The Top Story! Weekly Report for Sunday, January 24, 2016!

Sarah Palin has blamed President Obama for her son Track’s domestic violence. She then went on to blame Joe Biden for Bristol’s pregnancy.

The Buffalo Bills have hired the NFL’s first female full-time assistant coach, Kathryn Smith. The Bills are proud to finally give women an equal opportunity to know what it’s like to never win a Super Bowl.

This past Wednesday New York City declared it was “David Bowie Day.” It was a nice sentiment until they declared Thursday “Pizza Rat Day.”

Scientists say that 2015 was the hottest year ever. In case you were wondering why scientists left you, 2014.

Pope Francis has changed Catholic rules and will now allow women to participate in the Easter week foot-washing ritual. So on behalf of women everywhere, um . . . thank you?

Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson thinks the state should no longer have holidays honoring Martin Luther King, Jr. and Confederate General Robert E. Lee on the same day. In other news, Arkansas has a holiday where they honor Robert E. Lee.

Mathematician Curtis Cooper at the University of Central Missouri has found the largest-known prime number, which is 22 million digits long. Now Cooper wants to find something even harder to discover: a date.

The release date for the next “Star Wars” movie has been pushed back seven months. Or as George R.R. Martin calls it, expedited shipping.

Elton John and Lady Gaga are collaborating on an album together. And that sound you just heard was West Hollywood exploding.

Adele will perform on the Grammy Awards on February 15th. She’ll be singing in order to comfort all the women who got dumped on February 14th.

Fox reportedly tried to pay Gillian Anderson half as much as David Duchovny for the reboot of ″The X-Files″. Fox didn’t want anyone to find out, but the truth is out there.

A woman was shot in a movie theatre on Thursday while watching Michael Bay’s movie about Benghazi. Viewers who stayed until the end of the movie weren’t so lucky.

After breaking up two years ago, Miley Cyrus and former fiance Liam Hemsworth are engaged again. Here’s hoping this time those two can make it twerk.

Starbucks is now allowing customers to save the songs you hear in their stores on Spotify. “Yessss” commented that white guy with a pony tail and a Prius.

An Italian woman lost the key to her chastity belt and went to a fire station to remove it. The firemen think that it was a fun job, but that they probably should have told her they’re next door to a locksmith.

The Mexican peso has fallen to an all-time low against the U.S. dollar. So Donald Trump is now promising to build a wall around currency exchange places.

According to a new study, estrogen helps protect women against the flu. So for the first time ever, thanks, estrogen!

Apple is being accused of using cobalt mined by children in their iPhones. But Apple only uses the sleekest, most intuitive children on the market.

“Hustler” owner Larry Flynt has made an offer to buy the Playboy Mansion. Flynt looks forward to cheapening the place up.

McDonald’s in Japan is introducing the “McChoco Potato”, French fries drizzled with chocolate sauce. Once again, Japan beats America at its own game.

Florida’s annual hunt for pythons in the Everglades has begun. It coincides with Florida’s annual “I Got Your Python Right Here” Festival.

And finally, Paula Deen turned 69 on Tuesday. We don’t know what kind of birthday cake she had, but we’re 100% sure it wasn’t chocolate.

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