Top Story Weekly

Several hundred protesters marched against this week’s G-20 economic summit of world leaders in Pittsburgh. The marches and chants were even angrier than at past summits, because this time the protesters had to come to Pittsburgh.

President Obama has encouraged New York governor David Paterson not to run for re-election. Obama also encouraged Paterson not to run into traffic.

The Department of Justice will give $224 million in stimulus money to Native American tribes to help fight crime on reservations. On the down side, all the money will be covered in smallpox.
(more…)

America mourned the loss of the Lion of the Senate…and we at Top Story! Weekly welcomed Mad TV’s Debra Skelton, who performed a great set improvising a poem as an Angry Black Woman!.

In this episode:

(more…)

On Tuesday, Jimmy Carter said he believes that Joe Wilson’s outburst during President Obama’s speech was rooted in racism. Wilson denied the claim, saying he was only yelling at Obama’s white half.

On Tuesday, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the current recession is probably over. For Patrick Swayze.

In a speech on Tuesday, President Obama said that U.S. automakers are “getting back into the game.” The game: “Who can make a car that looks exactly like a Prius?”

(more…)

In Top Story! Weekly, Artemis Pebdani plays everyone from Kim Jong-Il to the Octomom to entertainment reporter Cosmo Cahuenga. And you’re probably seen her playing “Artemis” on FX’s “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

And tonight (September 21), you can catch her with Hugh Laurie on the special two-hour season premiere of “House” on Fox!

There are now plans for a fifth Indiana Jones movie and there have been six Star Wars movies*, but how has George Lucas only made one Howard the Duck? Have no fear, I have an insider scoop that it is only a short time before that happens.

* As well as the Star Wars movies there have been several other Star Wars vehicles like…what were they…wait, I have it, feature length cartoons? No, that’s not it. TV Series? No. Video games? No. Steaming piles of sheep excrement? Yes.

At this point I could delve into the past plot of Howard the Duck and detail how the planned sequel builds on it to improve the story and universe, but my source says that since Lucas didn’t bother to do that with his other recent sequels, he won’t do it here. Plus, no one remembers the first Duck* anyway, so it’s possible it will be a shot for shot remake, which would be new to all three people that would see it. Well, one person and me, as I would see it a second time after suffering a massive head wound. The head wound may or may not be related to the first viewing.

*Duck is what the fan of Howard the Duck calls Howard the Duck. So, to rewrite this sentence, Duck is what I call Duck.

Since we have dispensed with any necessity for a plot, what about the script? I got you on that one. There won’t be a script either.

Now comes casting. Rumor has it that a nice Caesar salad will play the love interest Beverly and the two human male leads will be CGI cans of Star-Kist tuna that will be voiced by imitators of Jar-Jar Binks and Mickey Rooney from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Of course, Howard will be played by a trained blue-winged teal, from the trained animal school of Fredrich von Steppelchantogule. Steppelchantogule is most famous for coaching Keanu Reeves.

Lastly, there’s the marketing. The dish is the marketing experts will create a poster with Howard the blue-winged teal dressed in a pinstripe suit sitting in an easy chair surrounded by water with a gin and tonic by his side – think Mad Men, only with a duck. Then there will be a miniature group of people dressed as FDR, Meadowlark Lemon and Grimace to appeal to the Night at the Museum crowd. (Which sources say will fail, as the Night at the Museum crowd has much more discerning taste.) Then a baby. Everyone loves a baby.

And that is the straight dope on the next big George Lucas sequel.

In a new interview, Harrison Ford said that he’s ready to do a fifth Indiana Jones movie. In the new film, instead of being afraid of snakes, Indy will be afraid of the kids who won’t get the hell off his lawn. (more…)

For this week’s edition of Bonus Jokes! (patent pending) we here at Top Story! Weekly (by we, I mean your royal bonus joke narrator) wanted to provide a public service. So, here is how to tell you are in a foreign country and no longer in the good ol’ U.S. of A.

1. People have a strange fascination with geography and their country’s history.

2. Hollywood is considered home to creative people and not the home of fake superheroes, homeless vagrants and transvestite prostitutes. (To be fair though, the fake superheroes, homeless vagrants and transvestite prostitutes all have screenplays.)

3. Nightly news covers the MLS.

4. Cheese is not a condiment.

5. If you smile and nod a lot, you are considered agreeable and not retarded.

However, don’t be fooled by these signs and think that you are still in the U.S.

1. People really love “High School Musical”.

2. Taco Bell commercials seem to be trying new ad campaign where the announcer speaks “gibberish”.

3. People are scared of O.J. Simpson.

4. Tila Tequila is not a celebrity.

5. Not that many Canadians around.

President Obama delivered a speech to school children on live TV today, focused on the importance of staying in school, working hard, and preparing for the future. The president’s speech lasted about 15 minutes, meaning that China, Japan, and Europe are now another 15 minutes ahead of us academically.

(more…)

During his speech to Congress on Wednesday, President Obama said that he will not sign a health care plan that adds one dime to the federal deficit. Instead, Obama will hold out for a plan that adds 200 trillion dimes.

President Obama told a rally in Minneapolis on Saturday that the time for health care games has passed. Unless the game is Operation.

South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson apologized Thursday for heckling President Obama during his speech to Congress by calling him a liar. Wilson defended his actions by claiming that he really believed Obama’s pants were on fire.

Hurricane Fred formed in the Atlantic Ocean this week. However, the hurricane is nowhere near as sexy as Hurricane Right Said Fred.

(more…)

Comic book geeks and baseball nerds unite!

The first annual OPS is Right as Superman or ORS will finally meet this Saturday at noon. (No we can’t go any earlier since VP Glen has to liveblog Yu Darvish’s Nippon Ham Fighters start late Friday night. And no Paul, I will not change the name of the group to OPS is Right as Cyclops or ORC. We don’t want any D&Ders in our group. They’re weird.)

As president, I know our greatest challenge has been to find a place to meet since none of our basements are big enough. But, we have a stroke of good luck! Mom said we can use the backyard if some of you bring some folding chairs and we do a little weed-eating. (Mom said we can pretend Poison Ivy is attacking our house, but I said we aren’t 16 any more. Narf.)

Unfortunately, we can’t have alcohol since my little brother Kevin has to be included or Mom won’t let us use the backyard. But, we will have plenty of Mountain Dew. Mom said she’ll buy us a keg, if we clean out the gutters. I smell a Ken Burns marathon! (If you really want, we can watch “The Dark Knight” five times in a row again though.)

So you’re ready with questions, we’ll have two presentations this week. Marty will be regaling us with the first draft of “Albert Pujols and Batman vs. Barry Bonds and Bane: Natural Heroes vs. Chemical Villains: Who really wins?” This will be followed by “The Royals: Worse than the Wonder Twins?” after Chris finally changed it from “The Royals: Worse than Ewoks” when he finally succumbed to the idea that Star Wars comics would not be there without the movie and this is not a movie club.

I think we’ll order pizza around two. And yes, Mike, one will be without cheese. Mark, I don’t think they make gluten free pizzas, but Mom said she’d make you some bacon wrapped sausage. (No, she won’t make them for anyone else, unless you bring a note from your doctor about your gluten allergies.)

Until Saturday, take me out to the ballgame, take me out to Krypton!

On Monday, Disney bought Marvel Entertainment for $4 billion. Now Disney controls the market for all ages of people who still live with their parents. (more…)

On Monday, Disney bought Marvel Entertainment for four billion dollars. To make sure it remains valuable, Disney has vowed not to take Marvel out of its original wrapper.

Senators Orrin Hatch and Chris Dodd said that Vicki Kennedy would make a great replacement in the Senate for her late husband Ted. Bill Clinton added that she would also make a great replacement for Hillary.

The BP oil company has discovered a giant pool of crude oil after drilling in the Gulf of Mexico. The company then discovered even more oil after drilling in the hair of a bunch of guys from Jersey.

(more…)