Top Story Weekly

On Thursday night, over one million people crowded together in Times Square to celebrate New Year’s. Fourteen of them were not hookers.

This year’s Tournament of Roses Parade made history with the first performance by a completely blind marching band. The band was last seen marching in Pomona.

Two men from Argentina became Latin America’s first legally married gay couple on Monday. It was the most exciting event for gay Argentineans since Madonna agreed to play Evita.

Danish police shot and wounded an armed intruder in the home of a cartoonist known for drawings of the Prophet Muhammad. Even worse for the intruder: he was actually looking for the home of the guy who draws “Marmaduke.”

Civil rights attorney Percy Sutton, best known as the lawyer for Malcolm X, has died at the age of 89. He will be remembered… by any means necessary.

After experiencing chest pains while in Hawaii on Wednesday, Rush Limbaugh was rushed to the hospital. At the same time, he was also limbaughed to the hospital.

Charlie Sheen was arrested on Christmas Day for domestic violence after allegedly holding a knife to his wife’s throat. The incident was the worst thing Sheen ever did, other than continuing to star on “Two and a Half Men.”

Roman Polanski is editing his latest movie “Ghost” while under house arrest in Switzerland. The first cut of the movie came in at about 100 minutes, but Polanski said he won’t be happy until it’s under 13.

Gossip site TMZ posted a photo supposedly depicting President John F. Kennedy with naked women on a boat in the 1950’s, which was later revealed to be a hoax. That photo actually showed John F. Kennedy with naked women in a hotel room in the 1950’s.

Susan Boyle is being considered to sing the theme song for the next James Bond movie. The movie will be called, “For Your Ears Only…Seriously, Don’t Look at Her.”

The Library of Congress has chosen Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” as the first music video to be preserved in the National Film Registry. Despite being preserved, several times a year the video will still radically change its appearance.

James Owen Sullivan, drummer for the band Avenged Sevenfold, died Monday at age 28. His bandmates plan to avenge his death, but only sixfold.

AT&T announced on Thursday that they were ending their sponsorship agreement with Tiger Woods. However, the company will use the golfer as the spokesperson for their new $60 unlimited sexting plan.

The American Kennel Club has named Snoopy the top dog in pop culture. Coming in second…Tori Spelling.

A woman in South Dakota has broken a state record after reportedly having a blood-alcohol level of .708, nine times the legal limit. The woman had been drinking nonstop since New Year’s Eve…1997.

A scientist from University College London claims that angels found on top of Christmas trees could never actually fly because their wings aren’t strong enough. And because they’re just ornaments and also angels aren’t real.

“Tweet,” “sexting,” and “unfriended” have made the 35th annual list of words that deserve to be banned, put out by Lake Superior State University. Also making the banned list was the phrase, “I’m sorry, Mom and Dad, but the only school I could get into was Lake Superior State University.”

Ford announced that they will add Wi-Fi hotspots in some of its new cars next year. Excited drivers look forward to a car that will allow them to commute and masturbate at the same time.

Police in Germany arrested a goat and put it in jail after it refused to budge from the middle of a busy intersection. The goat was finally released after one of his buddies posted baaaaaa-il.

A new study from Case Western Reserve found that being overweight makes you look older. Even worse, it also makes you look fatter.

And finally, Kim Peek, the savant who was the inspiration for the film “Rain Man,” has passed away at age 58. Sadly for Peek, he died with only five minutes till Wapner.