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Last year we posted a little guide to getting pleasantly buzzed with the help of the Academy Award ceremony that got a little bit of traffic on the Internet. Never being ones to let done our civic duty as members of the entertainment industry community, we at Big News have undertaken this task again. Now, we have a brand-new show Oscar night, starting at 9pm at iO West. And we’ve already provided you with a handy guide to parking restrictions and street closures on Sunday. So make sure your Oscar night plans include a stop at iO West - with a full bar in case you want to play along before “Big News.” Just make sure that if you’re imbibing, you make arrangements for someone else to drive, or take public transportation.

And here we go!!

IF…Angelina Jolie wins Best Actress
THEN…Find Jennifer Aniston. Steal and drink her beer. Then drink six or seven foreign beers that other people have abandoned.

IF…Marisa Tomei wins Best Supporting Actress
THEN…drink a beer that actually belongs to someone else but that the waiter gave to you by mistake.

IF…Robert Downey Jr. wins Best Supporting Actor
THEN…drink lots and lots of beer. Do some heroin. Break into someone’s house. Pass out. Get arrested. Go to jail. Emerge bigger and better than ever. Drink another beer.

IF…Mickey Rourke wins Best Actor
THEN…drink beer. Disappear for about twenty years. Come back with your face barely recognizable. Drink beer in way that echoes events in your own life over preceding twenty years.

IF…”Slumdog Millionaire” wins Best Picture
THEN…drink beer. Before choosing next beer, phone a friend. Then survey other partygoers to see what they think you should drink. Then ask bartender to eliminate half of your possible choices of beers that you could drink. Then choose wrong beer and give up all the beers you’d already drank that evening.

IF…”Milk” wins Best Original Screenplay
THEN…drink milk.

IF…Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman win Best Original Song
THEN…Drink beer. Shock the Monkey. Have Big Fun with a Sledgehammer. Go Digging in the Dirt on Solsbury Hill. Then blare Oscar-winning song on boombox held over your head outside house of girl you’re stalking.

IF…”The Reader” wins Best Picture
THEN…Drink with underage boy

IF…“Spielzeugland” wins Best Live Action Short
THEN…get hammered, because the greatest travesty in Oscar history has just occurred. “Spielzeugland” over “Auf der Strecke?!!!!” Seriously?!!!!!

IF…Heath Ledger wins Best Supporting Actor
THEN…whatever you do, DO NOT DRINK WITH MARY-KATE OLSEN!!!!

IF…Ron Howard wins Best Director
THEN…drink to forget the fact that no matter how many Oscars you win, you’ll never be as cool as Fonzie.

IF…Meryl Streep wins Best Actress
THEN…drink. Drink some more. Have sex with three different guys. Get pregnant without knowing which one is the father. Let thirty years pass until your daughter is twenty. Have her invite all three to her wedding and figure out which one is her father. Sing Abba songs. Make over half a billion dollars and become the highest-grossing film ever in the UK with this crap.

IF…M.I.A. wins Best Original Song
THEN…fly like paper, get high like planes

IF…”The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” wins Best Picture
THEN…Drink exactly the way you did when “Forrest Gump” won Best Picture in 1995.