The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, December 13, 2015!

Donald Trump has scrapped a planned trip to Israel, saying he will instead go after he is elected president of the United States. In other words, Donald Trump is never going to Israel.

Politicians in California are withdrawing their support for the high-speed bullet train that will connect San Francisco to Los Angeles. So it turns out some politicians WILL take a stand against bullets.

80 students from Boston College contracted a norovirus after eating at Chipotle. As a result, Chipotle is changing the name of its burrito bowl to “toilet bowl.”

Russia is launching a 5-year plan to become the world’s biggest producer of organic foods. As part of the plan, Vladimir Putin will invade your local Whole Foods.

Republican Presidential candidate John Kasich said he would not want to be a Vice-Presidential candidate. Kasich explained that we wants something in common to talk about should he ever meet Joe Biden.

Michele Fiore, a Republican Assemblywoman from Nevada, posed for a Christmas card with her entire family armed with guns. Fiore explained that she wanted a photo of myself with her loved ones…and also her family.

The founder of Amazon, Jeff Bezos, has offered to send Donald Trump to space. After hearing this, space made a counteroffer to keep Trump on Earth.

The Center for Disease Control is warning about a superbug called ″Phantom Menace″. Despite all the buzz about the bug, everyone knows the Phantom Menace won’t live up to the hype.

The Thanksgiving pies that Khloe Kardashian posted on Instagram and claimed to have baked from scratch were actually from an expensive L.A. bakery. Fans were shocked that a Kardashian would ever fake something other than a marriage.

The new issue of “Paper” magazine features a rear nude photo of John Stamos. I can tell that it’s real because I feel a kimmy in my gibbler.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s New York store, Goop, was robbed of over $170,000 in merchandise. Police are on the lookout for the world’s most pretentious thief.

On Tuesday CBS aired the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Or, as it’s known to Leonardo DiCaprio — Tinder.

A new study reveals that the brains of popular people are different. The main difference being that they’re protected by a more beautiful head.

Wal-Mart has launched a system allowing customers to pay using a smartphone. No word yet on when they plan on phasing out the old system of customers paying with their souls.

Canadian college student Kai Xu was caught trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. He claimed to suffer from e-reptile dysfunction.

In Florida, a burglar hiding from police was eaten by an alligator. The incident happened because Florida.

In a new study, an Oxford University professor, Charles Spence, says that listening Bruce Springsteen while eating Indian food makes it taste better. Professor Spence presented the findings in his class, ‘High As Balls 101.’

Johns Hopkins University will perform America’s first penis transplants. Because you know what they say. “It’s not the size of the boat that counts. It’s the size of someone else’s boat where yours used to be that counts.”

A team of researchers has developed socks that use urine to create emergency electricity. Or at least, that’s what a teenage boy told his parents he was doing when they walked in on him.

Moscow is now offering free W-Fi at cemeteries. Visitors can get the password from the cemetery’s encrypt-keeper.

And finally, a new survey finds that one in five American children have unhealthy cholesterol levels. On the bright side, one in five American children definitely have a happy meal toy.

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