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New regulations put into effect this past week will allow seventeen-year-olds to purchase “morning after” birth control pills” without a prescription. Those under 17 will still have to make due with paying someone to push them down a staircase.

Michelle Obama told children visiting the White House on Thursday that first dog Bo is “kind of crazy” and likes to chew people’s feet. She then corrected herself by saying she was actually thinking of Joe Biden.

Stephen Hawking was hospitalized on Monday because of a mysterious illness. Doctors say Hawking will make a full recovery - except for the neuromuscular dystrophy, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
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This weekend marked the end of the non-stop coverage of the NFL draft as the seventh round ended about twelve bleary eyes ago. (As a mad scientist, I keep extra eyes in a bucket in my room that I get from local raccoons and adapt to my eye sockets.) From my count, coverage started on Groundhog Day, as Punxsutawney Phil rose out of his hole, saw a linebacker with upside and a good 40-time and returned underground for twelve more weeks of non-stop Mel Kiper on his little black and white groundhog TV.

Of course, now comes spring football. Then Arena Football. Then mini-camps. Then training camps. Then preseason. Then my supply of raccoon eyes finally runs out. Thank goodness the XFL didn’t last.

But, I’m not really a football fan. It’s just the stupid raccoon eyes can’t adjust to the intricacies of baseball. But, if there was more baseball, then I think I could finally adjust them properly.

Yeah, yeah, I know about the 162 game schedule, minor leagues, Arizona Fall League, Mexican League, World Baseball Classic, and the kids that play wiffleball in the park down the street, but is that really enough?

Sure, I understand that networks aren’t crazy enough to cover a 55 round draft like baseball has. I understand that the Rule V draft can be very short and not last longer than an average Sportscenter or coverage of a poker tournament. Still, we aren’t trying hard if we aren’t trying to find more ways to keep baseball running year round like football.

For example, indoor baseball. Well, besides what is played in Tampa Bay and Minnesota and certain days in Arizona, Seattle, Houston, Toronto and Milwaukee.

Or underwater baseball. Or space baseball. Or ice baseball. Or jungle baseball. Or Outback baseball (no rules, just baseball.) The possibilities are only limited by your imagination. (Tundra baseball, wetland baseball…)

Until there are as many channels devoted to just baseball as there are devoted to sports in general, I just don’t think we have enough.

The Los Angeles Avengers announced Sunday they have terminated their participation in the Arena Football League. On the bright side, the Avengers will still win as many games this coming season as the Detroit Lions did. (more…)

“Oh frack. Oh frack. Oh frack. Our city is being overrun by criminals. We can’t keep our fracking streets safe.”

“Don’t worry Jerry, we’ll figure this out soon. We’re police officers.”

“But Bill, how long before all of those crazy criminals storm the station. We’re fracked.”

“Excuse me, I couldn’t help overhearing you and your problem. I may be able to help.”

“Who the frack are you?”

“I’m Ron, and I play video games.”

“How the frack is that going to help?”

“Calm down Jerry. Let the kid speak. I like the cut of his jib.”

“Thank you sir. You see, from playing video games, I know what the criminals want.”

“Oh for the love of frack.”

“Jerry, are you sure you know what that word means?”

“Eat frack.”

“As I was saying, criminal motives are easy. They want three things: cars, whores and good music.”

“Interesting, that’s quite a jib, go on.”

“You’re going to listen to this frack sucker?”

“Your jib is beginning to turn red Jerry.”

“I don’t know what the heck that fracks.”

“So, you have to go at them with what they love. Get the cars and whores out of town.”

“Sure, we get the fracks and fracks out of town. Sure.”

“Think of it like a pied piper. Give all the whores the coolest cars available, tell them to drive to the country, and the criminals will follow them right out of town.”

“I like the cut of that plan’s jib.”

“Frack about frack?”

“Simple. Make all the radio stations change formats. All Neil Sedaka all the time.”

A civilian airline passenger safely landed an airplane this week after the pilot collapsed and died midflight. Apparently the pilot had the fish. (more…)

Ahh, the music kids listen to today. Trash, I tell you. Awful. A bunch of noise. Not like when I was a kid and every album put out by every artist was gold. Pure gold.

Then I realized, wait, the music of today could be better. Much better. All those singers need is a good dose of black and white makeup and a crazy nickname and shebang, instant goodness. Just to get us started, here are a few ideas.

Miley Cyrus: Paints her face all white except for black circles around her eyes and goes by the name of “The Raccoon.” Plus, it helps to hide the times when daddy has to beat the Hannah Montana right out of her.

The Jonas Brothers: Each would cover their face with white makeup and then Joe has the black letters “VIR” on his face, Kevin has “G” and Nick has “IN”. Mmmm, now that is some exciting abstinence and some great chances for a quality jumble.

Kelly Clarkson: Goes by the name of “Zebra” with black stripes all over her face. Immediately becomes the arch-nemesis of Meg White.

Britney Spears: With her face painted ghost white, every concert has a different banner headline like “STOCKS DROP,” “OBAMA WINS,” or “YANKEES SIGN SABATHIA” on her face as she goes by “The Newspaper.” Spears becomes a cool parallel to the actual newspaper industry as both won’t last past 2011.

Kiss announced audiences will be able to vote online to choose concert destinations for their fall tour. The last time most Kiss fans could expect this much metal in the fall, it was in the form of a hip replacement. (more…)

In response to Vice President Biden’s comments about the Bush administration this week, Karl Rove called the VP a “blowhard” and a “liar.” In a related story, the pot called the kettle a “blowhard” and a “liar.”

On Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called for tighter controls over tourism and other forms of pollution in Antarctica. Clinton called for the controls based upon her extensive knowledge of frigid places going untouched.

The White House is considering a plan to tinker with the Earth’s climate as an emergency method for dealing with global warming. The plan will require the President to fly a reindeer to Mother Nature to force the cooperation of her son Snow Miser.
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The Showcase Showdown. The saddest moment of every day of my childhood.

Now, let me explain this to you youngsters out there. Back in the olden times, there was no cable, except the ones buried in your backyard that shocked your Uncle Jed every time he got a hankering for some digging.

So, on that happy, happy day where you finally get chicken pox and you don’t have to go to mean old nasty school where they make you draw all day, feed you lunch and let you run around outside for an hour, sniff, just a moment, sniff. I’ll be ok. I’m ok.

Ok, so you still wake up at seven, because you haven’t learned any better and you run downstairs. But, you’re trapped. You look longingly outside and realize you can’t go play in the dirt or ride your bike or blow up Ewok action figures with your leftover bottle rockets (because dammit, they deserve it.)

No. You’re “contagious” whatever that means. Well Aunt Lucy was “contagious,” but that didn’t stop her from going to every bar in the tri-state area, why can’t I go outside?

The Fruity Pebbles only manage to cheer you up slightly. Mom’s listening to her “albums” and some goofy looking guy is singing or crooning or whatever it is that sounds like a dying goat. And then you look at the glorious box in the family room and park your ass in a recliner, an action that almost seems too natural, as though you exist at all times in your life at that moment. Of course, then you remember that there is no such thing as a remote control in your house, so you get up and turn on the television and run back to sit down. 

News. Morning news. Why chicken pox, why? POXXXXXXXXXX!

All the other channels (and by all, I mean three because as I said above, there is no cable) are the same, But, nine a.m. finally arrives after what seems like two hours and game shows start. Glorious, glorious game shows. Finally, life is at its pinnacle after twelve long years. No school and big celebrities like Tom Poston helping the common man win money.

The next two hours pass in a state of bliss with laughs courtesy of Dick Clark, Peter Tomarken and Bob Barker until that final moment. The Showcase. And it has all slipped through your fingers, trapped inside with nothing left but………SOAP OPERAS…NOOOOOOOO!! 

Thank God for books.

After 72 years on the air, CBS announced plans to cancel the soap opera “Guiding Light”. The show was canceled by Les Moonves’s evil twin, who posed as his brother after faking his death in a plane crash and kidnapping the real Les Moonves. (more…)

Imagine you’re blind. Are you with me? Now, don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you to describe the color green or walk through your apartment without opening your eyes or referee a basketball game. No, it’s much deeper. 

Now, imagine you’re a blind man. (Ladies, if this is a problem, just imagine you’re blind with ESPN playing in the background.) 

Still with me? Good.

Now, what do breasts mean to you?

“Hey Billy, take a look at that rack.”

“Robert, need I remind you again that I can’t see?”

“Well, send your seeing eye dog over to sense them for you or something.”

I’m not talking big or small or just right, I’m talking boobs in general. If a girl is wearing a low cut tank top in the woods and no one is around to see her, will it be titillating?

I mean, just think of the hour and a half that would be a complete waste after a friend recommended that you ‘watch’ “Swordfish.”

“I didn’t think Halle Berry did that good of a job acting in that one.”

“But did you see the sun bathing scene?”

“Robert, I’m really beginning to hate you.”

“Oh yeah.”

To never know the pleasures of Maxim, FHM or the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. To never understand the appeal of Pam Anderson. To only theoretically understand the meaning of “wardrobe malfunction.”

But, boy, just think of all the work you’d get done.

“Billy, how can you be working while we’re at this great topless beach? Billy? Billy? Uh dude, that’s my throat. That’s my throat. Garrrrgh.”

This week the U.S. Mint announced a new half-dollar coin, the first ever to feature readable Braille. Beleaguered Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said the braille coin will be a great help to blind drivers needing exact change at toll booths. (more…)

The Iowa Supreme Court ruled Friday that marriage should not be limited to one man and one woman, paving the way for the legalization of gay marriage. Iowans expect the ruling to have a big impact, just as soon as the state gets its first gay resident.

On Monday, President Obama reassured American car buyers that the government would back up warranty claims of the auto makers, even if they go bankrupt. Obama added that the cost of the program would be small since only eight Americans will actually buy cars this year.

The U.S. government has opened a website to offer online emotional support for people affected by the economy. Unfortunately, the website has a $25 subscription fee.

Republicans are criticizing a bill passed by the House Thursday that would give the FDA power to regulate the production and marketing of tobacco products. Democrats responded that they only regulate smoking when they are also regulating drinking.

Reporters hoping to join a conference call with Hillary Clinton Thursday instead reached a phone sex line due to a typo by a White House staffer. The White House said they would issue the correct number just as soon as anyone complained.

Police in New York City arrested the manager and five employees of a Bronx pizza shop that also sold cocaine. The pizzeria’s slogan: “You’ll come for the cocaine, but you’ll stay for the pizza! And for more cocaine!”

On April 9 the U.S. Postal Service will unveil a line of stamps featuring characters from “The Simpsons”. On April 10 people will start complaining that the stamps aren’t as good as they used to be.

After seventy-two years on the air, CBS has canceled the soap opera “Guiding Light”. The show would have lasted one hundred and fifty years, if it had been called “Fluorescent Light.”

On Thursday, NBC aired the final episode of “ER.” The episode marked the series’ biggest milestone since 2001, when NBC aired the last episode of “ER” that people actually watched.

To raise funds for Autism Awareness Day, Yoko Ono will auction off a mural of clouds in the sky in 67 different puzzle pieces. The mural was originally one large brilliant piece of art before Ono broke it up.

“American Idol” winner David Cook canceled two concerts this week in order to deal with “family matters.” Cook explained that ABC family was showing the episode where Urkel first builds the Urkel-bot.

On May 1st, the Hollywood Wax Museum will auction off nearly 200 wax celebrities. The number jumps to 201 when you count the auction of real life Nicolas Cage.

Pamela Anderson is designing a line of clothes that is safe for the environment. Still unsafe for the environment: the plastic that makes up Pamela Anderson’s body.

Miley Cyrus said this week she will not make another “Hannah Montana” movie. In other words, Miley Cyrus will never make another movie.

Billy Joel’s wife Katie Lee plans to open her own burger restaurant in Manhattan. The restaurant will not feature a drive-thru, until Billy Joel makes one himself.

French pole-vaulting champion Romain Mesnil ran naked through the streets of Paris in the hopes of winning a new sponsorship deal after being dropped by Nike. Observers noted that pole only accentuated his shortcomings.

Two teams of scientists have announced the creation of robot scientists that can discover scientific knowledge on their own. In related news, two teams of scientists are now unemployed.

Michael Vick has announced plans to write a book. The book will be called “Horton Hears a Who And Then Makes The Who Fight Another Who.”

An Atlanta jury has awarded $1.8 million in damages to a boy whose penis was severed in a botched circumcision. The boy will use the money to buy the world’s largest Lamborghini.

Domino’s Pizza has given away nearly 11,000 free pizzas after a customer discovered a hidden Internet promotion. The giveaway marks the first time a Domino’s pizza cost what it was actually worth.

On Thursday, 150 empty strollers were lined up in Central Park on World Autism day to illustrate that one in every 150 children is diagnosed with the brain disorder. Officials say they know there were 150 strollers because they were counted by an autistic child.

And finally, Tom Braden, the Washington Post columnist whose life was the basis for the TV show “Eight Is Enough,” died Friday at the age of 92. He is survived by seven children and twelve grandchildren, and by the drug habits of the stars of “Eight Is Enough.”

On Thursday, President Obama held an online press conference in which he took questions from internet users. Obama spend the entire press conference reassuring Americans that the country will survive the new design of Facebook.

Volunteers in North Dakota scrambled this week to pile sandbags to protect the area from floodwaters. North Dakota officials estimated that damages from the floods could total as much as seventeen dollars.

AIG executive Jake DeSantis announced his resignation in an Op-Ed piece in Wednesday’s “New York Times” protesting media coverage of the huge AIG bonuses. DeSantis could afford to quit his job, since he’s set for life thanks to his huge AIG bonuses.

The United States Postal Service said they will likely lose six billion dollars this year. The Postal Service has a plan to close this deficit,, but advises customers not to look for cash in any of their birthday cards this year.

About 3,000 patients at a Miami Veterans Affairs hospital are being called in for HIV tests after getting colonoscopies from equipment that was not properly sterilized. The equipment that was used for the colonoscopies: penises.

Mexico is offering $2 million to help capture 24 top drug lords. In response, Amy Winehouse offered $3 million.

India’s Tata Motors will start taking orders in April for the world’s cheapest car, the $2000 Tata Nano. The company’s next model will be an even smaller and cheaper car with an autopilot that takes you to a random destination: the Tata Shuffle.

It was revealed this week that Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are engaged. Ford purchased Flockhart a beautiful engagement ring, which she is wearing as a belt.

Rhianna has revealed that she has two new tattoos, which are in the shape of guns. They match Rhianna’s previous tattoos, which are in the shape of bruises.

Kobe Bryant’s former housekeeper is suing the NBA star and his wife, contending she was “harassed and humiliated” while laboring in “intolerable” working conditions. Bryant felt so bad about the way the housekeeper had been treated that he bought her a two million dollar diamond ring.

Robin Williams is recovering after successfully undergoing heart surgery. Also recovering are the nurses who constantly had to be around Robin Williams.

Prosecutors in Miami dropped charges against Shamwow spokesman Vince Shlomi who punched a prostitute after she bit his tongue and would not let go. Said Vince: “They had to drop the charges, because the evidence was absorbed by the Shamwow! It’s like a chamois! It’s like a towel! It’s like a sponge! It’s made in Germany, you know the Germans always make good stuff! Shamwow! You’ll be saying wow every time you’re arrested for punching a prostitute who’s biting your tongue!”

Jennifer Aniston reportedly broke up with John Mayer because of his constant use of Twitter. The last straw came when Aniston received a tweet that read: “John Mayer is currently fucking Jennifer Aniston.”

According to a study published in this week’s New England Journal of Medicine, men who are circumcised are less likely to get sexually transmitted infections. They are also less likely to get laughed at in the showers after gym class.

A firefighter in Thailand dressed up as Spiderman to rescue an autistic boy who had climbed onto a third-floor balcony because he was nervous about his first day of school. The boy is no longer nervous about school, but is terrified of six-foot-tall, two-legged spiders.

A minor league baseball team in Michigan is offering a special T-shirt to any fan who eats their new 4-pound, 4,800 calorie burger in one sitting. The T-shirt will be sent to the fan’s next of kin.

A new study states that women who regularly ate soy as children may have a lower risk of developing breast cancer. However, they do have a higher risk of not realizing that cows are delicious.

New research reveals that adolescent brains undergo a process known as synaptic pruning, which clears out unneeded childhood thoughts. The brain then uses the extra space to focus on masturbating.

Italian designers have unveiled a vending machine that distributes freshly baked pizza. The vending machine is called an oven.

Chinese authorities are using contraceptive pills to try to cut down their growing gerbil population. The Chinese got the idea to use birth control with gerbils after watching Richard Gere.

According to a new report, a red face after drinking alcohol may be a warning sign of esophageal cancer. It can also be a warning sign of embarrassment after waking up and seeing what you just spent the night with.

And finally, Nicholas Hughes, the son of poet Sylvia Plath who killed herself in 1963, has committed suicide at age 47. Hughes’s death proves the truth of the old saying, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree that it used to hang itself.”