Top Story Weekly

Big News is great every week - but don’t miss the extra special show we’ve got on Sunday, March 29, loaded with guest stars!

Nicholas D’Agosto, the star of the hit movie “Fired Up!”, returns to Big News on March 29! Nick has guested in the show before and is awesome, so don’t miss the chance to see him do sketch comedy live on stage!

Plus, Aaron Krebs, of the renowned improv troupe Mission Improvable and one of the great teachers at iO West, also joins the cast of Big News on March 29! Don’t miss Aaron and Nick as they join the Big News cast in an all-new selection of sketches based as always on the events of the previous seven days!

So head over to iO West on Sunday, March 29 at 9 to catch Nick and Aaron in an all-new Big News!!!

A big announcement from Big News!!!

Starting in April, your favorite weekly news-based sketch comedy show will have a new name!!! Yes, just like “Valerie” became “The Hogan Family,” and The Rock is now Dwayne Johnson, Big News will soon be known by a new moniker.

Everything else about our show will be the same - same place (iO West in Hollywood), same time (Sunday nights at 9), same great collection of actors and writers putting up a brand new show every week based upon the events of the previous seven days. The only thing changing will be the name of the show!

Check here for details soon!

During a court hearing Thursday in which he pleaded guilty to eleven felony counts, Bernie Madoff told his victims that he was “truly sorry.” The victims hope the judge imposes the maximum penalty on Madoff: having Jon Stewart yell at him on “The Daily Show.”

Warren Buffett said this week that the current financial downturn is “an economic Pearl Harbor.” Buffett warned that things will get even worse when the economy is turned into a movie starring Ben Affleck.

Among the crew on this week’s launch of the space shuttle Discovery is Joseph Acaba, who becomes the first person of Puerto Rican descent in space. Unfortunately NASA had to delay the launch several days, because somebody stole the shuttle’s hubcaps. (more…)

Jeanne Moos’ story on CNN’s Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer

Blackwater founder Erik Prince has resigned as head of the security company. Prince plans to spend more time with his family - specifically, more time beating the crap out of them.

Dead mice and rodent droppings were found throughout a Texas peanut butter plant run by the company whose products caused the recent outbreak of salmonella. Responded a company spokesperson: “If you think the chunky peanut butter’s bad, you don’t want to know what we put in the creamy!”

Inspired by a high school student, the County of Los Angeles declared this past week “No Cussing Week.” The occasion left Christian Bale speechless.
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In his address to Congress Tuesday, President Obama announced a plan to cut the federal deficit in half by the end of his first term. The plan: getting his cabinet nominees to pay all their back taxes.

In his speech to Congress, President Obama strongly criticized executives of financially-strapped companies for taking public money and then throwing lavish parties. He added that if they were going use public funds to throw lavish parties, they should at least have the decency to refer to them as Inaugural Balls.

Also in his speech, President Obama vowed to crack down on costly military programs. Like war. (more…)

Barbie and Ken.

A match made in test tube heaven. Blonde and blue eyes meets blonde and blue eyes and they drive off into the sunset in the Barbie dream coupe. 

But, just like other matches made in heaven (i.e. reality shows), their relationship was doomed from the start.

So, even though we could assume Flavor Flav and his love of tall blonde women like Brigitte Nielsen would make a good match for Barbie, it’s probably better to stick to imaginary people for a match with an imaginary girl. I mean 36-18-33 would be like wearing clocks the size of Oregon around your neck.

Obviously the artist above thinks Han Solo would be a good match. Since we know that he likes short brunettes with danishes for hair, we must rule him out.

Superman would be an obvious choice, but with the imaginary tabloids following Barbie around, he’d never be able to keep his secret identity.

Harry Potter is a young up and comer, but the horrible scar disfiguring his face would never appeal to Barbie.

Hungry Joe of Catch-22 would appeal to Barbie’s vanity as he would constantly want to take pictures of her nude, but as the photos would never turn out, it would be a short-lived relationship.

Which leaves, Mel, owner of Mel’s Diner. A couple of “order ups” and a few “stow its” and Barbie would instantly take the place of Flo. And on the other side, who doesn’t love chubby balding fry cooks? They scream lovable. Literally. The cute couple would then travel from Phoenix every Sunday to watch Big News at 9 pm at the IOwest and cuddle as they lived happily ever after.

Last week, Mattel introduced a new line of Barbie that comes with a set of tattoo stickers that can be placed anywhere on the doll’s body. Mattel plans to follow up later in the year with a set of tattoo removal scar stickers. 

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“Hello sir. Thank you for flying US Airways today. What can I get you to drink?”

“I’ll just have a soda.”

“That will be five dollars.

“Five dollars? That’s a rip off.”

“It comes with a little tiny umbrella.”

“I don’t want an umbrella.”

“It’s served in our new ‘Alive’ set of souvenir cups. Today I have Nando Parrado.”

“No.”

“You’ll love next week with our collectible Sully Sullenberger cup.”

“No, I won’t.”

“You can take your soda back to our gaming area where we have soda pong and soda bongs.”

“No. No. What else do you have?”

“We have scratch off tickets for three dollars.”

“What kind of prizes are there?”

“You have a one in two shot of winning a soda.”

“No.”

“We also carry Le Soda, a fantastic French soda for six dollars. It’s a favorite of the cast of ‘Flying’, the new airplane based reality show on Fox. They always buy two.”

“No.”

“Well, can I interest you in popcorn, peanuts or nachos?”

“Are you just trying to sell me those so that I’ll buy a soda?”

“Of course not.”

“Really?”

“Ok, yes.”

“Do you have anything else?”

“If you buy shares of US Airways stock from me you can get a free soda.”

“No.”

“I have an acorn you can suck on for a quarter.”

“I’ll take it.”

US Airways announced on Monday that it will no longer charge passengers for sodas. However, they will have to pay to use the bathroom. (more…)