The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending Sunday, November 15, 2015!

Ben Carson says that if he could go back in time, he would not abort baby Hitler. Instead, he would use the trip to fix all those holes in his autobiography.

Some customers are mad at Starbucks because the red holiday cups it started using in October have no Christmas symbols on them. Not because the cups don’t have Christmas symbols, but because Starbucks STARTED USING HOLIDAY CUPS IN OCTOBER!!!

During an interview on a radio show Wednesday, Donald Trump speculated that Hillary Clinton might be wearing a wig. The radio show then got a phone call for Trump from the kettle.

Sea World will replace its killer whale shows with an “orca experience” in “a more natural setting”. That “more natural setting”: a can of tuna.

Target is justifying opening on Thanksgiving night by saying that shopping on Thanksgiving is now a tradition. So is getting drunk and fighting with your parents no longer sacred?

Anheuser Busch has finalized a 105 billion dollar deal to take over its largest competitor, SABMiller. The combined company will include brands such as Budweiser, Corona, Grolsch and other beers you only drink when nothing else is available.

A man who lived in an apartment complex in Akron, Ohio that was struck by a plane on Monday says that his life was saved because he went out to buy Hot Pockets. Then he put his life in danger again by eating a Hot Pocket.

Two astronauts spent 8 hours working on plumbing repairs outside the International Space Station. The hardest part: figuring out how to make their spacesuits show their buttcracks.

Miley Cyrus licked a piano and then sold it for charity for $50,000. The money will help find a cure for whatever disease you catch from a piano licked by Miley Cyrus.

In a new promotional video for Nickelodeon’s “Kids’ Choice Awards”, host Blake Shelton gets slimed. So Blake ended up almost as slimy as he was when he hooked up with Gwen Stefani on “The Voice”.

Jennifer Lawrence says anti-gay marriage county clerk Kim Davis makes her embarrassed to be from Kentucky. Also embarrassing Jennifer Lawrence: everything else about Kentucky.

Justin Bieber will perform at this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The balloons are hoping he won’t steal all the air for his own head.

Vivica A. Fox implied on a talk show that her ex 50 Cent is gay. According to Vivica, guns aren’t the only things that shot at Fiddy’s body nine times in one day.

Shonda Rhimes says she still doesn’t know how “Grey’s Anatomy” will end. Because it never will.

Universal has removed the movie “Steve Jobs” from over 2,000 theaters due to poor box office results. Movie fans would have seen the “Steve Jobs” movie, but instead decided to wait six months for the faster, sleeker “Steve Jobs 2.0″.

An actor from “Game of Thrones”, Elie Haddad, accidentally posted a page from a future script on his Instagram account. As punishment, his entire family will be killed on his wedding day.

Last weekend a giant sinkhole swallowed over a dozen cars outside an IHOP in Meridian, Mississippi. The sinkhole normally wouldn’t have swallowed so many vehicles, but the cars were all-you-can-eat.

Tuesday marked the 46th anniversary of the premiere of “Sesame Street”. Or as the Count put it: “One, one season, ha ha ha! Two, two seasons, ha ha ha!…”

Researchers say that changes in a person’s sense of humor may be an early sign of dementia. Specifically, you might be losing your mind if you start laughing at Adam Sandler movies.

Police near San Francisco pulled over a Google self-driving car for going too slow. Meanwhile, AAA was called to jump-start the Bing car, but it still wouldn’t go anywhere.

KFC is starting home delivery services of its fried chicken. KFC figures people would prefer to die of food poisoning in their own beds.

Scientists have discovered a new STI that could affect hundreds of thousands of people. They’re calling it, “I Met Him On Tinder.”

And finally, Calista Flockhart turned 51 on Wednesday. She celebrated by blowing out all the candles on her birthday crumb.

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