On Thursday, President Obama held an online press conference in which he took questions from internet users. Obama spend the entire press conference reassuring Americans that the country will survive the new design of Facebook.
Volunteers in North Dakota scrambled this week to pile sandbags to protect the area from floodwaters. North Dakota officials estimated that damages from the floods could total as much as seventeen dollars.
AIG executive Jake DeSantis announced his resignation in an Op-Ed piece in Wednesday’s “New York Times” protesting media coverage of the huge AIG bonuses. DeSantis could afford to quit his job, since he’s set for life thanks to his huge AIG bonuses.
The United States Postal Service said they will likely lose six billion dollars this year. The Postal Service has a plan to close this deficit,, but advises customers not to look for cash in any of their birthday cards this year.
About 3,000 patients at a Miami Veterans Affairs hospital are being called in for HIV tests after getting colonoscopies from equipment that was not properly sterilized. The equipment that was used for the colonoscopies: penises.
Mexico is offering $2 million to help capture 24 top drug lords. In response, Amy Winehouse offered $3 million.
India’s Tata Motors will start taking orders in April for the world’s cheapest car, the $2000 Tata Nano. The company’s next model will be an even smaller and cheaper car with an autopilot that takes you to a random destination: the Tata Shuffle.
It was revealed this week that Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are engaged. Ford purchased Flockhart a beautiful engagement ring, which she is wearing as a belt.
Rhianna has revealed that she has two new tattoos, which are in the shape of guns. They match Rhianna’s previous tattoos, which are in the shape of bruises.
Kobe Bryant’s former housekeeper is suing the NBA star and his wife, contending she was “harassed and humiliated” while laboring in “intolerable” working conditions. Bryant felt so bad about the way the housekeeper had been treated that he bought her a two million dollar diamond ring.
Robin Williams is recovering after successfully undergoing heart surgery. Also recovering are the nurses who constantly had to be around Robin Williams.
Prosecutors in Miami dropped charges against Shamwow spokesman Vince Shlomi who punched a prostitute after she bit his tongue and would not let go. Said Vince: “They had to drop the charges, because the evidence was absorbed by the Shamwow! It’s like a chamois! It’s like a towel! It’s like a sponge! It’s made in Germany, you know the Germans always make good stuff! Shamwow! You’ll be saying wow every time you’re arrested for punching a prostitute who’s biting your tongue!”
Jennifer Aniston reportedly broke up with John Mayer because of his constant use of Twitter. The last straw came when Aniston received a tweet that read: “John Mayer is currently fucking Jennifer Aniston.”
According to a study published in this week’s New England Journal of Medicine, men who are circumcised are less likely to get sexually transmitted infections. They are also less likely to get laughed at in the showers after gym class.
A firefighter in Thailand dressed up as Spiderman to rescue an autistic boy who had climbed onto a third-floor balcony because he was nervous about his first day of school. The boy is no longer nervous about school, but is terrified of six-foot-tall, two-legged spiders.
A minor league baseball team in Michigan is offering a special T-shirt to any fan who eats their new 4-pound, 4,800 calorie burger in one sitting. The T-shirt will be sent to the fan’s next of kin.
A new study states that women who regularly ate soy as children may have a lower risk of developing breast cancer. However, they do have a higher risk of not realizing that cows are delicious.
New research reveals that adolescent brains undergo a process known as synaptic pruning, which clears out unneeded childhood thoughts. The brain then uses the extra space to focus on masturbating.
Italian designers have unveiled a vending machine that distributes freshly baked pizza. The vending machine is called an oven.
Chinese authorities are using contraceptive pills to try to cut down their growing gerbil population. The Chinese got the idea to use birth control with gerbils after watching Richard Gere.
According to a new report, a red face after drinking alcohol may be a warning sign of esophageal cancer. It can also be a warning sign of embarrassment after waking up and seeing what you just spent the night with.
And finally, Nicholas Hughes, the son of poet Sylvia Plath who killed herself in 1963, has committed suicide at age 47. Hughes’s death proves the truth of the old saying, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree that it used to hang itself.”