The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, November 8, 2015!

Donald Trump hosted this weekend’s ″Saturday Night Live″. Just like his campaign, each sketch was kind of funny at first but then went way too long.

On Tuesday Kentucky held an election for governor. The loser has to be governor of Kentucky.

153 cases of Skippy peanut butter are being recalled due to possible metal shavings in the jars. Not for safety reasons, but because they want to label all the jars as “Extra, EXTRA Crunchy”.

Guatemala has elected a former comedian as its new president. Voters hope that he’s gotten all the bombing out of his system.

Spirit Airlines is being accused of discrimination after removing seven black passengers from a plane. On the bright side, the seven black passengers no longer had to fly on Spirit Airlines.

Kenyan runners won both the men’s and women’s races in the New York City marathon for the third straight year. It’s the biggest winning streak for Kenyans in America since someone from Kenya won two straight presidential elections.

Drug Store chain Walgreens is buying its rival Rite Aid for $17.2 billion. However, it will only cost them 17 billion if they use their Wellness Card.

Suge Knight has pleaded not guilty to charges of robbery. In his defense, Suge’s lawyers claim Suge couldn’t have possibly committed robbery, because he was too busy murdering people with his car.

Phil Collins has announced he’s coming out of retirement for a new album and tour. Which means he’ll soon be headed back into the stu-stu-studio.

Rapper Riff Raff is being sued by his landlord for unpaid rent and damage to the property. He is fighting the lawsuit by pointing out that the landlord was dumb enough to rent to a guy named “Riff Raff”.

The website Vulture posted an article ranking all 81 episodes of “Saved by the Bell” from worst to best. It turns out, it’s an 81-way tie for “worst”.

In a recent interview, Ryan Adams compared Taylor Swift’s lyrics to Shakespeare. To be fair, Shakespeare was also involved in a long-running feud with Katy Perry.

Kenny G said he plans to hold a saxophone note throughout an entire flight in order to set a world record. The world record will be for the highest amount of people who have wanted to kill themselves at the same time.

A “Hunger Games” amusement park will open in Georgia in 2019. It’ll be the perfect place to bring the family if you want to leave with fewer children than you came with.

43 Chipotle restaurants in Washington and Oregon were closed last week due to an outbreak of E. coli. Unfortunately for customers E. Coli at Chipotle cost $2 extra.

The number of users who have come out as gay on Facebook has doubled in the last year. The most common way to come out on Facebook is by liking the page for “The Real Housewives”.

A medical expert claims that alcohol cuts the risk of dementia. As evidence, he points out that Kiefer Sutherland has negative dementia.

An examination of the USC Coliseum found that it’s quieter than other football stadiums due to acoustical deficiencies. Meanwhile, The Detroit Lions’ Ford Field is quieter than other football stadiums because the Lions play there.

A new study reveals that many children under five own their own smartphones and tablets. They even have our own dating app: Tindergarten!

According to the World Health Organization, two-thirds of the world’s population has herpes. The report was titled, “See, It’s Not Just Me, Stacy.”

Tim Tebow has been offered a six-figure deal to endorse a line of socks. The company thinks Tebow is the perfect spokesperson for socks because he has so much experience with “de feet”.

And finally, Al Molinaro, who played Al on “Happy Days”, has died at age 96. However, Henry Winkler tapped his fist on Al’s chest, and he magically came back to life.

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