The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending May 24, 2015!

After six years in office, President Obama finally got his own Twitter account. Obama said he’d love to follow each and every American, but that’s the NSA’s job.

Brian Williams has pulled out of hosting an awards show for military veterans. According to Brian Williams, he already hosted the event two years ago.

The Los Angeles City Council voted to raise the city’s minimum wage to $15 an hour. So now typical L.A. residents can finally afford all those those dogs they rescued!

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending May 17, 2015!

Key ISIS commander, Abu Sayyaf, was killed this Friday by the US Army’s Delta Force Troops. Director Kathryn Bigelow has already cleared a space on her shelf for her next Oscar.

The NFL is suspending Tom Brady four games for his role in “Deflate-Gate”. Unlike domestic violence and murders, the NFL has a zero-tolerance policy on removing air from footballs.

A new poll shows a sharp rise in the number of Americans who no longer have a religion. The results are bad news for churches, but at least now Hozier can find parking.

George Zimmerman was injured Monday in a shooting. The suspect is karma.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending May 10, 2015!

The field of Republican presidential candidates widened this week with announcements by Carly Fiorina and Dr. Ben Carson that they are running. Or, as Republican voters will call them, “the woman” and “the black guy”

On Wednesday, Pope Francis met the Harlem Globetrotters. The Globetrotters weren’t nervous, though, since they’re used to going one-on-one with someone who’s never scored.

Floyd Mayweather is being sued for defamation by his ex-girlfriend Shantel Jackson. Mayweather is expected to win the case, but in the most boring and disappointing way possible.

The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending May 3, 2015!!

On Saturday Floyd Mayweather beat Manny Pacquiao in a boxing match billed as “The Fight of the Century”. Also on Saturday, all of your friends pretended to actually be interested in boxing.

Bernie Sanders, the socialist senator from Vermont, is running for President. Experts say his chances aren’t good, because America has never elected two socialist presidents in a row.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced this week that the league plans to end its tax-exempt status. But Goodell added that there are no plans to end the NFL’s punishment-for-domestic-violence-exempt status.