The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, October 18, 2015!

The first Democratic presidential debate was held on Tuesday. During the event, the candidates debated whether Hillary should be nominated now or nominated later.

Ben Carson said in an interview that he believes the “end of days” is near. In related news, Carson announced that his new speech writer is Kirk Cameron.

Jeb Bush is starting to stay in cheaper hotels in order to save money. Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal is still staying in his 2005 Buick LeSabre.

In Sweden, police investigated a Hipster beard club because they mistook it for ISIS. The hipsters were flattered, since people hate them way more than ISIS.

On Thursday, the Odense Zoo in Denmark dissected a lion in front of a crowd of children. The zoo says that they just wanted to encourage the children to pursue careers as dentists in Minnesota.

Starting in March, “Playboy” will no longer feature any nude women. Which will make “Playboy” a lot like my bedroom.

A man who changed his name to Santa Claus has been elected to the city council of North Pole, Alaska. So tis’ the season to fix potholes!

The manager of the bordello where Lamar Odom was found unconscious said Odom came to the brothel to relax. Unlike all the other guests of the brothel who come to work on their novel in peace.

Sean “Diddy” Combs is producing a sitcom for ABC. The show will consist entirely of samples from other sitcoms.

Seth Meyers says that he’s never stayed up to watch his own show. He has a hard enough time staying up during the actual taping.

Phil Collins is releasing an autobiography next year. They won’t give an arrival date when you pre-order the book, but you’ll probably feel it coming in the air tonight.

Wiz Khalifa was arrested last weekend for peeing in public. Good thing his name isn’t “Dump Khalifa”.

Johnny Depp says he doesn’t ever want to win an Oscar. “Uh, yea. What he said” said Leonardo DiCaprio.

Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham’s wife has given birth to twin boys. Amazingly, she was able to give birth without moving her lips.

Journey drummer Deen Castronovo has pleaded guilty to domestic violence. He is expected to be sentenced to six months of listening to drunk people at karaoke bars singing “Don’t Stop Believing”.

Lucky Charms will release a version of its cereal with nothing but marshmallows in the box. The boxes are filled with pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers and blue diabetic syringes. They’re magically delicious!

Research shows that one third of vegetarians eat meat when they’re drunk. The other two-thirds just end up texting Brad.

A church in Ohio gave a pizza deliveryman a $1,000 tip from the collection plate. “Oh . . . how nice . . . ” said all the local homeless people.

In Canada, a pair of high school students used a 3D printer to make a wheelchair for a disabled feral kitten named Cassidy. So you should see how fast Cassidy spreads rabies now!

A new study suggest that red wine with dinner may help people with type 2 diabetes. And that red wine with breakfast may help people co-host “Kathie Lee and Hoda”.

According to a new study, 1 out of every 3 Americans is obese. But they prefer to be called by their politically-correct name, Chipotle-Americans.

By beating the Cardinals in 4 games, the Cubs won their first playoff series ever in Wrigley Field after 100 years. And according to Nostradamus, the Cubs could only do this when Playboy decides to stop showing naked women.

And finally, Sammy Hagar turned 68 on Tuesday. He marked the occasion with a new song, “I Can’t Drive . . . Without My Left Blinker on for No Reason”.

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