The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 23, 2015!

While campaigning in Iowa Monday, Marco Rubio threw a football and hit a four-year-old boy on the forehead. It’s the first time Marco Rubio has connected with anyone on the campaign trail.

A teenager who goes by the name Deez Nuts is running for president. His running mate: Heywood Jablome.

NBCUniversal is investing 200 million dollars in BuzzFeed. What happens next will disappoint you!

Ashley Madison, the website used for marital affairs, was hacked and the names of 37 million users have been posted online. The only one happy about the hack has been 1-800-Flowers.
This week, the FDA has approved a drug being billed as the “female viagra”. It’s called “foreplay”.

The latest issue of “Time” features a picture of Donald Trump holding a live American bald eagle. Despite being bald, the eagle still has better hair than Trump.

John McCain was met with protests last Friday when he visited the Navajo Nation. The Navajo refused to listen to a man who works side-by-side with John Boehner, who locals refer to as The Trail of Tears.

Earlier this week Banksy unveiled “Dismaland,” a sad, downtrodden parody of the Disneyland theme park. Within minutes of opening, a copyright infringement lawsuit was filed by Knott’s Berry Farm.

Anne Hathaway will star in a TV series adaptation of the novel “The Ambassador’s Wife”. The show has not begun shooting, but women everywhere have already decided they hate it.

Hip-hop mogul Dr. Dre apologized this week for assaulting multiple women. Although if you’re expecting an apology from Sean Penn for doing the same thing…keep waiting.

A cruise line is launching the first “Star Trek” themed cruise. The ship is called The Never Been In Love Boat.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green have separated after five years of marriage. She is looking for a man with more ambition and less names.

A former Penthouse model named Sandra Taylor told “The New York Post” that Donald Trump was an amazing lover. She also said Trump’s the only guy she’s been with who screamed out his own name during sex.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will star in a movie based on Disneyland’s Jungle Cruise ride. While Meryl Streep and Robert DeNiro will star in a movie based on the bench that you rest on while your grandkids go on a rollercoaster.

Last weekend CNN anchor Chris Cuomo saved a man from drowning. The man has still never heard of Chris Cuomo.

Disney will be adding a “Star Wars”-themed land to its parks in California and Florida. Visitors will exclaim “Help me, Fast Pass, you’re my only hope!”

A woman in Fort Wayne, Indiana named Jessica Hayes held a ceremony last weekend to marry Jesus Christ. Guests said it was a beautiful wedding but couldn’t believe how tacky it was that the groom wore sandals.

Bill Gates has developed a machine that can make drinkable water from human waste. So society might have some use for Bill Cosby after all.

Starbucks announced its Pumpkin Spice Lattes will now contain real pumpkin. Just like the kind you use to make…Zack…O…Lampturds?

Attorneys have discovered that poor background checks allowed a convicted murderer to become a driver for Uber. Even worse, the driver continues to murder people . . . with those surge prices!

The site of this year’s Burning Man Festival has been hit with a massive infestation of stinkbugs. Although they’re irritating, and make everybody itch, those humans won’t ruin the bugs’ time at Burning Man.

And finally, Bill Clinton turned 69 on Wednesday. It was also his birthday.

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