Congress passed a bill on Thursday taxing large bonuses given to employees of companies bailed out by the government at a rate of 90%. In response, AIG increased executive bonuses to eleventy trillion dollars.
Former president George W. Bush will write a book focusing on the important decisions he made during his presidency. The book will be titled, “Eenie-meeny-miney-moe.”
While appearing on The Tonight Show, President Obama made a joke comparing his bowling skills to the Special Olympics that he later apologized for. He added that he meant to point out that the only thing better than winning a silver medal at the Special Olympics is not being retarded. (more…)
Freedom. It’s a founding principle of our great nation. Tell me, do the words “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” mean anything to anyone anymore?
I didn’t think so.
If they did, would there be laws keeping me from what makes me happy? No. And what makes me happy is typing “LOL” to friends as I drive my car.
It’s simple, it lets my friends know that what they said made me literally laugh out loud. Otherwise, I would type “SOF” for “Smile On Face.” (I tried “SOL” for a while, but you don’t really make a noise while smiling, unless you have a breathing disorder.)
So, what’s next? Will they try to keep me from eating my tasty bean burrito as I careen around corners on Mulholland Drive? Sure, I could understand if they might negatively view eating a barbacoa burrito from Chipotle, as that takes two hands, but dammit, I can steer with my legs. Don’t tread on my burrito eating.
And what’s wrong with drinking a non-alcoholic beer while reading “Crime and Punishment” as I navigate the 101? Sure, I’d prefer an ice cold Hamm’s, but I’ve learned that fight is not worth arguing with our fine police officers in twenty-four states and Puerto Rico. However in my freedom travels, I have found that the officers in central Pennsylvania are very tolerant of butter churning as you drive, if you know what I mean. (For those that don’t, it is combining salt and cream in a container and mixing it until it solidifies. Tastes great on toast.)
I just hope they continue to let me play my keyboard guitar as I drive. It puts my three kids in the back right to sleep. Then, I can finally smoke my meerschaum pipe without their cries.
New billboards in LA ask drivers to save lives by texting 54321 to Unicef. Apparently, Unicef forgot a much simpler solution: don’t text while driving. (more…)
At any one time in the United States, about half of the people disagree with the political party in power. If enough of them concentrated themselves in one place, like a really strong glass of Kool-Aid, could they make a change and go it on their own? Possibly. But, what would be that straw that finally breaks the proverbial drink?
Nebraska, South Dakota, Kansas and Oklahoma join forces to form the nation of Flattyistan after Joe Randall of Philadelphia becomes the billionth person to say, “Boy, it sure is boring driving through Kansas.” Worst case scenario: Flattyistan embassies refuse to give anyone visas so they can drive to Colorado.
North Dakota gets tired of it being so gosh darn cold and not getting any federal funds to help with the heating bills, forms the nation of Fun!!!!! complete with a year round bubble to keep it 72 degrees at all time. Worst Case Scenario: Your girlfriend wants to go to the Branson of Fun!!!!! as she is a big fan of the musical stylings of the All-Kazoo Bee Gees Experience.
The Government of New Jersey is overthrown by the League of Cowboys on Steel Horses. Bon Jovi (the nation) is born with benevolent dictator Jon Bon Jovi elected to rule for life. Worst case scenario: Hair products become the largest export for the United States.
Missouri, tired of no one taking the “Show Me State” seriously, becomes Spring Break Land, catering specifically to college fun seekers and the resident voyeurs. Worst case scenario: March in Spring Break Land leads to the new fad of Wet Wool Sweater contests.
Michigan, tired of not receiving federal funds to bailout the auto industry, becomes East Japan and there is no longer any American made cars. Worst case scenario: With the increased efficiency in East Japan, the St. Louis Rams become the laughing stock of the NFL.
Chuck Norris said this week that he would be interested in becoming the president of Texas if the state ever secedes from the Union. Norris was then told to leave the Chili’s customers alone and finish washing the dishes. (more…)
