The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending April 26, 2015!

In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner said publicly for the first time, “I am a woman”. Bruce also said she had to divorce Kris Jenner, because no woman in the Kardashian family is allowed to have talent.

Comcast is canceling plans to merge with Time Warner. Comcast dropped the idea when they realized they don’t need any additional help being evil.

A State College, Pennsylvania man was arrested for assault after arguing about whether Michael Jordan or Lebron James is a better basketball player. The winner of the argument: Charles Darwin.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending April 19, 2015!

On Monday, Florida Senator Marco Rubio announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. Or as his campaign posters will call him, The One That’s NOT Ted Cruz.

In an attempt to distance himself from his brother, Jeb Bush said in a speech that ″I’m my own person″. He added that if he becomes president, he’ll find his own unique way to completely screw over the country.

Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of murder. As a result, the NFL is considering the possibility of maybe suspending him.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending April 12, 2015!

A new book shares the secrets of White House butlers. Among the scandals in the book: Bill Clinton’s affair, JFK’s skinny-dipping parties, and the time Michelle Obama ate a McRib.

NASA’s chief scientist says there will be “definite evidence” of alien life within 20 to 30 years. In response, Republicans announced plans for a space fence.

“Rolling Stone” has retracted its story about an alleged rape by a fraternity at the University of Virginia. But “Rolling Stone” still stands by the positive review they gave to Limp Bizkit’s first album.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending April 5, 2015!

Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson says he won’t sign a “religious freedom” bill similar to the one passed in Indiana criticized. Not because he thinks it’s anti-gay, but because since he’s from Arkansas he doesn’t know how to write.

An Indiana pizzeria that refuses to cater gay weddings has received more than eight hundred thousand dollars from supporters who also oppose gay marriage. Donors say that pizzas are for sausage and cheese…not sausage and Steve!

This week Nigerian president Goodluck Jonathan lost his bid for reelection. So he’ll be changing his name.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending March 29, 2015!

On Monday, Republican Senator Ted Cruz became the first major candidate to announce his bid for the Presidency in 2016. The news is exciting for Republicans, and even more exciting for Democrats.

Apple CEO Tim Cook announced plans to give all his money away to charity. The charity is called The Fund For People Who Can’t Afford An iPhone.

A man in New York says he lost his job at the Home Depot because he has an “ISIS” tattoo that he got for a girlfriend named Isis. Home Depot says they let him go not because of the terrorist group, but because he’s stupid enough to believe in true love.