BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 2009 - BONUS JOKES!

Foolish humans!

I come from the Big News of the future and I’m here to tell you all of your dreams of technological advances are foolish! Foolish!

Phasers? Bah. Rocket packs? Silly billies. Light sabers? Only if you’re fighting a particularly nasty vole.

We have inventions that are so much more than your puny imaginations could ever dream of creating. For example, we now have burritos with cheese, beans, caviar, lobster and a touch of saffron for only 49 cents on the Taco Bell value menu.

Don’t get me started on robots. All they ever did in your time was try to take over the world, transform into cars and maybe have sex with lonely billionaires. Now, we have robot squirrels that battle robot acorns in parks around the world!

Blaster pistols? More like crapper pistols. Warp drive? Sure, why don’t you just take the bus, loser. Travel to Mars? Go ahead, if you like scabies.

Just the other day I went to Alpha Centauri-5 just to visit for the day. They have an unbelievable place for sushi. If you live long enough or master time and space foolish twenty-first century mortals, I’d suggest going. It’s in a little strip mall at the corner of Park and 6th. 

When I got home, I went to see Big News at the IO on Io at 9 pm Sunday. (That’s one thing you foolish humans got right.) I laughed so much when they skewered President George H.W. Bush the Twenty-Seventh. Comedy gold!

The Obama administration was stunned to discover a White House full of antiquated computers and low technology. Several staffers were reportedly so frustrated that they left for the day on their light cycles.

The Obama administration was stunned to discover a White House full of antiquated computers and low technology, stating “it was like going from an XBox to an Atari.” Obama was most surprised that George Bush’s “laptop computer” was actually a White House postcard taped to a Speak N Spell.

After a minor misstep by Chief Justice John Roberts on Tuesday, Barack Obama was sworn in again on Wednesday out of ‘an abundance of caution’. Officials also made sure that Obama was not crossing any fingers behind his back.

Outgoing president George W. Bush left a note for Obama labeled 44. The interior of the note read, “Look how high I just counted!”

Outgoing president George W. Bush left a note for Obama labeled 44. Bush left the note with cookies and glass of milk, hoping he really gets a new bike this year.

Senator Ted Kennedy suffered a seizure and collapsed during the Inaugural Luncheon on Tuesday. Doctors are not yet ruling out the possibility of a second seizure on the grassy knoll.

Caroline Kennedy this week dropped out of the running for Hillary Clinton’s vacated senate seat citing personal reasons.  While a replacement hasn’t been found yet former president Bill Clinton insists he still has no interest in Hillary’s seat.

Caroline Kennedy dropped out of the running for an appointment to Hillary Clinton’s vacated Senate seat sighting family matters. Namely that she’s a Kennedy and doesn’t need a job.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney attended the Inauguration this week after injuring his back while moving boxes. The boxes were filled with 7,000 pounds of shredded documents and Scooter Libby.

Obama instituted a salary freeze for all White House employees making more than $100,000 a year, saying that if families are tightening their belts than the government should too. Obama also announced that all White House toilet paper will be downgraded from two ply to one ply.

President Obama signed an order on Thursday to close the Guantanamo Bay detention center within a year. Upon hearing the news, executives at Guantanamo Bay asked for a bailout.

The chief operating officer of GM said that without the next $5.4 billion of federal assistance, the company will run out of cash long before March 31st. The company just needs to last until April 10th, when it will introduce its Chevrolet Super-Hybird expected to get 5000 miles to the gallon and retail for $5.4 billion.

Italian carmaker Fiat has struck an alliance agreement with Chrysler. The deal gives Fiat a 35% stake in the U.S. automaker, and it gives Chrysler an extra three months before it completely goes out of business.

Earlier in the week, in an effort to downplay global warming fears, an Alaskan artist unveiled a five ton ice sculpture of a shivering Al Gore. A confused Tipper Gore has been standing next to the sculpture for three days asking it to “come home already”.

In a criticism of global warming theories, in Fairbanks, Alaska an ice statue was created of a shivering Al Gore. Meanwhile, in a criticism of American foreign and domestic policies, in Boston, Massachusetts a statue was created of an intelligent George W. Bush.

Doctors say they have captured the first ever image of a bleeding heart. However, further review showed that the image was actually John Kerry.

Many animal lovers are calling for the rescue of a group of dolphins who are stranded in the frigid waters of a New Jersey river. The animal lovers say it’s inhumane to leave the dolphins anywhere in New Jersey.

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation donated 255 million dollars to assist in the fight to eradicate polio.  It is not yet clear as to how much, if anything, will ever be donated to eradicate the viruses that frequently affect Microsoft Windows.

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has donated 255 million dollars to help eradicate polio. The three people currently afflicted with polio are very grateful.

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation donated 255 million dollars to assist in the fight to eradicate polio. Gates said he was willing to donate an extra few billion if scientists could also eradicate Google.

A Canadian company will pay the United States over $1 million to resolve allegations it violated federal law by selling a defective material used in bulletproof vests worn by American law enforcement officers. The company apologized and said they actually had no idea what a bullet was.

Pope Benedict XVI says social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace can foster friendships and understanding, but warns they also can isolate people and marginalize others. The Pope then corrected himself and said it only applies to MySpace since nobody’s on there anymore.

Pope Benedict XVI and the Vatican launched their own YouTube channel, to stay current and broaden appeal online. However, authorities fear a misunderstanding if they post a video of Christian symbols entitled “2 Cups, one Grail.”

In Iowa, avid reader Shelly Koontz was arrested on Thursday for theft when she failed to return an overdue library book. The tip for her location came from a group of meth lab workers, who were left free to go about their business while the police were busy hunting down Ms. Koontz.

Taking over the 0-16 Detroit Lions, head coach Jim Schwartz hired a new offensive coordinator, Scott Linehan, who was fired as the 2008 Rams head coach after losing their first four games. Linehan will make sure that all Lions players will receive a medal and a hug at the end of each game, just for participating.

Katie Couric will anchor a one-time-only primetime edition of “The Evening News” on CBS next Wednesday at 8. Spoiler alert: at the end of the program, it will be revealed that in fact it was all a stunt for an episode of NBC’s Howie Do It.

On Wednesday, Jessica Alba received a worst actress Razzie nomination for her work in “The Love Guru”. The nomination came as a shock to moviegoers, who had no idea Alba was an actress.

On Thursday, Meryl Streep got an Oscar nomination for best actress for the movie “Doubt”. Voters nominated Streep when they found out she was in a movie.

As a result of refusing a Breathalyzer test last July when he was pulled over for a DUI, Shia LaBeouf has lost his license to drive. Unfortunately, LaBeouf still has his license to act.

And finally, Robert Decareau, who invented processes used to create the microwave oven, has died at age 82. According to his autopsy, his death was an uneven process–parts of him had died long ago while other parts were still very much alive.

Robert Decareau, who invented processes used to create the microwave oven, has died at age 82. Decareau will be cremated… on high for about 2 minutes.

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