The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, October 25, 2015!

Wednesday marked the day Marty McFly traveled into 2015 in ″Back to the Future Part II″. So if you’re still upset that there aren’t flying cars or hoverboards, just Google why that is on the computer you keep in your pocket.

Paul Ryan says he’ll run for Speaker of the House only if Republicans agree to his conditions. Republicans will get back to him once they’ve looked up “agree” in the dictionary.

Tickets for the new ″Star Wars″ movie were made available for pre-sale on Monday. So “Star Wars” fans can buy a pair of tickets now, and still have plenty of time to not find a date!

Joe Biden announced Wednesday that he’s not running for president. He’s too busy making women run from his weird kisses.

On Friday, Lincoln Chafee announced he’s ending his bid to be the Democratic nominee for President. His announcement was the second-worse ending of a political career for a Lincoln.

Oprah Winfrey is buying 10% stock in Weight Watchers. So if you’re Jenny Craig, you may like Oprah as much as anyone, but…[MIMICKING OPRAH] this fucking SUUU-UUUUUCKS!

Jim Webb has ended his campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination. He said he wants to spend more time plotting against his new Vietnamese neighbor.

A new report by a pediatricians’ group says that drinking even a small amount of alcohol is never a good idea for expectant moms. Not for the baby’s health, it’s just important that the mom gets used to not having fun.

Long-time “Price Is Right” host Bob Barker was injured when he fell on a sidewalk near his Hollywood home. Barker says he tripped when he thought he heard the sidewalk say, “Come on down!”

Taylor Swift posted a photo on Instagram of her thumb wrapped in a bandage after she cut it with a kitchen knife. Her doctor says that Taylor needs to realize that, knives are going to cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Thumbs are going to bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed, bleed. There’s nothing here to treat, treat, treat, treat, treat, treat. Just shake it off. Shake it off. Oh oh.

Snoop Dogg’s son Cordell says he only started playing football to make his father love him. Of course, if Cordell really wanted to win Snoop’s love, he should have tried growing weed.

On Friday “Weird Al” Yankovic turned 56. In his honor, his friends sang “Crappy Girth-Day”.

Jaden Smith told “GQ” that he’s dedicated to “being, like, one of the craziest human beings to ever exist.” Upon hearing the news, Gary Busey said, “If Jaden Smith wants to be the craziest human being to ever live, he’ll have to get through me first. I’m crazier than a donkey trying to mail a ham sandwich to Franz Ferdinand. The archduke, NOT THE BAND! Amateur!”

Zooey Deschanel has named her baby girl “Elsie Otter.” Of course.

NASA has discovered that the Great Red Spot on Jupiter is shrinking. Doing the opposite of what Neil deGrasse Tyson’s boner did upon learning this news.

A 4-year-old Arkansas girl asked her mom to give her a birthday party with a CVS drugstore theme. She got a lot of gifts because she wrote her wish list on a CVS receipt.

Two people were hit with bullets during a reenactment of an Old West gunfight in Tombstone, Arizona. Onlookers say it was the most terrifying gunfight reenactment they’d ever been to, but also the most accurate.

Tom Petty turned 65 Tuesday. So now, when he says “the waiting is the hardest part”, he’s talking about peeing.

Police in Concord, Massachusetts are giving out fake citations for good behavior. And since it’s Massachusetts, so far they have given out zero citations.

A waitress at a strip club says that Kevin Hart didn’t pay his bill. Although as soon she saw Kevin Hart enter the club, she knew he was going to come up short.

Ahmed Mohamed, the Texas teenager who was arrested for bringing a homemade clock to school, is moving to Qatar with his family to continue his education. Ahmed says he wishes he bombed the school because the Texas education system is crap.

According to “Forbes” magazine, Jerry Seinfeld is the world’s highest-paid comedian. The second highest-paid comedian: Donald Trump.

And finally, Cory Wells, one of the lead singers for Three Dog Night, has died at age 74. Sadly, many of his loved ones won’t attend the funeral because his mama told them not to come.

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