The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, October 11, 2015!

Republican Congressman Kevin McCarthy has pulled out of the race for Speaker of the House. Keeping with the tradition of conservatives using the pull out method.

Netflix is boosting its price to $9.99 per month. The price boost was prompted by a new conservative group: “A million moms against Netflix and Chill”

Customers are complaining that Burger King’s Halloween black bun Whopper turns their poop green. So for Burger King employees, that’s a trick AND a treat.

On Monday American Apparel filed for bankruptcy. Stockholders will be left with nothing but the shirts not on their backs.

The U.S. reached a trade agreement Monday with 11 Pacific Rim nations called the “Trans-Pacific Partnership”. Although before the deal, it was known as the “Bruce-Pacific Partnership”.

Whole Foods announced they will stop selling products made by prisoners. Which means it’s back to Trader Joes for the toilet wine.

The NFL has admitted that officials blew a call during last Monday Night’s game between the Lions and the Seahawks. The NFL confessed they are not used to dealing with an issue that isn’t domestic violence.

ABC Family is changing its name to “Freeform” to more accurately reflect its programming. For the same reason, TLC is changing its name to “Crap Starring Rednecks.”

Jay Leno disguised himself as an Uber driver to prank unsuspecting passengers. So add Uber driver to the list of jobs Jay Leno steals from people.

Beyonce’s dad is teaching a course on how to become a superstar. Lesson one is, ″Have a father who gives you a ridiculous name″.

John Stamos will be charged with driving under the influence of GHB, commonly known as “the date rape drug”. The man is so handsome, he wants to violate himself.

Former “The Cosby Show” star Keshia Knight Pulliam said the rape allegations against Bill Cosby shouldn’t hurt the show’s legacy. Or more importantly, the delivery of her royalty checks.

Marcus Mumford of Mumford & Sons has become a father for the first time. The baby is already sleeping in its custom made suspenders and drinking formula from a baby mason jar.

The last lunch menu from the Titanic was sold at auction for $88,000. The anonymous buyer was hoping to learn what type of lettuce was used in the salad, though it was probably iceberg.

McDonald’s is officially now serving breakfast all day. McDonald’s wants to give customers the chance to hate themselves no matter what time it is.

A man in Tarpon Springs, Florida covered his home with aluminum foil. Which should really help to preserve the fresh crazy inside.

A man whose legal name is Santa Claus is running for city council of a tiny Alaskan town called North Pole. “This man can’t win because he’s making a mockery of our country,” said Donald Trump.

A man with an 80 pound scrotum underwent extensive surgery to remove the mass. Hopefully now people will start to pay more attention to his 18-inch penis.

Governor Jerry Brown introduced a bill this week that says the state of California will now consider cheerleading an official high school sport. Most were in favor of the new bill, although several other bills were seen crying outside in the hallway.

A new poll says that Britain is the best place in the world to die. Nine of the other ten dead bodies surveyed did not respond.

And finally, John Mellencamp turned 64 Wednesday. So now when something ″Hurts So Good″, it’s his arthritis.

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