Top Story Weekly

In an effort to rally support for President Obama’s health care plan, the White House has begun sending out chain emails that debunk myths about the proposal. For instance, the email debunks the myth that Americans will be refused health care if they eat Pop Rocks and then drink Coke.

According to Wednesday’s Washington Post, Dick Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of the administration. Instead, Bush cut out the middle man and got his advice directly from Satan.

Eunice Kennedy Shriver, the sister of John F. Kennedy and mother-in-law of Arnold Schwarzenegger, died Tuesday at the age of 88. Said Governor Schwarzenegger: “It was not a tumor! Seriously, it was a stroke or something. Hasta la vista, Eunice.”
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We at Top Story! Weekly may be comedians, but that doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate great music. So when we heard that the pioneering guitarist Les Paul passed away on Thursday, we wanted to pay tribute. Musicians write songs - we write jokes!

Les Paul, the influential musician and pioneer of the solid-body electric guitar, died on Thursday at the age of 94. Mourners have been encouraged not to do any fret work.

Les Paul, the influential musician and pioneer of the solid-body electric guitar, died on Thursday at the age of 94. Unfortunately, since Rock and Roll is the Devil’s music, he is now in hell.

Les Paul, the music legend who invented the solid-body electric guitar, died on Thursday at the age of 94. Paul passed away when his life support machine went acoustic.

Les Paul, the music legend who invented the solid-body electric guitar, died on Thursday at the age of 94. Paul is survived by millions of people which he helped get laid.

Les Paul, the music legend who invented the solid-body electric guitar, died on Thursday at the age of 94. Crying funeral attendees will be encouraged to use the wah-wah pedal.

Les Paul, the music legend who invented the solid-body electric guitar, died on Thursday at the age of 94. As the inventor of the electric guitar, he is also credited with inventing STDs.

Les Paul, the music legend who invented the solid-body electric guitar, died on Thursday at the age of 94. Instead of a traditional burial, Paul’s body will be smashed to pieces at the end of a song.

People keep hassling Barack Obama about his birth certificate, while Paula Abdul’s looking for a new job - but it won’t be any hassle to find laughs in this episode of Top Story! Weekly!

In this episode:

- Barack Obama counters those who say that he was not born in this country - with the help of Bruce Springsteen!
- Vince the Shamwow guy explains Barack Obama’s new health care plan!
- MTV’s latest reality hit takes “The Real World,” adds in sex offenders in Miami living under a bridge - and throws in Miley Cyrus!
- The man who scripted Neil Armstrong’s “One small step for man” offers his services to anyone who needs a catchphrase!
- After getting canned from American Idol, Paula Abdul gets a new job as a checker at Ralphs!
- Barack Obama wears the same mom jeans he wore to throw out the first pitch in the All-Star Game to negotiate with Joe Lieberman and Dmitri Medvedev!
- The planet Jupiter consults a plastic surgeon about the hole in his face resulting from the collision with a comet - but loses Paris Hilton to The Most Interesting Man in the World!
- Chris Brown tries to make the tape apologizing for punching Rhianna!
- Henry Louis Gates ends up as the Professor on “Gilligan’s Island”…and breaks into his own hut!
- Plus the comedy of Kevin Kataoka!
- And Arnold Schwarzenegger shows some California properties he’s offering up for sale!

TOP STORY! WEEKLY EPISODE 13: “American Idle”

Starring Christopher Biewer, Sean Cowhig, Matthew Harris, Gregg Lopez, Matt Moore, Jim Nieb, Melissa Okey, Tammie Smalls and Phillip Wilburn

Special Guest: Kevin Kataoka

Directed by Tom Repetto (more…)

Bill Clinton returned from North Korea Wednesday after obtaining the release of two American journalists imprisoned for five months. In successfully bringing the young women home, Clinton drew on his extensive experience in negotiating, and in successfully bringing young women home.

Due to a sharp decline in mail volume, the Postal Service is considering closing nearly 1,000 post offices. As a result, the government will have to find other ways to lose people’s mail.

Former President George W. Bush has called on the U.S., South Korea, China, Japan and Russia to send a strong message to North Korea to stop its nuclear tests. Bush then sent his own strong message to North Korea by drunk-texting penises to Kim Jong Il’s blackberry.
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All of us at Top Story! Weekly grew up watching the films of John Hughes. So we were saddened to learn of his passing this past Thursday, August 6 at the age of 59.

So how can we remember the filmmaker who defined our adolescent years? If you’re free tonight, you can head over to Hollywood Outdoor Cinema’s “Prom Night” showing of “Pretty in Pink”, hosted by our good friend and frequent guest Asterios Kokkinos. Or, if you’re like our writers, you can take inspiration from “Sixteen Candles” and “The Breakfast Club”…and write some jokes!

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If you’ve seen Top Story! Weekly, you’ve seen some great performances by Matt Moore. Now one of them has been recognized by his peers at iO West, as Matt received a nomination in the category of “Best Portrayal of an Object” in the 2009 Del Close Awards for his work as “Watson” the Jeopardy Robot in the very first episode of Top Story! Weekly.

Watch Matt’s awesome work in the clip below, in a sketch written by Erich Eilenberger and also featuring great performances by Christopher Biewer and Phillip Wilburn, and when you get a chance, head over to the Del Close Awards website to cast your vote!

Nominations for iO West’s Del Close Awards came out over the weekend, and Top Story! Weekly was thrilled to receive nominations in three categories:

Best Scripted Show

Best Portrayal of an Object: Matt Moore, Jeopardy Robot

Best Line: “Hewwo, George W. Bush!”, Artemis Pebdani as Kim Jong-Il

In addition, we’re thrilled that so many of our cast members, writers, guest stars and colleagues received votes in other categories!

Excellence in Bartending: Guest Stars Nick Bush and Brian O’Connell, and our own Sunday night bartender Molly Prather

Best Waitstaff: Our Sunday night server Vanessa Ramos

Hardest Working Intern: Our current house manger Lauren Miller, and former house managers Tommy Bechtold and James Warfield

Best ADT Team: Fraternity, featuring writer John Faga and coached by writer Jeff Hawkins

Sexiest Player: Cast Members Sean Cowhig and Artemis Pebdani, and Guest Star (and two-time champion) Nick Armstrong

Best Portrayal of an Object: Guest Star Craig Cackowski - Bullets Being Flung From Flabby Flesh (Dasariski)

Best Improvised Non-Harold Show:
Dr. God, featuring Cast Members Sean Cowhig and Neil Garguilo and Guest Stars Brendan McLoughlin and Brian O’Connell
iO Repertory Presents “Concert Album,” featuring Guest Star Nick Armstrong
Extra Strength, featuring Guest Star Brian O’Connell
Dasariski, featuring Guest Star Craig Cackowski

Best Scripted Show:
The Friday Forty, featuring Cast Members Sean Cowhig, Neil Garguilo, and Artemis Pebdani, and Guest Stars Nick Armstrong, Scott Gimple and Dave Holmes
Tang, featuring our Sunday night cohort Kim Mulligan
Dasariski Presents: Loose Fish, featuring Guest Star Craig Cackowski

Best Line:
“…case of Natural Light, Marlboro Reds, picture of a black man swimming back to Africa with a Jew under each arm.” – Brian O’Connell (Dr. God)

Coach of the Year: Guest Stars Craig Cackowski and Brian O’Connell

Teacher of the Year: Guest Stars Craig Cackowski and Aaron Krebs

Best Harold Team:
Trophy Wife, featuring Cast Member Rachael Drummond and Guest Stars John Abbott and Mike Coen
The Cartel, featuring Cast Member George Caleodis and Guest Star Nick Bush
Local 132, featuring Guest Star Nick Armstrong

If you’d like to vote, just head over to the Del Close Awards website and cast your ballot!

On Thursday President Obama held the much-anticipated “beer summit” with Officer James Crowley, Professor Henry Louis Gates, and Vice President Biden. The highlight of the meeting occurred when Biden passed out, and the other three drew a penis on his face.

Ireland this week agreed to take two Guantanamo Bay detainees. But only if they can hold their liquor.

On Tuesday, the FDA declared that the mercury in dental fillings is not harmful. The only exception: when mercury fillings are used to treat cavities in tuna.
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