There are now plans for a fifth Indiana Jones movie and there have been six Star Wars movies*, but how has George Lucas only made one Howard the Duck? Have no fear, I have an insider scoop that it is only a short time before that happens.
* As well as the Star Wars movies there have been several other Star Wars vehicles like…what were they…wait, I have it, feature length cartoons? No, that’s not it. TV Series? No. Video games? No. Steaming piles of sheep excrement? Yes.
At this point I could delve into the past plot of Howard the Duck and detail how the planned sequel builds on it to improve the story and universe, but my source says that since Lucas didn’t bother to do that with his other recent sequels, he won’t do it here. Plus, no one remembers the first Duck* anyway, so it’s possible it will be a shot for shot remake, which would be new to all three people that would see it. Well, one person and me, as I would see it a second time after suffering a massive head wound. The head wound may or may not be related to the first viewing.
*Duck is what the fan of Howard the Duck calls Howard the Duck. So, to rewrite this sentence, Duck is what I call Duck.
Since we have dispensed with any necessity for a plot, what about the script? I got you on that one. There won’t be a script either.
Now comes casting. Rumor has it that a nice Caesar salad will play the love interest Beverly and the two human male leads will be CGI cans of Star-Kist tuna that will be voiced by imitators of Jar-Jar Binks and Mickey Rooney from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Of course, Howard will be played by a trained blue-winged teal, from the trained animal school of Fredrich von Steppelchantogule. Steppelchantogule is most famous for coaching Keanu Reeves.
Lastly, there’s the marketing. The dish is the marketing experts will create a poster with Howard the blue-winged teal dressed in a pinstripe suit sitting in an easy chair surrounded by water with a gin and tonic by his side – think Mad Men, only with a duck. Then there will be a miniature group of people dressed as FDR, Meadowlark Lemon and Grimace to appeal to the Night at the Museum crowd. (Which sources say will fail, as the Night at the Museum crowd has much more discerning taste.) Then a baby. Everyone loves a baby.
And that is the straight dope on the next big George Lucas sequel.
In a new interview, Harrison Ford said that he’s ready to do a fifth Indiana Jones movie. In the new film, instead of being afraid of snakes, Indy will be afraid of the kids who won’t get the hell off his lawn. (more…)