The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, January 3, 2016!

Bill Cosby was arraigned Wednesday on charges of sexual assault. He would have been arraigned sooner, but for some reason the judge in the case was unconscious.

On Thursday, Ben Carson’s campaign manager and two other top campaign workers all resigned. Even more shocking: up until Thursday Ben Carson actually had people working on his campaign.

Former “Glee” actor Mark Salling was arrested Tuesday on child pornography charges. In his defense, Salling pointed out that those weren’t actually kids in the videos, but actors in their twenties PLAYING kids.

In the midst of a terrible snowstorm in Iowa Monday, only one person showed up to a Martin O’Malley campaign event. That person? Martin O’Malley.

Saudi Arabia executed 157 people in 2015, the highest number in 20 years. So it’s changing its name to “Texas”.

California Governor Jerry Brown has pardoned Robert Downey Jr. of his drug charges from the 90’s. Governor Brown says that he’s know that Downey is a good person ever since their days back in the 80’s doing coke together.

A new law that went into effect on New Year’s Day has removed the word “alien” from California’s labor code when referring to immigrants. Instead they will be referred to as “Uber drivers”.

Quotes from Donald Trump will no longer be featured on bottle caps from tea makers Honest Tea. Instead, Trump quotes will be featured on their new brand, Dishonest Tea.

Richard Marx and Daisy Fuentes were married two days before Christmas. The couple will be honeymooning in 1993.

Guns ‘N Roses are reportedly reuniting and will headline the Coachella music festival in April. Which gives hipsters three months to decide if they like them sincerely or ironically.

Khloe Kardashian claims to have lost eleven pounds after eliminating dairy from her diet. Khloe says that she actually can get all of her daily nutrients by consuming the money of stupid people.

Today would have been the 124th birthday of “The Hobbit” author J.R.R. Tolkien. He celebrated in heaven with a brief birthday party, that was then turned into nine 3-hour parties.

During the final Mötley Crüe concert on New Year’s Eve, Tommy Lee was left hanging upside down above the audience when a custom roller coaster broke down. Tommy didn’t mind, however, since he’s used to being hung.

Wayne Rogers, who played Trapper John on the TV show “MASH”, died Thursday at age 82. Doctors say his death was painless, but not a suicide.

Twitter has unveiled a new policy that prohibits violent threats and abusive behavior by users. Which means Twitter’s user base will drop to two.

A man in San Diego fell 60 feet off a cliff to his death after being distracted by using his cell phone. Even more tragically, he landed screen side down.

Google is testing a new way to login to their services without a password. “Finally” said my grandmother who forgets her password even though her password is “password”.

Jay Bradford of Point Pleasant, New Jersey lost his wedding ring in the middle of the ocean only to have it recovered 6 days later. However, his wife Meagan thinks the story is a bit fishy.

A dog that went missing for 6 years was found and returned to his family just in time for Christmas. The dog was happy to return home until he realized that his parents turned his old dog house into a guest room.

A Catholic priest in the Philippines, Father Albert San Jose, has been suspended after riding a hoverboard during Christmas mass. Because the only guy in the whole Christian faith who’s allowed to hover is Jesus, over water.

According to the FAA, a few days before Christmas, two Southwest Airlines planes bumped wings at Burbank Airport. Not to be outdone, a plane from Malaysia Airlines chest bumped the ocean.

The world’s fattest man suffered a heart attack and died on Christmas Day. So that’s why you didn’t get any presents.

And finally, Natalie Cole died Thursday at age 65. Her eulogy will be mashed up with the eulogy from Nat King Cole’s funeral.

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