TOP STORY WEEKLY PRESENTS - BONUS JOKES! - FOR THE WEEK ENDING SUNDAY, MAY 10, 2009

As part of the BBC’s poetry season, Bono composed a poem paying tribute to Elvis Presley. Here is a copy of that poem reprinted for all to enjoy.

Elvis ain’t nothing but a hound dog.

Bono ain’t nothing but Bono.

Elvis said don’t be cruel.

Bono says don’t be cruel and forgive third world debt.

Elvis wanted to be your teddy bear.

Bono wants to be your non-endangered, expanding habitat polar bear.

Elvis wanted to know if you were lonesome tonight.

Bono isn’t.

Elvis liked guns.

Bono doesn’t.

Elvis liked peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

Bono agrees.

Elvis, you may be pretty cool, but

Bono is.

As part of the BBC’s poetry season, Bono composed a poem paying tribute to Elvis Presley which will be broadcast on the network. Bono decided to compose the Elvis tribute when he needed a break from paying tributes to himself.

Mexico lowered it’s Swine Flu Alert level on Monday. From Muy Picante to Medium Spicy.

A Kenyan man has sued activists who called on women to protest the growing divide in the nation’s coalition government with a seven-day sex ban. Or, as it’s known in America, a honeymoon.

To boost sales, Chrysler said Wednesday it is offering up to $6,000 worth of incentives on its 2009 vehicles. For instance, each vehicle sold will receive 400 floormats.

President Obama announced this week that he will not offer any of the government’s bailout money to companies that produce newspapers. Several news publishers have since reapplied for financial assistance as companies that produce birdcage liners.

Georgia leads the nation in bank failures, with nine banks shuttered in the past year. Georgia also is tied for the lead in Civil War losses.

The Food and Drug Administration ordered new warning labels for Botox, a botulin based drug, saying it could lead to botulism symptoms. Upon hearing the news, botox users looked surprised.

America’s pork producers have launched a new ad campaign in answer to people’s fears brought on by the swine flu. Just to be on the safe side, however, Joe Biden still won’t ride on a subway with anyone eating a ham sandwich.

After a study found that military officers are more likely than civilians to take their own lives, military officials announced a new initiative to prevent suicide amongst troops. The initiative forbids any soldier from marrying Courtney Love.

In New Jersey, a 30-year-old Geometry teacher has been charged with having an ongoing sexual relationship with a 16-year-old student. The teacher forgot the rule of thumb that children are like square root problems: if they’re under 18, you do them in your head.

It was reported this week that the crown of the Statue of Liberty, closed since 9/11, will reopen to the public beginning July 4th. The crown is the only known example of people walking 168 steps to get in between a woman’s ears.

Government inspectors sorted through the Dallas Cowboys flattened practice facility Monday trying to figure out why fierce winds sent the tentlike structure crashing during a rookie session. Although the investigation has not concluded, people in New York insist it’s because “Jesus hates the Cowboys.”

The Santa Barbara area was hit by wildfires that began Wednesday, with over 13,000 people evacuated from over 5400 homes. Making matters worse, despite hours of news agencies’ continuous video footage, no celebrities at all were seen.

Tyler Frost, a student at a fundamentalist Christian high school in Ohio, is facing suspension if he goes through with plans to attend a public high school prom with his girlfriend, because his school forbids rock music and dancing. Frost took out his frustration about the news by going to an abandoned warehouse and having a body double dance for him.

A team of scientists at UCLA have developed the world’s smallest light bulb. The scientists will next try to change the bulb by using the world’s smallest Polacks.

Thousands of caves in national forests are being closed to visitors in an effort to halt the spread of white-nose syndrome, a deadly fungus which is decimating bat colonies. For the same reason, doctors are also recommending people avoid Paris Hilton’s vagina.

Jesse Jackson said on Sunday that, despite the election of a black president, the NAACP still has a lot of work to do. First on the organization’s agenda is to change their initials to NAAAA.

Jesse Jackson said on Sunday that, despite the election of a black president, the NAACP still has a lot of work to do. First on the organization’s agenda is to get Jesse Jackson to stop speaking on behalf of all black people.

A new report has listed Burma as the worst place in the world to work as a blogger. You can read about this report at Myanmarandomthoughts.blogspot.com.

Amazon.com introduced a new large-screen Kindle made for displaying newspapers and magazines. Amazon plans to market the device to the last person in the world reading newspapers or magazines.

According to Time Magazine, Samuel “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher is quitting the Republican Party because he’s outraged by the party’s overspending. In response, no one gives a shit.

Director Roman Polanski will not return to the United States for a court hearing in which his attorneys will seek to dismiss his long-running statutory rape case. Polanski decided to stay in Europe after hearing about the rampant problem of childhood obesity in the U.S.

David Ogden Stiers, who played Major Winchester on “MASH,” has revealed he is gay. Fans expressed shock that he didn’t realize they already knew.

Activision has announced plans to release “Guitar Hero: Van Halen,” in which players get to pretend to be part of the band, and fire a virtual lead singer and replace him with someone far less talented.

The new Star Trek movie opened Friday, and early box office and reviews indicate at big hit for Paramount and J.J. Abrams. By taking the franchise to a wider, mainstream audience, it’s the first time people have gone to a Star Trek movie and then gotten laid.

After giving an abysmal performance of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at a Cubs game, Denise Richards has promised to never sing in public again in order to avoid further embarrassment. For the same reason, Richards will also quit acting.

Australian performance artist Stelarc announced this week that he is planning on having an ear implanted in his arm. Because nothing can stop a person with talent and a dream.

Paula Abdul said in an interview that she overcame her 12-year battle with painkiller addiction last year. She added that she still suffers from withdrawals, but she gets past them by taking a lot of painkillers.

Last week, Fox announced that it will not be renewing “Talk Show with Spike Feresten” for a fourth season. Or, as Fox executives called it, “The What with the Who Now?”

Donald “Ean” Evan, who since 2001 had been the bass player for Lynyrd Skynyrd, died Wednesday at age 48. Upon hearing the news, fans of the band starting chanting “Freebird” until Evan came back to life for 20 minutes.

And finally, character actor Dom DeLuise passed away this week at age 75. Apparently, when Mr. DeLuise’s life flashed before his eyes, it was followed by a blooper reel.

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