TOP STORY WEEKLY PRESENTS - BONUS JOKES! - FOR THE WEEKS ENDING SUNDAY, MAY 24th and 31st, 2009

So, what does cancer do when it goes in remission? I imagine it’s like a vacation. So here are the top five destinations for cancer in remission:

5. Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, because no one is around to bother it there.

4. There are always drinks to be had in the liver.

3. Always can look for new friends on skin at the beach.

2. Two words: Tobacco Road.

1. Try to get a meeting with the people at Hasbro, because it’s still a good idea to make the game “Cancerland.”

Last week, reporters were told that Senator Ted Kennedy’s brain cancer is in remission. The news prompted researchers to begin investigating the use of Scotch as a cure for cancer.

On Tuesday, President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor to become the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice. Upon hearing the news, the Republicans immediately put a protective border around the Supreme Court.

On Monday, the hospital staff of Children’s Medical Center of Dallas used Twitter to post updates on a child’s kidney transplant. This came as a welcome development after staff used a “How alive is your relative?” quiz on Facebook.

“The New Yorker” has announced that the cover of their latest issued was drawn by using an iPhone. The iPhone was used in order to make the magazine even more smug.

Scientists have discovered that as many as 39 different species of birds use tools. In particular, birds use objects such as mallets, anvils, and dynamite in order to defend themselves from bad old putty cats.

On Wednesday, Rush Limbaugh told moderate Republican Colin Powell to stay out of the Republican party. Meanwhile Colin Powell told Rush Limbaugh to stay out of people’s lunches.

Researchers have found that kids’ natural short bursts of play energy are just as good for them as gym class. To achieve those short bursts of energy, researchers recommend having sex with their teachers.

According to a new study, as Americans get older, they get happier. However, they suddenly become very unhappy if those kids won’t stay off their lawn.

A new study shows that the “withdrawal method” is only slightly less effective than using a condom at preventing pregnancy. Even more effective at preventing pregnancy: talking about your fantasy baseball team.

According to a new study, drinking 2-to-9 liters of cola per day can cause muscle problems. It can also cause peeing-a-lot problems.

Japanese researchers have genetically engineered monkeys whose hair roots, skin and blood glow green under a special light, and who have passed their traits on to their offspring. In other news, Tokyo has been destroyed by green haired glowing mutant monkeys seeking to control the world.

Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia are prohibiting drivers from smiling on their license photos because neutral expressions make it easier for them to use new fraud-detection software. In order to achieve the neutral expression, photographers at the DMV remind people that they are living in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada or Virginia.

A convenience store clerk in Arkansas wouldn’t open the register for a robber on Wednesday, but gave the man $40 from his own pocket after the robber told him he needed the money for insulin. The incident will be re-created on an episode of the hit FOX series, “America’s Most Wanted: Diabetics Edition.”

Last week, Michael Vick was released from prison after serving 19 months for a dogfighting conviction. To celebrate his release, Vick plans on going to Disney World, specifically to say hi to Pluto.

On Thursday, the Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers visited the White House. The only team member not in attendance was linesman James Harrison, who said the Steelers were only invited because they won the Super Bowl. No word yet on when Harrison expects to announce his cure for cancer.

DreamWorks has purchased the rights to the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s story, which will be turned into a movie co-produced by Steven Spielberg. However, the movie will replace the assassin’s gun with a walkie-talkie.

On Friday, a Carnival cruise ship set sail for three days which will feature performances by New Kids on the Block. And to cut out the middle man, all of the cruise’s meals will be served directly into the ocean.

In a new video blog post, Chris Brown said, “I ain’t a monster.” Brown added that he is just a human being who likes to hit women.

Kelly Clarkson says she is a fan of Susan Boyle, and cries whenever she hears her sing. Meanwhile, the rest of the world cries whenever they see Susan Boyle’s face.

A Canadian musician has broken the world record for the longest-ever solo concert after he played the piano for 27 hours. In that time, he made it through almost one third of Rush’s entire catalog.

A Canadian musician has broken the world record for the longest-ever solo concert after he played the piano for 27 hours. Many female fans were happily surprised by a pianist that could go for that long.

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