Benjamin Netanyahu won his fourth term as Israel’s Prime Minister in an extremely close election. Netanyahu is said to have won the race by only a foreskin.
Mitt Romney will fight Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match in May. To get ready to fight Romney, Holyfield has been playing a lot of “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots”.
A class action lawsuit was filed in California against Franzia and Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck for containing high levels of arsenic. Trader Joe’s customers say that while arsenic poisoning sucks, it’s still less annoying than paying 10 cents for a bag.
A jury ruled that Pharrell Williams and Robin Thicke will have to pay $7.4 million for stealing music from Marvin Gaye. In related news, white musicians now owe black musicians 300 kajillion dollars.
A new poll says Fox News is the nation’s most trusted news network. Though to be fair, these results were reported by Fox News.
On Monday, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the new Apple watch. Apple customers will love the feature where the Apple watch will let them know how long it’s been since they’ve checked their iPhone.
On Tuesday Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a controversial speech before Congress. The most controversial part of the speech was when Netanyahu said that dress on the internet was definitely white and gold and not black and blue.
A Delta flight skidded off the runway after landing at New York’s LaGuardia Airport on Thursday. Passengers said that with the screaming, luggage flying everywhere, and near fall into the ocean, it made for the most relaxing Delta flight they’ve ever had.
According to CNN, in the next few weeks the Justice Department plans to file corruption charges against New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez. The key piece of evidence that Menendez is corrupt is that he’s a senator from New Jersey.
The investigation into Friday’s murder of leading Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov will be overseen personally by Vladimir Putin. Putin has already narrowed the possible suspects down to two groups: everyone in Ukraine, and shirts.
Alaska has become the third state to legalize marijuana. Which means now everyone in Alaska can be baked.
Rajendra Pachauri, the head of the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, resigned Tuesday after being accused of sexual harassment. The harassment occurred when he asked an employee, “Is it hot in here, or is it just our entire planet?”