans of planning these vacations to avoid the inauguration of president-elect Barack Obama. Republicans poo-poo this idea, saying they like a good party, but that they need to start traveling quickly before the Democratic administration takes office.

“I don’t want the government to tax and take away my fun money before I have a chance to use it,” said Peter Fox, a Republican lobbyist. “Now if you excuse me, I have a private jet full of hookers and blow and Washington is not getting any warmer.”

Washington Democrats are ashamed of their Republican counterparts and how they are treating the citizens of the United States. To show their displeasure, Democrats came up with a bailout plan of their own. The bailout included this group of bonus jokes to lighten the hearts of their constituents and then gave one hundred thousand dollars to the guy on the street that asks you for seventy-five cents every time you walk by him on your way to see Big News at the IOWest, because he asked for it first. 

Many Republicans in Washington announced they will be taking a vacation and leaving the city during Barack Obama’s inauguration. Republicans say this is so they can avoid the crowds, and because they don’t work there anymore and have to leave anyway. (more…)

The Problem With Barack Obama

As we get closer to the historic inauguration of the 44th president of the United States, Barack Obama, many people are excited.  Obama has been a galvanizing force through his impressive public speaking ability, and he has united Americans on both sides of the aisle with his message of hope.  As the first African-American president, Obama’s election is a symbol of progress and the opportunity that America provides.  But there is one overwhelming problem with Barack Obama that has gone unreported for too long.

His birthday is August 4.

Even if Barack Obama did very little as president, the fact that he is the first African-American president is important and his birthday would definitely warrant a day off of school.  However, for the vast majority of the country, August 4 would not fit into the normal school year.  It’s even after most Summer School sessions.  Not to get all philosophical on you, but you can’t have a day off of school if there is not a day off to be had.

If I were in school right now, I’d be pissed.  There are so few days off as it is, and we had a golden opportunity here.  And how are we supposed to truly recognize this historic achievement unless kids can stay home from school?  That’s how we recognize the accomplishments of Martin Luther King, the Presidents, and Labor.  We can’t honor Obama unless kids can watch cartoons, catch up on homework, and sneak into R-rated matinees.

The easiest solution would be to use Obama’s half-birthday, which would be February 4.  But this is fraught with problems.  First, half-birthdays are stupid.  Any kid who had a half-birthday in school was a total joke.  What, are we trying to upstage the kids who have real birthdays in December, January, and February?  It dilutes the sanctity of birthdays.  Pretty soon, we’re celebrating every three months and every kid in the 3rd grade is fat on cake.  Thanks half-birthdays!

The other issue with the half-birthday is we already have a glut of holidays around that time.  MLK day, Washington’s Birthday, Lincoln’s Birthday, President’s Day, not to mention Valentine’s Day which isn’t a day off but it probably should be because you’re just passing valentines around and wondering who sent you the candy hearts that say “Wanna Bone?”  It would get lost in the mix.  And it’s an opportunity for the crotchety superintendant to deny the holiday not because of his overt racism but because of the abundance of days off (but really because of his overt racism).

So, the most logical solution would be for Obama to travel back in time and change his birthday to maybe early October or maybe late April.  Or we could just celebrate it on Valentine’s Day because he is pretty dreamy.  But I think it’s easier for Obama to just travel through time and space.

After all, with Obama anything is possible.

-TR