Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 26, 2012!

Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, died Saturday at age 82. Making this the worst week ever for anyone named “Armstrong.”

Doctors say that Republican Congressman Todd Akin’s comments that women’s bodies can’t get pregnant from “legitimate rape” are “from the Dark Ages.” So at least Akin’s comments are more modern than everything else Republicans believe.

Michelle Obama says she’s now okay with Sasha and Malia watching “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”. Because watching the Kardashians can teach Sasha and Malia how to control a successful black man?

Microsoft has unveiled a new logo. It’s just like the Apple logo, only slower and lamer.

“Forbes” magazine has ranked German Chancellor Angela Merkel as the most powerful woman in the world. Coming in a close second: Steven Tyler.

On Friday, a jury ordered Samsung to pay Apple $1.5 billion for copying the patents of iPhones and iPads. Samsung isn’t worried, however, because if they wait a few months, that number will go down just as soon as the next lawsuit against Apple comes out.

Jay Leno has agreed to a $5 million per year pay cut. NBC plans to use the extra money to pay off the victims of Leno’s comedy.

Rosie O’Donnell revealed Monday that she suffered a heart attack last week. It happened when she walked past a mirror and accidentally caught a look at herself naked.

Rapper Juvenile was arrested in Florida early Monday for getting into a fight at a club. To make matters worse for Juvenile, he’ll be tried as an adult.

On Wednesday Marvel released a comic book marking the 50th birthday of Spiderman. So now, instead of fighting Doc Oc, he sees him for yearly colonoscopies.

Alanis Morissette said in a recent interview that she is addicted to working. Fortunately, for the past ten years she’s been completely sober.

Hilary Swank has split from her boyfriend of five years. So for once you have a legitimate reason to ask Hilary Swank “Why the long face?”

Marlee Matlin turned 47 on Friday. Friends marked the occasion by pretending to sing her “Happy Birthday”.

The makers of Angry Birds are launching a new version of the game starring Green Day. It will be the perfect thing to play when masturbation’s lost its fun.

This coming season will be the last for “The Office”, and producers promise that “all questions will be answered this year.” Hopefully including “Why wasn’t this show cancelled three seasons ago?”

The U.S. government has granted Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriend, Shera Bechard, a so-called genius visa, given to “individuals with extraordinary ability,”. Her extraordinary ability: having sex with 90-year-old men.

A woman in Russia strangled an elderly male neighbor to death with her bra. Investigators knew immediately that the man had to have been strangled by a bra, because his throat was lifted and separated.

A pair of penguin chicks made their 3rd successful escape from a Japanese zoo before being moved to a more secure enclosure. The penguins were found when zookeepers followed the sound of Morgan Freeman’s voice.

An Etsy user has created a series of baby onesies inspired by “50 Shades of Grey.” The onesies come complete with leather straps, metal studs, and a mini whipping crop.

Three daycare workers in Delaware were arrested after it was discovered that they were forcing toddlers to get into fist fights with each other. Said one of the toddlers: “The bad workers had to go to prison for breaking the rules. Especially the first rule: you don’t talk about toddler fight club. And the second rule: YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT TODDLER FIGHT CLUB. I don’t know the next rule because I can’t count that high yet.”

A new study proves that yo-yo diets do not screw up a person’s metabolism. However, they do make a person really, really sick of eating yo-yos.

And finally, comedian Phyllis Diller died Monday at age 95. Female comics praised Diller for blazing a trail for them, and of course Adam Carolla just said she wasn’t funny.

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