The Top Story! Weekly Report for the Week Ending November 22, 2015!

Donald Trump says he’s lost 15 pounds while running for president. Which is easy to do when you only eat your words.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday that the city will welcome Syrian refugees. According to the mayor, New York City is happy to welcome Syrian refugees…as long as they can afford $3,000 a month for rent.

Alabama governor Robert Bentley has announced that his state will not accept any refugees from Syria. The governor explained that Alabama has already taken too many refugees from Florida.

Former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle was sentenced to 15 years in prison. This was after he was found guilty of the heinous crime of encouraging people to eat at Subway.

A Papa Roach concert in Paris was canceled after last week’s attack. Which means there’s finally some good news for Paris.

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal dropped out of the Republican race for President on Tuesday. Even though Jindal was forced to suspend his unpopular presidential campaign, he can still fall back on his already unpopular reign as governor.

David Beckham has been named “People” magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for 2015. Meanwhile, Ben Carson has been named “Sexiest Man Asleep.”

Mark Zuckerberg said that Facebook will be smarter than humans in 10 years. For starters, Facebook won’t have a Facebook account.

The new Adele album came out Friday. So if you caught your mom crying over the weekend, for the first time it wasn’t your fault.

The new Angelina Jolie-Brad Pitt movie “By the Sea” bombed at the box office after receiving horrible reviews. To cheer Angelina up, Brad gave her a bouquet…of children.

A YouTube video uploaded last week shows a man eating a sandwich stacked with 10 McRib patties. The name of the video is “Chris Christie eats brunch.”

A new restaurant named Estrella opened in Los Angeles inspired by Joni Mitchell. You can tell because Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young have all been inside it.

A remake is in the works of the 2000 film “Memento”. But only because the studio doesn’t remember making it the first time.

According to “TMZ”, doctors say that Lamar Odom is unable to recognize his family. “Congratulations!” said the rest of America.

A flight from Washington, D.C. to Boston was evacuated due to “suspicious activity” by two passengers. The passengers were suspicious because they were the only two people on the plane not completely miserable.

Astronomers say they’ve spotted the most distant object in the solar system. Unfortunately, it’s your dad.

On Tuesday Ireland held its first same-sex wedding. The couple celebrated on their wedding night by touching each other’s shillelaghs.

Thursday was “World Toilet Day”. Because Black Friday already took the day after Thanksgiving.

A new study of Tinder users has determined which names the opposite sex finds most attractive. Congratulations, Money Moneypants and BoobJob Jenny.

The annual “Ten Worst Toys” list was released Wednesday. So your Aunt Laura now has her Christmas shopping list.

According to a new study, regular coffee drinkers have a lower risk of dying early. However, before they have their morning coffee, it does increase their risk of murdering somebody.

A Jackson, Tennessee man was mauled to death by his newly-adopted Rottweiler. But, in the dog’s defense, it is tough to find out you were adopted.

And finally, Carly Rae Jepsen turned 30 Friday. If you still want to do something for her that’s guaranteed to make her happy, call her, definitely.

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