The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending August 30, 2015!

Marco Rubio said in an interview Wednesday that even though he’s a first-term senator in his 40’s who’s running for president, he’s not like Barack Obama. For one thing, Barack Obama actually had a chance to win.

A Donald Trump fan yelled out “White Power” during a political rally in Mobile, Alabama. Commented another rally goer: “Redundant!”

George Zimmerman tweeted that he thinks President Obama is a racist. In other words, Zimmerman is a fan.

Donald Trump has been repeatedly calling Jeb Bush “low energy.” Jeb will begin working on a 5-point retort just as soon as he can figure out how to update that gosh darn PowerPoint program.

On Monday, French President François Hollande presented the three Americans and one Briton who stopped a terrorist attack last week with France’s highest honor for bravery. Unfortunately, France’s highest honor for bravery is the “Golden Surrender.”

Leaked emails from Ashley Madison founder Noel Biderman reveal that he’s had multiple affairs despite claims that he’s never cheated on his wife. So Biderman is not just the founder of Ashley Madison. . . he’s also a client.

Apple will unveil the new iPhone on September 9. iPhone users will know the new phone is available when their current iPhone suddenly stops working.

Lisa Kudrow made a special appearance at a Taylor Swift concert this week. Concertgoers loved the performance, but did think it was a little weird that Taylor brought out her grandma.

Barbra Streisand posted a selfie on Instagram of herself and Lady Gaga. The photo is part of a campaign to bring together young and old…gay men.

Slash and Axl Rose have reportedly reconciled. It happened after Slash approached Axl “top hat in hand.”

One Direction will take a hiatus for a year so the band can focus on solo projects. Although they might have thought twice about doing that if they’d checked first with the Backstreet Boys.

According to Forbes magazine, Calvin Harris is the year’s highest paid DJ. So now he can finally pay back all of his student loans to Push Play On Your iPod University.

Cops shut down the lemonade stand that Jerry Seinfeld’s son Julian was running in the Hamptons. Upon getting shut down, Seinfeld’s son wanted to know what is the deal with that? Who are these people?

Joy Behar is returning to “The View”. But viewers still aren’t.

Ben Affleck’s ex-nanny was offered a million dollars to star in a porn parody of “Batman v. Superman”. She refused, because if she wanted to get paid big bucks to have sex with Batman, she would have continued being Ben Affleck’s nanny.

A man who previously underwent plastic surgery to look like Justin Bieber has been found dead. Which seems about right.

According to a recent report, there are only 3 towns in America with no Ashley Madison accounts. In those little towns, they do things the old-fashioned way. Like boning your wife’s sister at her place before your wife gets home from work.

More than 60 people got sick after eating at a California Chipotle. ″How’d they get their number so low?” said Taco Bell.

A message in a bottle that’s believed to be from 1904 washed up on the shores of Germany this week. All it said was “U up?”

On Monday, there was a 600-point drop in the stock market. Meanwhile, Deb’s Weight Watchers Diet crashed when she dropped 600 points at Boston Market.

Researchers in Britain have found that 1 in 5 senior citizens consume an unsafe level of alcohol. The alcohol makes them drive so recklessly that they almost go the speed limit.

A man in Scotland who lost the use of his genitals in an accident was given an 8-inch bionic penis. He got the bionic penis because it was still cheaper than a Ferrari.

And finally, beloved crossword puzzle maker Merl Reagle died last Saturday at the age of 65. He was buried six feet down and three feet across.

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