Top Story Weekly

Comic book geeks and baseball nerds unite!

The first annual OPS is Right as Superman or ORS will finally meet this Saturday at noon. (No we can’t go any earlier since VP Glen has to liveblog Yu Darvish’s Nippon Ham Fighters start late Friday night. And no Paul, I will not change the name of the group to OPS is Right as Cyclops or ORC. We don’t want any D&Ders in our group. They’re weird.)

As president, I know our greatest challenge has been to find a place to meet since none of our basements are big enough. But, we have a stroke of good luck! Mom said we can use the backyard if some of you bring some folding chairs and we do a little weed-eating. (Mom said we can pretend Poison Ivy is attacking our house, but I said we aren’t 16 any more. Narf.)

Unfortunately, we can’t have alcohol since my little brother Kevin has to be included or Mom won’t let us use the backyard. But, we will have plenty of Mountain Dew. Mom said she’ll buy us a keg, if we clean out the gutters. I smell a Ken Burns marathon! (If you really want, we can watch “The Dark Knight” five times in a row again though.)

So you’re ready with questions, we’ll have two presentations this week. Marty will be regaling us with the first draft of “Albert Pujols and Batman vs. Barry Bonds and Bane: Natural Heroes vs. Chemical Villains: Who really wins?” This will be followed by “The Royals: Worse than the Wonder Twins?” after Chris finally changed it from “The Royals: Worse than Ewoks” when he finally succumbed to the idea that Star Wars comics would not be there without the movie and this is not a movie club.

I think we’ll order pizza around two. And yes, Mike, one will be without cheese. Mark, I don’t think they make gluten free pizzas, but Mom said she’d make you some bacon wrapped sausage. (No, she won’t make them for anyone else, unless you bring a note from your doctor about your gluten allergies.)

Until Saturday, take me out to the ballgame, take me out to Krypton!

On Monday, Disney bought Marvel Entertainment for $4 billion. Now Disney controls the market for all ages of people who still live with their parents.

According to a new online poll, Batman has been named the greatest superhero of all time. To celebrate this achievement, Batman fans will continue to do online polls.

According to a new online poll, Batman has been named the greatest superhero of all time. The worst: Robin.

According to a new online poll, Batman has been named the greatest superhero of all time. The worst was a tie between Squirrel Girl and Pigeon Man.

In New York, the Health Department has begun posting anti-soda ads that show liquid fat being poured into drinking glasses. Mountain Dew is now suing the Health Department for giving away their secret formula.

During a speech this past week about the Swine Flu, President Obama instructed the country that when individuals sneeze, they should cover their mouths with their shirt sleeves. Sadly, this is the only part of the President’s health care bill that is expected to be passed.

On Tuesday, Bill Cosby held a news conference with the Detroit school district’s emergency financial manager, challenging Detroit parents to be more active in their child’s education. Cosby introduced a new program, called “A Cosby sweater on every back, a frizza-frazza on every jibjab-a-eat-more-jellopuddingpops.”

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean filed a lawsuit against pageant officials for religious discrimination as they told her to stop mentioning God. Prejean later lost the suit when God took the stand and told Prejean to just shut up already.

Levi Johnston says he would consider posing for “Playgirl” if it would get him out of Alaska. However, Johnston changed his mind once someone explained to him the existence of airplanes.

In suburban Memphis, 31 high school students are being charged for organizing and participating in a Fight Club. Of course, that’s nothing compared to what’s going to happen to them for talking about Fight Club.

In Vermont, a transgendered teenager is campaigning to have all public high school bathrooms be genderless. In support, all the teen boys want co-ed locker rooms.

The FAA is investigating a Florida man who used a helicopter to fly his 14-year-old son to his first day of school. The man is expected to be charged with being the coolest dad ever.

The FAA is investigating a Florida man who used a helicopter to fly his 14-year-old son to his first day of school. The man also has a smaller helicopter that he used to take his retarded son to school.

A Georgia man was arrested on Monday for slapping a stranger’s crying child at a Walmart. As soon as the applause died down.

A nun in New York was arrested on Tuesday for drunk driving after she crashed her car into a tree. The nun says she’s tried to quit drinking before, but can’t seem to kick the habit.

A 16-year-old boy suffered only minor injuries after falling into a lion pit at a Boston zoo while trying to watch the filming of an upcoming Adam Sandler movie. This is considered better than the injuries that will be suffered when people jump into the lion pit after the movie comes out.

U.S. Airways has announced they are raising their fees on checked baggage. So be sure all your bags have polka dot or plain patterns.

Ebay will sell a large part of its ownership in Skype for about two billion dollars. Which doesn’t include one billion dollars for shipping and handling.

Toyota is developing a device that locks a car’s ignition if the driver is drunk. The car detects drunkenness by seeing if the driver comes back with an ugly chick.

Bangkok is forcing more than 300 overweight police officers to lose at least ten pounds. The weight loss is expected to make the cops better able to catch criminals, just as soon as something in Thailand is deemed illegal.

Almost 200 monkeys will be moved from the presidential mansion in Zambia after one urinated on President Rupiah Banda during a press conference. For the same reason, President Obama is considering removing Joe Biden.

On Tuesday, Poland marked the 70th anniversary of the outbreak of World War Two. They celebrated by displaying original Polish World War Two memorabilia, such as a screen door from a 1940’s Polish submarine.

On Tuesday, Poland marked the 70th anniversary of the outbreak of World War Two. As part of the ceremony, a speech was given by Poland’s only kamikaze pilot.

A man is Sweden is pumping his breasts eight times a day until December in an attempt to produce breast milk. He is also pumping his penis eight times a day, because that’s what he does normally.

Psychologists contend that kidnap victim Jaycee Dugard may have stayed quiet for so long because of Stockholm Syndrome. Locksmiths believe it was because she was locked in a shed.

New research says that weight gain may lead to prostate cancer. Or getting dumped by Tony Romo.

Astronomers have determined that the coldest, driest place on earth is a spot on Antarctica known as Ridge A. The second coldest, driest place on earth is Ann Coulter’s vagina.

A new study suggests that people who drink alcohol regularly exercise more often than those who don’t. However, researchers admit that most of the exercise is stumbling.

A new study suggests that people who drink alcohol regularly exercise more often than those who don’t. The exercises mainly consist of kneeling in front of the toilet.

A new study suggests that people who drink alcohol regularly exercise more often than those who don’t. And that after 6 or 7 beers, they will not stop letting you know about that stupid-ass study.

A new study suggests that people who drink alcohol regularly exercise more often than those who don’t. Exercise their right TO PARTY! Am I right?

Scientists in Switzerland have announced they were able to photograph a single molecule for the first time ever. The hard part was getting the molecule to smile.

Scientists in Switzerland have announced they were able to photograph a single molecule for the first time ever. Unfortunately, in the photo the molecule had red eyes.

Psychologists have found that men with the highest IQ also have the healthiest sperm. Unfortunately, there’s no way to get it out of Stephen Hawking.

Psychologists have found that men with the highest IQ also have the healthiest sperm. Unfortunately, they are also the men most afraid to talk to girls.

According to a new study, 11 p.m. Eastern Time is the most popular time of day for using the Internet in the United States. They also discovered that 11:15 pm is the most popular time for buying new boxes of tissues.

Scientists have discovered a small molecule that stops the body from making fat. They reportedly found this molecule by taking the opposite of what Kirstie Alley is made of.

A new report says that by November, women will outnumber men in the work force in the U.S. This is great news for women and greater news for men who sexually harass women.

A new report says that by November, women will outnumber men in the work force in the U.S. Unless masturbating like it’s your job is finally classified as “a job.”

A new report finds that people who use cell phone have an increased risk of getting brain tumors. It also finds that people who use cell phones in movie theaters have an increased risk of me punching them.

Erin Andrews said in a interview with Oprah that having footage of her nude distributed on the internet was a “nightmare.” Sports fans think the nightmare is having the roles reversed.

Members of the band Blink-182 dimmed the lights for a moment of silence at one in their concerts in memory of their friend DJ AM. The band then made an even greater tribute by not playing any of their songs.

In a new interview on Good Morning America, Jon Gosselin claims that he took a lot of verbal abuse from ex-wife Kate during their marriage. The most common verbal abuse was when she kept saying, “Hey, stop having sex with other women!”

Showtime has announced plans to shoot the reality series “The Real L Word” that follows lesbians leading their everyday lives. The show will be shot exclusively at WNBA games.

Following a car crash in Beverly Hills Monday, doctors confirmed that actress Renee Zellweger was not hurt. She’s just always looked that weird.

Fox has announced plans to produce “Big Momma’s House 3.” The news officially reverses all of the gains African-Americans have made since a black man became president.