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There are now plans for a fifth Indiana Jones movie and there have been six Star Wars movies*, but how has George Lucas only made one Howard the Duck? Have no fear, I have an insider scoop that it is only a short time before that happens.

* As well as the Star Wars movies there have been several other Star Wars vehicles like…what were they…wait, I have it, feature length cartoons? No, that’s not it. TV Series? No. Video games? No. Steaming piles of sheep excrement? Yes.

At this point I could delve into the past plot of Howard the Duck and detail how the planned sequel builds on it to improve the story and universe, but my source says that since Lucas didn’t bother to do that with his other recent sequels, he won’t do it here. Plus, no one remembers the first Duck* anyway, so it’s possible it will be a shot for shot remake, which would be new to all three people that would see it. Well, one person and me, as I would see it a second time after suffering a massive head wound. The head wound may or may not be related to the first viewing.

*Duck is what the fan of Howard the Duck calls Howard the Duck. So, to rewrite this sentence, Duck is what I call Duck.

Since we have dispensed with any necessity for a plot, what about the script? I got you on that one. There won’t be a script either.

Now comes casting. Rumor has it that a nice Caesar salad will play the love interest Beverly and the two human male leads will be CGI cans of Star-Kist tuna that will be voiced by imitators of Jar-Jar Binks and Mickey Rooney from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Of course, Howard will be played by a trained blue-winged teal, from the trained animal school of Fredrich von Steppelchantogule. Steppelchantogule is most famous for coaching Keanu Reeves.

Lastly, there’s the marketing. The dish is the marketing experts will create a poster with Howard the blue-winged teal dressed in a pinstripe suit sitting in an easy chair surrounded by water with a gin and tonic by his side – think Mad Men, only with a duck. Then there will be a miniature group of people dressed as FDR, Meadowlark Lemon and Grimace to appeal to the Night at the Museum crowd. (Which sources say will fail, as the Night at the Museum crowd has much more discerning taste.) Then a baby. Everyone loves a baby.

And that is the straight dope on the next big George Lucas sequel.

In a new interview, Harrison Ford said that he’s ready to do a fifth Indiana Jones movie. In the new film, instead of being afraid of snakes, Indy will be afraid of the kids who won’t get the hell off his lawn.

Facebook announced they now have 300 million users. Meanwhile, MySpace announced they now have 300 million former users.

On Tuesday, Ben Bernanke said that the current recession is probably over. He did add, however, that the new recession has already begun.

Los Angeles police are searching for the thieves who broke into a home and stole 11 paintings by Andy Warhol. The thieves were the biggest story in the city for 15 minutes, and then nobody cared.

Los Angeles police are searching for the thieves who broke into a home and stole 11 paintings by Andy Warhol. And one Campbell’s Soup Can.

Jenna Bush officially began her duties as a correspondent for The Today Show. Bush hopes she can inspire girls to believe that they too can get a job on a TV show…as long as their father used to be president.

Jenna Bush began her job as a correspondent at the “Today Show” on Friday with the profile of an 11 year old. She reportedly wanted it to be an even playing field.

The World Meteorological Organization said Wednesday that the ozone hole is expected to be smaller in 2009 than a year ago. Most happy with the smaller hole: the Ozone’s husband.

NASA scientists have finally found the coldest spot in our solar system. The spot was discovered when former Vice President Dick Cheney recently went in for an MRI.

The Jersey City School District will soon require each student to sanitize their hands in the morning, before and after lunch, and after every restroom visit. Their hands will then be the only clean things in New Jersey.

A California man has been arrested after attempting to attack Ryan Seacrest with a knife. However, it wasn’t nearly as scary as the time someone attempted to attack Seacrest with a vagina.

Last week at the Maryland Seafood Festival, Walter Hughes won the crab cake eating competition by eating six. In related news, Lindsay Lohan once again won the competition for most crabs.

New studies suggests that spanking toddlers may have a detrimental effect on their future mental development. A well funded, 10-year follow-up study on whether spanking attractive women has a detrimental effect on future boner development begins next week.

A new study finds that people who suffer from chronic pain have the physical capabilities of people 20-30 years older. This is bad news for everyone with chronic pain, except for babies.

Police in Florida charged a man with drunk driving after he was spotted riding his motorcycle in the nude. The man actually passed the Breathalyzer test, but failed the “Wearing Clothes While Riding a Motorcycle” test.

A man in Turkey has been officially crowned the world’s tallest, at eight feet and one inch. He’s now been hired by a Turkish Sam’s Club, to get items off the top shelf.

A new report shows that chlorine in swimming pools may contribute to children having a higher risk of asthma and nasal allergies. Unfortunately, the only other alternative would be to allow children to swim in pure urine.

According to a new study, eight million Americans each year seriously consider suicide each year. Unfortunately, none of those Americans are Heidi and Spencer.

According to a new study, eight million Americans each year seriously consider suicide each year. On a related note Dane Cook now has 8 million Facebook friends.

The owner of a restaurant in Michigan set a world record this week when he unveiled a 185-pound cheeseburger. The man made the burger as an appetizer for Michael Moore.

A 68-year-old Missouri man who still works at the first McDonald’s in the state was honored this week for his fifty years as an employee. The man’s new gold watch was then stolen by the Hamburglar.

A 68-year-old Missouri man who still works at the first McDonald’s in the state was honored this week for his fifty years as an employee. The man thanked the company from the bottom of his heart valve replacements.

A ground-breaking medical procedure successfully restored a blind woman’s sight by implanting a tooth in her eye socket to hold a prosthetic lens in place. The woman then asked if it was too late to switch health care plans.

A ground-breaking medical procedure successfully restored a blind woman’s sight by implanting a tooth in her eye socket to hold a prosthetic lens in place. The woman then put her original lens under her pillow in the hopes of getting a quarter from the Eye Fairy.

Burt Reynolds’ manager announced on Wednesday that the star has been released from rehab after being treated for an addiction to pain killers. Reynolds used the drugs to kill the pain associated with being in “The Dukes of Hazzard” movie.

Burt Reynolds’ manager announced on Wednesday that the star has been released from rehab after being treated for an addiction. Reynolds reportedly went back to one of his old vices by re-growing his moustache.

Kate Gosselin said on The View on Tuesday that she will never re-marry. “You’re right,” said every man in the world.

Donald Trump is calling for a boycott of Kanye West’s music, saying he was “just grandstanding to get attention.” For the same reason, Trump is also calling for a boycott of his own hair.

At last week’s MTV Video Music Awards, Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video by saying the award should have gone to Beyonce. Kanye West’s behavior came as a huge shock to people who have never heard of Kanye West.

Susan Boyle appeared on Wednesday’s season finale of “America’s Got Talent,” performing the song “Wild Horses.” Then her harness was thrown on and she was led back to the stable.

Ninety-two-year-old Vera Lynn has the number one album in the UK, making her the oldest person ever to hit the top ten. The record should be broken in a few weeks, however, with the release of the new album by Madonna.

Morton Harket, lead singer of the band, A-Ha, turned 50 on Monday. The celebration was marred, however, by two mechanics who showed up at the party carrying wrenches.

Kirstie Alley defended Kanye West apologizing, saying, “people need to be allowed to make amends. Huge amends.” Alley then went and ate an Entenmann’s. A huge Entenmann’s.

On Monday, Patrick Swayze died of pancreatic cancer. He will now spend eternity helping widows orgasm by making clay pots.