BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2009 - BONUS JOKES!

CHICAGO (BN) - The rightful owner of the bones of Leo Johnson are once again under dispute.

Since 2423, the heirs of Johnson have been in many different courts of law with the Walt Disney Field Museum of Chicago over the remains currently on display in the “Early 21st Century America brought to you by Snow White” exhibit. Now, in a new case before the 489th Circuit Court of Waukegan, the Johnson family finally hopes for justice.

“I just want to return my great, great, great, great, great, great,” said family spokesperson Farfale Johnson, “Great, great, great, great, great, great….

“Great, great, great, great, great-grandfather’s bones into their rightful burial place in the Howard and Sons Great Nevada Bone Repository. I want him to join all the other Johnsons in section 4789856A-Q.”

While their demands have been rejected by the other 488 courts in Waukegan, Farfale still has hope that this time, the family will win. 

Meanwhile, the Field Museum still holds to the fact that the bones of Johnson remain an integral part of their 21st Century exhibit.

“This is a skeleton that has so many great examples of what life was like in 2010,” said Cinderella-19, curator of the exhibit. “Look at the bones, hollowed from too much exposure to pigeons. Look at the slumped shoulders from the weight of such a harrowing economic time. On the right hand, you can see where he ate so many Doritos that it actually stained his phalanges. There’s just no way we can give it up with all of its educational value. Think of the children.

“However, there is a bright side,” added Cinderella-19, “We’re looking forward to adding all of these court cases to the Sneezy and Doc Hall of Litigation that explores how the legal system became the largest component of the United States of Hastings, Walker, Cole and Tisdale economy.”

Some pundits think that the cases belong in the “Remember Comedy Wing brought to you by DuPont and Bambi’s Mother” which is famous for its exhibit on Big News and its many shows that happened at 9 pm Sundays at the IOWest in Los Angeles. However, since comedy has been banned after the Congressional Comedy Removal and Natural Gas Preservation Act of 2286, experts say it can’t be labeled as such, but must be put under the “Ripley’s Believe it or Else Captain Hook Will Kill You” exhibit.

The descendants of legendary Native American Geronimo have sued the Yale secret society Skull and Bones, claiming the Skull and Bones stole Geronimo’s remains and currently possess them. Upon returning the remains, the Skull and Bones will now be referred to as. . and. . . (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, February 22, 2009

Last week, U.N. officials announced that five tons of bombs stored in the Gaza Strip had been stolen. As a precautionary measure, from now on the U.N. will only store bombs anywhere but the Gaza Strip.

Japan’s economy is shrinking at its fastest rate in 35 years. On the bright side, the Japanese economy is collapsing faster and more efficiently than the American economy.

Kim Jong Il is campaigning in North Korea for the country’s upcoming election. According to North Korean law, Kim will remain in power just as long as he receives a minimum of zero votes.
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The Official 2009 Academy Awards Drinking Game!!

Last year we posted a little guide to getting pleasantly buzzed with the help of the Academy Award ceremony that got a little bit of traffic on the Internet. Never being ones to let done our civic duty as members of the entertainment industry community, we at Big News have undertaken this task again. Now, we have a brand-new show Oscar night, starting at 9pm at iO West. And we’ve already provided you with a handy guide to parking restrictions and street closures on Sunday. So make sure your Oscar night plans include a stop at iO West - with a full bar in case you want to play along before “Big News.” Just make sure that if you’re imbibing, you make arrangements for someone else to drive, or take public transportation.

And here we go!! (more…)

Big News Congratulates Nicholas D’Agosto on the Release of “Fired Up!”

When you come to a Big News show, you never know who you might get to see. In December 2007, a young actor probably best known for his work in “Heroes” guest starred in our cast, and did an awesome job. And this weekend, that actor is the star of a new movie opening in over 1800 theaters all over the country! A movie that’s even featured in a photo gallery in the Los Angeles Times!

So congratuations, Nicholas D’Agosto! All your friends at Big News wish you great success with the opening of “Fired Up” this weekend!

Big News Oscar Night Show!!! Hollywood Parking and Street Closure Information

Since Big News does a brand new show every Sunday night at 9, you don’t think a little award show taking place this Sunday night a mile west on Hollywood Boulevard will stop us, do you?

Of course not!

So don’t let the Oscars stop you from catching this week’s installment of Los Angeles’ longest-running news-based comedy show!

But if you’re planning on coming to the show this Sunday, you’re probably concerned about traffic, parking restrictions, street closures and other accommodations made for the Academy. So we’ve compiled a handy list of information we’ve found so you can enjoy this Sunday’s show without worrying about your car getting towed!! (more…)

BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2009 - BONUS JOKES!

In Australia, a koala needed to be rescued by firefighters. I can’t help but think, if this koala had super powers, like Kwicky Koala, he wouldn’t have needed firefighters to help. He probably would still be eating eucalyptus leaves elsewhere in the Australian Outback and trying to avoid that nasty Wilford Wolf. Well, Wilford probably would have died in the fire, but still, Kwicky would be ok.

Which led me to think, if Australia is home to all these crazy animals, poisonous snakes and spiders, wouldn’t it make sense if some of them had super powers? Just like the Loch Ness monster or Bigfoot, we wouldn’t have pictures of them, but would just hear legendary tales of their escapades.

Like Rex Platypus, stalwart defender of stream life, able to swim at the speed of light as he fights against Yabby Dabby, evil crawfish genius bent on controlling the water world. 

Devil, a Tasmanian Devil with the powers of the occult who can summon gargoyles and minor demons to fight the fight for good against Kill, the kangaroo martial arts and weapons expert, bent on controlling the outback with his arsenal of death.

Gianna, a giant goanna, who can grow to thirty times his size to fight off King Dingo, ravager of the wild and scourge of the southwest.

The Burr, a kookaburra who is a thorn in the side of malfeasants of all sizes and shapes throughout the forest.

Wallace, mild mannered wombat who enjoys going to see Big News, Sundays at 9 pm at the IOWest in Los Angeles whenever he makes it to the United States, but otherwise just reduces criminals to sacks of tears with his wombat wit and zesty zingers.

Sam the Koala, a koala pulled from wildfires by Australian firefighters, has become an overnight sensation as pictures of his rescue have swept the internet. However, his credibility was called into question when it was revealed that his name is not Sam but Joe, and he is, in fact, not a licensed koala. (more…)

Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, February 15, 2009

As part of the strategy that led to Friday’s passage by Congress of his stimulus plan, President Obama urged supporters to hold get-togethers at private homes. Unfortunately all those get-togethers were cancelled when the private homes went into foreclosure.

Republican Senator Judd Gregg of New Hampshire has withdrawn his nomination to become President Obama’s commerce secretary. Gregg withdrew because, according to tradition, that’s what you do after you are nominated by President Obama.

Stewart Parnell, the owner of the peanut butter company linked to the recent outbreak of salmonella, refused to testify at a House subcommittee hearing on Wednesday. Parnell would have testified, but his product was stuck to the roof of his mouth.
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Big News Report for the Week Ending Sunday, February 8, 2009

Michael Phelps apologized this week for smoking marijuana at a college party in November. Phelps had no apologies for his actions later that evening, when he successfully completed three breaststrokes.

On Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, which according to legend means winter will last for another six weeks. Or like every other year, until the first day of spring.

Julie and Hillary Goodridge, a lesbian couple who led the fight for gay marriage in Massachusetts, have filed for divorce. The couple cited the reason as “irreconcilable sameness.”

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BIG NEWS REPORT FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2009 - BONUS JOKES!

I like to play a game called “What if?” every now and again. Like, “What if Xenu and Xena were the same outerspace alien?” Or, “What if my big toe was on the outside of my foot?” Or, “What if instead of skateboarding, jarts had been the craze that lasted out of the 70s?”

I mean, think about it. The X-games would be so much cooler if one of the events was competitive jarts - to the pain (since sports broadcast TV is still too chicken to hold real gladiator events that go to the death. Unless you count the Baltimore Ravens training camp coverage.) 

Instead of “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater” video game, we’d have “Joe Finnegan’s Jarts vs. Alien vs. Predator - WAR!”

“Dogtown and Z-boys” and “Lords of Dogtown” would be replaced with “The Jart Lads of Ocean Park” and “Jart Warriors”. 

Instead of knee pads and goofy helmets, kids would wear jart-proof vests, made from kevlar. (Just think of the technological advances in jart proof vests that would be around today, if only there’d been thirty years of research and development. I bet you’d be safe from rocket-propelled jarts.)

Big News would still be at 9 pm on Sundays at the IOWest, either way, so that’s a wash. But, there would certainly be no one riding their jart on Hollywood Boulevard to get to the show.

And lastly, being stabbed in the leg by jart thrown by a friend is so much cooler than falling off a half-pipe. 

An Australian plans to open Afghanistan’s first skateboarding school, Skateistan, in March. Skateboarding became popular soon after the release of the hit movie, “Gleaming the Kabul.” (more…)

Racist Bleach Pen Advocates Pro-Segregation Agenda

With the election of Barack Obama, I thought that we had turned a corner in regards to race relations in America. I do not mean to say that racism has ended, but I certainly never expected to see a major corporation promoting segregation. Then I just happened to spill some tomato sauce on a white shirt that failed to come out even after pre-treating and washing the garment. That led to my unsuspecting purchase of a Clorox Bleach Pen. It was not until getting said bleach pen home and taking a closer look that I caught the fairly explicit notice on the front of the packaging.

“The Stain Remover for Whites,” eh? What’s next, Clorox, separate water fountains? Can our president not use this Bleach Pen? Here I thought we’d come so far… For shame, Clorox Bleach Pen, for shame.