The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 9, 2015!

On Thursday, ten Republican presidential candidates debated on Fox News. And the winner of the debate, naturally, was Hillary Clinton.

According to a new poll, most Republican voters would like a different format than the one used for this week’s debate. Republicans’ biggest complaint: too many black guy.

Jeb Bush has lost 40 pounds over the last 6 months. Jeb lost the weight with a new diet where he no longer feeds off his brother’s legacy.

At a town hall meeting Tuesday, Chris Christie said he uses birth control. But he still clearly refuses to use portion control.

At an event in Colorado Wednesday, Hillary Clinton said she’s tired of women being “shamed and blamed.” Then, at a debate the next day, Donald Trump said he’s tired of women being.

North Korea announced it is creating its own time zone. However, despite changing all the clocks in North Korea, it will still never be time for dinner.

Tesla announced their cars will soon be able to steer and parallel park themselves. The new feature will make it much easier for Tesla drivers to jerk themselves off to the fact that they drive a Tesla.

A woman who works in the U.S. Senate makes ends meet by moonlighting as a stripper. The woman requested anonymity, as she’s very embarrassed to be working in the U.S. Senate.

Gwen Stefani from No Doubt and Gavin Rossdale of Bush are getting divorced. Gwen knew something was wrong with their marriage when she finally had some doubt.

Ted Nugent said he supports the dentist that killed Cecil the lion. Nugent said the lion needed to die, because it had a bad case of cat scratch fever.

Gwyneth Paltrow spoke before Congress Wednesday. Unfortunately for Paltrow, none of the states were interested in the benefits of steaming their Virginias.

Dr. Dre said he decided not to release his long-planned “Detox” album because “it just wasn’t good.” Dre said he’d feel bad selling an overhyped album when he can make so much more money selling overpriced headphones.

Zayn Malik of One Direction and his fiancee Perrie Edwards have ended their engagement. Perrie ended their relationship because there’s one direction Zayn WON’T go…

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith denied rumors that they are getting divorced. Will said, despite some difficulties, he’s just not ready to say, “Smell you later”.

Zooey Deschanel has given birth to a baby girl. Mother and daughter are fine, but it was a tough delivery, mostly because the baby came out of the womb holding a ukulele.

Pornhub is launching an all-you-can-watch website they’re promoting as “the Netflix of porn”. It’s called “The Internet.”

Two men in Iowa were arrested Tuesday for running a meth lab out of a Taco Bell. It marked the first time that the thing “Breaking Bad” at a Taco Bell was not someone’s digestive system.

The Coast Guard seized 12,000 pounds of cocaine that was on board a homemade submarine. They knew something was wrong because, instead of being underwater, the sub was up all night and wouldn’t shut up.

A new study says that white bread and pasta can increase the risk of depression. Especially if it’s ordered from the Olive Garden.

A new study shows that kissing can lead to cancer. As proof that kissing can cause cancer, the scientists who conducted the survey like to point out that they’ve never had cancer.

Norway’s Stavanger Golf Club has been dealing with someone pooping in its golf holes. Given that he’s been taking a dump on golf courses everywhere lately, the number one suspect is Tiger Woods.

Hong Kong woman Ng Lai-ying was arrested for assaulting a police officer with her breast. The officer is said to be in serious, but slightly aroused condition.

And finally, Vincent Marotta Sr., the inventor of Mr. Coffee coffee machines, died last Saturday at 91. His family said it was sad to see the life slowly drip out of him.

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